Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Berries Double-Dipped in Chocolate and High School Memories

This week in the lives of our ever-so-privileged Upper East Siders, we found that history has a way of repeating itself. As we learned from Serena, when one experiences the blow of being part of a sex tape seen ‘round the world and getting dumped by a man who was seconds away from presenting you with your first diamond, the “recovery” process takes the form of a mini time warp back to high school. We watched S fall right back into the pompous arms of her ex-stepsibling/ex-life raft, DHumps, and get a little too overeager about devouring his choco-covered berries and riding his wheelie-popping Vespa. The Upper East Side continued to pulsate with unsolved drama: Queen Eleanor returned to salvage her empire and proceeded to hack off her “bad” daughter from the brand (only to hire her back later); Blair spoke nonstop about her two inner Graces; Ivy and Rufus made eyes and ears bleed; Chuck actually used his legs to run; Blair, in a rage, brilliantly coined the word “Humpfreak”; and Lily accidentally sold Bart’s “hidden” oil records to her number one enemy.

Commenters were overwhelmingly unimpressed with the writers’ decision to regurgitate and taint season one’s best Derena material and were even more repulsed with the UES’ latest hair victim, Ivy, who appeared to be wearing a tarantula poodle on her head. While the ever-endearing Chate duo managed to draw out a few laughs from viewers, the unanimous demand for the remaining four episodes is Chair and only Chair. Until next week, here’s the recap of the recap.

REALER THAN SERENA ON THE REBOUND WITH HUMPS

• Then why are you still sitting below me on the steps? +10 —CATCHMESOMEBASS

• Nate can’t name the painting but he tells Chuck, “The rainbow woman is gone!” Nate, you’re so cute. +3 —GUMDROPCOOKIES

• A burn for a burn…watching Ivy and Lily toss that venom back and forth (despite Ivy’s vomit inducing outfit and hair)..was +1000 in my book.  —BOWTIESANDHEADBANDS

• Chuck wears not only a full suit but a boutonniere to hang out on the couch with Nate and Monkey and watch security footage, like any day. Plus 3. —PURPLEANDGREEN

• Blair realized her target market will always be high school girls. +10 —MIMI52000

• Humfreak!!! + 10 for Blair. We can always use more terms to signify how horrible Dan is. —JJOVANA3

• Ahhhh, Eleanor doesn’t know how old her daughter is either! +10 —SHEBANGS

• Serena speaks pure truth about Dan, and he gets upset when he overhears. Real. Plus 5. He would. Especially because he explicitly said that he wouldn’t. —CHUCKISMYPUPPY

• “You and your split personality”, Eleanor says to Blair with disdain. Preach it, Miss Waldorf. You are on fire. We’ve been saying it for months… Plus 50 because a girl needs to hear it from her mother. —STILETTO33

• Plus 100 for the look of shock on Nate’s face when he saw the cell phone was password protected. No one uses passwords on the Upper East Side! This must be a mistake! —FEED_THE_DUCKS

• Her dark side? Is Blair part vampire now? +2 if that happens because it could make the show much more interesting. Chuck has been looking quite vampire like for years … —MACARONSANDSCOTCH

• +20 to Blair pointing out that Nelly Yuki still sits on the steps below her. Zing. —NIKOLE0602

• Dan pops a wheelie while he and Serena sprint off his Vespa, thereby letting the paparazzi know that he can still get it up for a second or two. Plus 5. —ISLANDIA

• No character EVER branches out to new friends, even though they constantly declare one another the worst humans alive. Plus 500 because literally no one else will have them. —KELLYELIZABETH

• “What is this, Downton Abbey?” Eleanor says when she walks in and sees the way Blair has lined up the atelier staff. Plus 150 for her Ladyship Eleanor slapping her coat and bag into her servant Dorota’s face on the next scene, reminding us that this IS a class system and, therefore, the Waldorfs penthouse IS pretty much like Downton Abbey. —HOROZORO

• Dan reminds me of every guy in every bar ever who wants one girl all night and does his best to seduce her, but can’t get her, so leaves with the girl he CAN get, and says something asinine to save face like, “Yeah, girl, it was always YOU, I wanted. Forget everything else you saw me do tonight.” Plus 10 for realness. —ABBY_E

