American Horror Story
Well, I guess it can’t be rainbows and colostrum every week. This episode skipped a lot of the usual camp fun in favor of some goth shenanigans and serious carnage. Things got off to a gory start with poor Grace, who is having a seriously heavy flow day in the infirmary. The nuns start CPR, and the actual angel of death appears, which is pretty sweet because HOORAY! It’s Frances Conroy. Oh, how I missed her dulcet, milky eyes.
Of course, Ryan Murphy’s harbinger of doom would have perfect cat-eye liner and a sassy pillbox hat and kiss you on the mouth. I think all of us agree that if menopausal women start doing the steampunk thing, we’ll wish for death as well. But Grace isn’t quite ready to die yet, so Death flies off to do other stuff.
Up in Dr. Arden’s lab, Sister Mary Eunice accuses him of scooping out all of Grace’s girl parts. He denies trying to sterilize anybody and he slaps her, like you do when you’re annoyed. But he’s messed with the wrong possessed nun, because she telekinetically sends him flying across the room. Proportionate responses, from everybody.
Down in the kitchen, a schizophrenic named Miles is hanging out with a nun using a meat slicer. Well, this’ll go well. Hope everybody is enjoying some salsa or a nice bolognese. Miles chip-chops his wrists and writes a name in ancient Aramaic in his blood. Just a typical day at Quizno’s.
Whatever he writes on the wall upsets Sister Mary Eunice, who I guess can sing cabaret-style torch songs, injure people with her mind, AND read ancient languages. Triple threat. Frances Conroy comes to take Miles, and she and Sister Mary have a tête-à-tête in the basement. Apparently whatever is inhabiting her is a dark angel of some sort, and the real Sister Mary begs Frances Conroy to kill her.
And now we all second the sentiment, because we’re back to the world’s most uncomfortable basement, where Dr. Thredson is pumping away atop poor Lana. Okay, maybe he’s confused about what moms and sons do.
Kit, meanwhile, is trying to recant his confession, but when his public defender is like, “I don’t think a jury will buy this, and let’s talk about your accent, maybe,” he brains him with a paper-slicer and escapes. I went to a Ziggy Marley concert in high school once and the security guards took a pair of nail clippers I had in my purse, but by all means, let’s keep leaving huge blades around violent mental patients.
The “don’t leave stuff where people can hit you with it” party continues at Thredson’s. He asks Lana whether she wants to be strangled or have her throat cut because he “doesn’t believe in guns.” Typical liberal.
He’s just about to inject her with a sedative when she smacks him with a photo of Wendy he’s left on her bedside table, gets the jump on him, and stabs him with the syringe. Yay! Finally something good for poor Lana. She flees his house and leaps into a passing car. But OH NO! It’s driven by William Mapother! He ALWAYS plays a villain! I know because I read an article about it once.
And yes, he’s a wingnut whose wife has just left him. Frances Conroy appears in the backseat, much to Lana’s dismay. The car crashes and when she wakes up, she’s back in Briarcliff. Aw, man. She tells Sister Mary that Kit is innocent, and that Thredson is the real killer.
Next up, Death comes for the Nazi hunter, who’s been dying since last episode. Sister Jude tries to call for help, but somebody has taped a clipping about the girl she murdered to the TV, so she has a flashback instead.
In 1949, she’s fired from her nightclub singing gig for drankin’ shortly after her hit and run. She gets in a car and into a great fifties melodrama-style crash that leads her smack into a nunnery.
Back in 1964, she gets a crank call from Sister Mary, who informs her that she’s been framed for Goodman’s murder and has thoughtfully left her some bourbon and a razor blade. Yeesh. She and Death have a very Seventh Seal meeting in a diner. Jude tells Death she’s ready for peace, but she has to do one thing first.
She visits the family of the little girl she killed, only to find out she’s not really dead. Huh? What? I was sure some of those headlines said she was dead, but maybe not.
Kit returns to Briarcliff for Grace, who has recovered miraculously. Unfortunately, he’s also a fugitive and there are orders to shoot him on sight. What happens next happens very quickly. Stay with me:
- a nun finds them out and yells for help
- a mutant attacks the nun
- Kit eviscerates the mutant with a meat slicer
- Frank comes in to shoot Kit
- Grace takes the bullet
- Frances Conroy kisses her and she dies in a pile of mutant guts
I don’t know either! I thought this was a weird one, which is saying a lot, considering. See you next week, my little angels of death.