Welcome to Milton Honors!, by Ryan R. Jordan

Dear Sir or Madam:

Welcome to Milton Honors! You are now a member of one of the hospitality industry’s ranked rewards programs!

As a Milton Honors member, you are entitled to several perks at our over-three Milton Hotels locations nationwide! Skip the lines, and enjoy express check-in at most of our Milton Hotels, with our flagship Phoenix location being the one exception, as we have only one person, Henry, who is trained to work the Milton Honors system, and he is often on break.

Late checkout is also available to Milton Honors members, though not exclusively, since any Milton Hotels guest may request late checkout, contingent on proper advance notification of housekeeping staff (though, as many of the housekeepers do not speak English, this can be an awkward process, and is thus offered at the discretion of Milton front-desk personnel). Still, if Henry’s working, you’ve got a shot.

Milton Honors members also receive discounted WiFi at all two (and counting!) Milton Hotels locations where this service is available. Get blazing-fast download speeds,* a free search bar, and your homepage permanently set to MiltonHotels.com, all for $34.95/day—less than half the normal rate!

*Please note that download speeds are subject to random variation depending on whether or not Henry is downloading torrents.

Milton Hotels are proud to offer continental breakfast service at all of our locations from 5AM-8:15AM. As our continental breakfast runs on a strict “First come, first serve yourself” (or, as Henry calls it, “When it’s gone, it’s gone!”) system, Milton Honors members are entitled to a special early-bird pre-breakfast from 4:45AM-5AM. Come enjoy some of the industry’s most frequently toasted pastries and sliced oranges!*

*Please note that orange-slicing is subject to availability, as Henry sometimes gets paper cuts and can’t slice the oranges due to the possibility of citrus-sting.

Finally, Milton Honors members frequently ask, “Hey, are those fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies on the front desk for me?” The answer is no; Henry’s mom made those, and he puts them there to keep an eye on them. Guests who further inquire about these cookies may find themselves on the butt end of one of Henry’s famous eye rolls. Don’t say we didn’t warn you!

Milton Honors is an exciting program with many perks sure to entice you into coming back again and again. And yes, your credit card statement was telling the truth: it’s only $495.95/year.

Welcome; we’re glad to have you.

Milton H. James

President, CEO, Hospitality Director, & Theologian-in-Residence

Milton Hotels

*You are receiving this email because you recently stayed at a Milton Hotel and used your credit card. If you find this information to be in error and wish to cancel your Milton Honors membership, simply submit in writing your intentions to do so on notarized Milton Hotels letterhead at least two years prior to your next annual renewal date to:

Milton Hotels

3676 Center Street Suite 1603

Phoenix, AZ 85004

Attn: Henry

Please note that Milton Honors membership cancellations are subject to a one-time $149.95 restocking fee, as it takes Henry several minutes to reenter your six-digit Milton Honors membership number back into our Excel spreadsheet of available Milton Honors membership numbers for future guests. Though we’ll be sad to see you go, please know that you’re always a welcome guest at Milton Hotels, and we look forward to seeing you on your next stay, subject to an $84.95/day non-Milton-Honors-member surcharge.

Ryan Jordan is a writer/producer in New York. You can follow him on Twitter or explore his work on his website.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O’Neal.

Welcome to Milton Honors!, by Ryan R. Jordan