• +10 for Dan crashing at the van der Woodsen’s place and not defending Rufus when Lily insulted him. We all know the kids stay with the rich parent after the divorce. —DIAMONDTIARA14

• Hmmm, vespas, pool and being stuck in an elevator all in the same day? I’m surprised they didn’t make it snow for the Derena sex scene. Minus or plus 5, depending on your level of nostalgia for happier days. –NINOTSHKA

• They might call it “scheming,” but every word Chuck and Nate exchanged was pretty much foreplay. Plus 15. Plus 10 for Rufus and Lily’s face off. The kind where neither moved. —BROOKLYN_FOR_LIFE

• Dan says “are you sure” to Serena copying from the Chuck Bass Book of Seduction. Real. Plus 10 for character consistency because we know Dan really wants to be Chuck. And it’s confirmed, lovelies, if there’s anyone more obsessed with Chuck Bass than us it’s Dan Humphrey. He really wants to tap that a$$. Plus another 10 for Dan’s Chuck obsession because we understand.—KANGAROOTATTOO

• Blair calls Dan “Humpfreak”. Plus 3. Blair threatens Dan with The Return of Vanessa. That weave was horrific. Plus 2. Serena hops into bed with one man only one week after almost getting engaged to another. Plus 6. Classic Serena.—BRANDIE_LARUE 

FAKER THAN CHAIR HAVING ZERO SCREEN TIME TOGETHER

• Blair must be taking eye makeup cues from Bella Swan now –that mountain of purple eye shadow was doing all the heavy lifting acting for her. -5 —PIECEOFBASS

• Apparently, 12-25 is an age range? I. Am. Losing. My. Patience. With. This. Show. But I’ll keep watching anyway. -100 for me. —SHEBANGS

• I’m sorry to be the one to say it, but if Bart Bass just came back from the dead to get involved in all this stupidity, then he was probably better off staying dead. He has a private eye to follow absolutely everyone, but isn’t smart enough to destroy the evidence of his crimes? No. This shouldn’t happen in Gossip Girl. Fashion and Necromancy just don’t mix. Minus -206, for every resurrected bone in his body. —SCHEMINGWITHSCONES

• If Dan and Serena are endgame, they went from adorable couple and first reason why I started watching this show, to the most despicable characters on the show. -6 seasons of awful character development. —GUMDROPCOOKIES

• Wait, if Dan and Serena is the biggest love story of this show, then Blair was just a road stop, not a destination! And we all know that Blair Waldorf is not a stop along the way; she is a destination. —TIMEIA
• Chuck Bass DOES NOT RUN! He stalks, saunters, sashays even, possibly stagger or stumble when he’s had a few, but Chuck does not run. -25 —GOSSIPMOM

• -10 for Ivy’s ridiculous hair throughout. She did look like gypsy trash. —MARLASINGER

• A good Park Avenue Princess knows the 3 Bs are Barney’s, Bergdorf’s and Bendels. Minus 3. —GIPSYQUEEN

• At least Nate learned something from banging that teenager? I saw the phone snatch coming from a mile away. -3 because manbangs do not learn things. —JJOVANA3

• Blair is growing up and maturing by…pandering to teenagers? No. Although thus far Blair is fitting the profile of someone who peaked in high school, just like this show. Minus 50 —FEED_THE_DUCKS

• Chuck running: Minus 10. Having it make him talk in his real voice: Plus 30. Why was Chuck trying to buy the painting? Why didn’t he just sneak up behind it during the auction commotion and slash it open to get the envelope? Minus 10. And why didn’t he check the back before he bought it from Ivy!?!? UGH THIS BOY! Minus 10000! —CHUCKISMYPUPPY

• -50 for each character regressing back to their 16 year old selves. It looks like next week even Chuck and Blair will be re-enacting their bar scene from 1x13 after Dan and Serena re-enacted their season 2 elevator moment and first date this week. Someone needs to remind the authors this is gossip girl, not Benjamin Button. An extra -50 for not only recycling lines, but recycling Chair lines. Stop trying to make incest happen writers. —MACARONSANDSCOTCH

• Nice black tape, Bart. He should have used two more pieces and made it into the shape of an arrow pointing to the envelope -15 —NIKOLE0602

• Did Ivy get an effing perm??? Minus 100 - even she should know better. —PURPLEANDGREEN

