Hi, guys! It’s been a while. How was your Thanksgiving? Good? Any bugs crawl up your “nani” and lay eggs in there? No? Phew!
Well, this was actually a pretty eventful-ish week for the guidos and -ettes, which is good, because we’re in what I believe is called “the home stretch.” Seriously, can you believe that we only have three episodes left of this? And the inevitable spinoffs, specials, repeats, marathons, and reunion shows? I sure as hell can’t!
This week, the house threw Snooki a “shore shower.” I know what you’re thinking, but there was actually no powder thrown on anybody and no invasive cavity search. That is for prison. This was of the baby variety. Of course, this provided ample opportunity to bring back last season’s most irritating plot (hahaha) point, the “tension” between Mike and Jionni. Seriously? This again? Lord, have mercy on us all.
What else, what else? Uh, Jenni ripped her pants. Deena wondered what would happen if a spider impregnated you. Vinny almost had a threesome. OH, and Angelina showed up! Good to see you again, ol’ trash bags.
Most Doofy: Jionni
Nicole wants to shop and be coddled, and the girls want him to distract her from the baby shower. Jionni just wants to hit things with a stick. Maybe he’s not doing the greatest job being present during Snooki’s pregnancy, but I continue to admire his ability to maintain that unchanging NyQuil Jake Gyllenhaal expression at all times.
Most Pure: Vinny
Earlier in the summer, Vin decided to be celibate, because of reasons. I don’t know. I wasn’t entirely clear on that whole thing. Anyhow, he’s been almost sleeping with women ever since, and this week he NEARLY got to have a threesome before one of the women decided to leave. This definitely had nothing to do with the fact that Mike was also in the room. Nobody said living a spiritual life was easy.
Most Exciting Newcomer: Merge
The gang got to try a new club this week, which is … Well, it’s another club on the Jersey Shore. It’s cool that these guys and their camera crew are allowed in anywhere after all their years of brawling and vagina flashing.
PETA’s Sexiest Vegetarian: Nicole
Nicole doesn’t want a bite of Jionni’s veal, because it’s a baby cow and she is full of pregnancy-induced empathy juice. Jionni points out that she had a hamburger that day, and she says it was an “old cow.”
Best Human Metaphor: Angelina
Just when you think she’s gone, she pops up again. Especially when you’re on vacation, or trying to have sex with someone, or you’re stressed out. Like … I don’t know … Something! Something! Maybe she’s just an ingrown hair? See your doctor.
Best Parental Advice: Deena
“You’re pregnant, this is his hobby now.” Ah, yes. Children. The squash fad of the aughts.
Poet Laureate: Situation
“I’m looking FTD looking for girls who are DTF. I think I made that rhyme!” Oh, Mike. Nobody, not even the rain, has such small self-awareness.
Survivor Award: Paula
Still hanging around, still hanging on. Sure, she and Mike were only together for like, 24 hours. But it’s Mike! She probably has enough material to write depressing romans à clef for the rest of her life, like Tom Robbins did with Vietnam.
Career Counselor of the Year: Jenni
Demure angel Jennifer took to the stage and showed up a gogo dancer at Karma. (1) Balachine calling! (2) I really hope you made this girl reconsider whether she was fully committed to a career in Jersey Shore club gogo dancery. It’s not for the weak-willed.
Most Likely to Keep the Magic Alive: Sammi
Sammi had been so barely present for the past season or two that you wouldn’t really think she’d make the most engaged sex partner. But then, she happily retired a little early with Ron for a little couple “hit it” time. In a room? Alone? Without another grown person in a bed, snoring and/or listening? Color me impressed!
Surgeon General: Ron
Everybody got a taste of Prankmaster Ron’s gorilla suit high jinks this week, except for Snooki, because, like, she’s pregnant and it’s probably best not to frighten and throw your massive basted bulk on her.
Best Pronunciation of Softball: Everyone!
Say it with me. Sawwwwwwftbawwwwwwwl.
Okay, guys! That’s it for this episode. I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to miss these — hahaha, kidding. Our long national nightmare is almost over! See you next week, when all of the things that started to happen this week will maybe happen. Or not!