Well, this week picked up a little bit, no? SOME things happened. Deena’s mom and her exquisite bangs visited. Snooki shoplifted. Pauly made a funny joke about being married to a hot dog. The girls thought they killed an old lady until she started B-boying like Gucci Crew II. All in all, an eventful week.
Maybe the biggest news is that Mike is already looking to ditch Paula, even though Jenni swears she almost heard him drop the L-bomb. (Although, it’s the shore house, where “the L-bomb” is more likely to be a brand of a fumigant that kills pubic lice.) So does he love her, or is he a weird stunted lunkhead with terribly antiquated views about acceptable female behavior? I don’t know — ask him about it when you call to donate to the Restore the Shore telethon. I think if you give enough money you can really get some things off your chest.
Okay! Let’s do this.
Most Virtuous: Vinny
Poor Vin tried to break his vow of summer celibacy and invited a nice young Spanish lady back to the house to divest him of his “golden ticket.” (Settle down, Vin, virginities don’t grow back. I’ve asked.) Sadly, once they were in bed, she was no longer hungry for a Wonka Bar. Pretty sure this is a Buddhist parable he can learn a lot from.
Most Invested in Catch Phrase Creation: Ronnie
Despite being freshly T-shirt official, Mike was still grinding and pawing at ladies at Karma. Ronnie was really working hard to brand this behavior as “Sneaky Dickens.” Would “Sneaky Dickens” be the shot glass that gets Danny’s kids through college? I don’t know. But if you were trying to get a recording of Ronnie ever saying the word “Dickens” for some kind of voice-verified security system, congratulations, I never thought this day would come either.
Special Achievements in Being a Downer: Sammi
Sammi must have finally realized what a non-presence she’s become on the show and decided to bust poor Dee’s meatballs. She’s sick of having to help her when she’s drunk, but it should be noted that Sammi’s version of helping is “being totally seated with a pained look on her face.” I’ve seen hoagies that are more “helpful” to people in that state. Save it for the reality TV Oscars.
The Candy Finnigan Award: Pauly
Vinny thinks that Deena day drinks to alleviate the free floating psychic pain of being alive. Pauly just thinks she needs to carb-load a little more. “Pace yourself like a normal person does,” he says, before quickly clarifying, “in Jersey.”
Stickiest Fingers: Snooki
Stealing oversized plush toys from video arcades? Nicole. You’re a published author. This is no way to get the respect of the international fiction community.
Best Justification of Casual Alcoholism: Deena
Sure, sometimes she’s a maudlin, fall-down sauce clown who should seriously rethink her commitment to white shorts. But Dee made her melting-cassette-tape drunken breakdowns seem less like recurring embarrassments and more like a lifestyle choice, explaining patiently through proud mouthfuls of chicken caesar wrap, “This is me, world.” You know, like when William S. Burroughs moved to Tangier because he’d resigned himself to a life of morphine addiction.
Most Changed: Paula
My goodness. Did they switch Paulas on us? I feel like she was just this vaguely remembered tanning salon bunny and now she’s turned into this ass-pad wearing, raunch-spewing little Italian Pokemon. Sure, Mike was a dick to her this week but I haven’t seen any girl work that hard to be “one of the guys” since Amanda Bynes’s radical work in athletic gender parity.
Lifetime Achievement in Being the Worst: Sitch
Mike doesn’t think women should talk like men and tells Paula he likes it better when she smiles silently like the cartoon geisha on a can of water chestnuts. I think it’s all an excuse to be with the real love of his life, The Way He Thinks He Looks Kicking That Tackle Dummy.
Person Who Should Never Do That With His Tongue: Pauly
DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT? God. Good to know he kisses like a monitor lizard checking the temperature of some cocoa.
All right! See you guys round like a tortellini. And don’t forget to donate generously to the citizens of Seaside who were affected by the storm. They’ve already been through enough.