• Now Rufus drinks scotch too. Do all Humphrey’s want to be dapper Bass men??? NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. Minus 20 each for even trying. —STILETTO33

• -20 for Dan standing precariously in front of the crosswalk, watching the light flash to “Don’t Walk Hand” then… no bus hit him. Lame —HATINONTHECLUB

• Bart’s big secret is finally out. He’s a moron who not only holds on to damning evidence, but tapes it to the back of a painting in his home. Minus 10 —VINCE1178

• Dan’s chest hair should get its own character billing. Out of control in that v-neck. No points, just saying —FAKENAMEISGOODENOUGHFORME

• Why did Chuck have to buy the painting to get the documents? Couldn’t he just, I don’t know, steal the envelope from the back (like Chivy eventually did) while the painting was just sitting around the gallery? Chuck Bass is better than this! Minus 500. Plus 10, however, for Bart Bass taking pointers on document hiding from the Graysons, and plus another one million if Victoria Grayson ends up being Chuck’s mother.—ANDREAZUCKERMANVASQUEZ

• Thank you Nate for saying ‘the back of artwork is boring’. Since I laughed once I can pretend I didn’t waste 40 minutes of my life on this show. No points. —BANGA

• I’m sure y’all noticed the camera cut away when Ivy kissed Rufus in front of Lilly. Even the camera man doesn’t want to see that. Gross, sick, make it stop! -50 for each eye. —LSUSARAH

• How did Nate know that banker’s birthday anyway? -10. And why did Nate set up the meeting to be in Chuck’s apartment? Wouldn’t it have been more believable and less suspicious if he had had the meeting in, say, his office at the Spectator? +5 because I guess that’s the only place Chuck could eavesdrop. —APRILLUDGATE

• If Eleanor really had a problem with Blair’s sexual inappropriateness, she never would have tried to get Blair and Chuck back together last season. -5 —ANUNKINDRAVENBASS

• Honestly, this show has gotten so horrible I can’t think of a thing to say other than really writers? This is the best you can give us for one of the final episodes? REALLY? Minus The Cost Of The Bottle of Wine I Had To Drink To Make It Through This Episode—XRAYCHICKEN

• Writers, is the Rufus-Ivy pairing an attempt to punish us for hating Dair? Isn’t that dead animal on Dan’s head punishment enough? -50 for the ongoing torture (both R&I pairing & Dan’s hair). —GINSOAKEDCECE 

• Since Dan’s hair could substitute for a life raft, he and Serena really are perfect for each other. Plus 5. But really, Minus 50 because nothing about their reconciliation makes a lick of sense. —BROOKLYN_FOR_LIFE

• Nate is criticizing passwords? Oh Lordy. What’s next? Dan becoming the leading expert on hair products? NO. -1. Where else would Blair go to make herself feel better? Chuck’s bed!! COME ON WRITERS. -10. LipWatch 2012 - developing a globular shape when shot from a low angle. No points, just continuing to track its progress. —BETCHPLZ

• -1000 for GG refusing to address the obvious fact that Chuck is using his FATHERS UNLIMITED MONEY to ‘destroy’ said father for some ambiguous reason that no one can remember anyway but it means he can’t be with Blair until he has bankrupted him and thus himself? -100000 for the SLOW PAINFUL DEATH OF MY FAVOURITE SHOW —GGX0X0 

• Oh Nate, it’s not “some twisted turn of events” that made Serena go running back to Dan. It’s the high pitched whining he emits, it calls to her. She tilts her head and lopes over for head scratches. -10. Does no one service the elevator in the Van Der Woodson building? It breaks down more than the plot on this show. Serena clearly does lots of servicing in the elevator, though. -50 —MOCKINGBIRD

• Ivy in flannel and thigh highs. Gag me. Minus 3. Did Dan pop a wheelie? On a vespa??! Minus 15. Chuck willingly gets out of a limo and walks/runs somewhere??! Voluntarily?! Minus 50. —LIMOSANDSCHEMES

• Why can’t Lily/Chuck bribe an auction staff for a detour or sabotage the transport of the painting en route? minus 1 —MACBETHONHERKITE

• Why is Blair STILL using Grace Kelly as her go-to role model? Go back to Audrey! She’s flawless, and her descendants didn’t recently try to bankrupt your family. Minus 25. —KAT09