We’re down to the Final Fabulous Four on RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars — can you handle it? As the four remaining queens, Chad Michaels, Shannel, Jujubee, and Raven enter the studio, they discuss the recent elimination of Team Yarlexis. Explains Chad Michaels, “Another day, and two less queens,” which is what I say during my morning meditation and cocktail hour.
The group discusses the overall not-cute stress they’re feeling. Despite the fact that they’re down to four, nobody’s breaking out the extra tuck tape just yet.
This week’s mini-challenge is inexplicably basketball-oriented. The Ru-testants have to simulate that cute little 1993 Easy Spirit “ladies playing basketball in heels” commercial. The teams play FISH, which is like HORSE but with ladyparts. Raven shows up to the game wearing, like, zero clothes and has abs you could eat off. She offers “Karima Abdullah Jabarrah Realness” and suddenly we realize this challenge is all about an excuse to use the phrase “nice rimshot.” Team Rujubee and their abs pull out the win, upsetting Team Shad, who, let it be said, have superior wigs. Team Rujubee win the chance to call home, which, aw.
Then it’s time for the main challenge: Each team must create a dynamic duo of superhero and villain, with special drag superpowers. First team Shad, which has a half-cocked plan to play special vaginal heroes and villains. Over on Team Rujubee, well, it’s sort of convoluted and confusing, but it involves someplace called a pale villain and a tanning gun, whatever that is. Ru tells them they better get their stories straight, because the narrative is basically what they’re being judged on. Just like grad school.
But no Final Four show would be complete without a twist (TWIST!) or two: The losing team is going to have to lip-synch for their lives — against each other! Drag teams torn asunder! And also Ru throws an extra little dog treat in and tells the dragtestants that they’ve got to choreograph a dance number together. Challenges inside of challenges on top of a weave.
As usual, the utterly not graceful Shannel is trying to Bob Fosse all the choreography in the joint number. Everybody is just like, “bitch is crazy” and throwing shade Shannel’s way. But seriously, Shannel’s wearing an Ed Hardy hat. Her opinion should be automatically vetoed and thrown in the dumpster where she got that hat.
Commercial break, and we’re back. Team Rujubee take a moment out to call their loved ones. Raven calls his mom who looks exactly like if Reba McEntire and Julie Klausner had a middle-aged ginger baby. They have a sweet phone call, while Jujubee calls his boyfriend and demands sex on the car ride home.
Ru opens the main stage show serving Catwoman Realness and then we’ve got a superhero contest on, but first! The four queens take the form of Sheroe magic for an all-team lip-synch to “Good Vs. Evil.” It’s just whatever. Moving right along, Team Shad are up first, and offer their version of villain and hero. Chad Michaels is darling Chadissa Michaels, playing Firecrotch, a superhero devoted to vaginal rejuvenation. “My mission is keeping the sugarwalls of the world tight and right.” Thank God someone’s on that. Shannel plays the yin to her yang — the evil Lactasia, who possesses both supersonic speed and breasty death rays.
Then Team Rujubee’s turn, and they’re offering comic book realness. They have a pseudo-health advisory theme, involving Jujubee as the superhero Melanina, armed with a magical tanning gun. “My mission is to bring scarlet glow to everyone,” she voiceovers. Raven is a plastic-faced Sofia Fierce, whose master plan is to dominate the world by throwing shade from the cuffs on her wrists. I want those cuffs.
But what does the judging panel say? Joining regular judges Santino Rice and Michelle Visage are guest judges Bridesmaids and Reno 911 star Wendy McClendon-Covey and Elvira, who’s got to be about a zillion years old but is still werking it. Michelle finds the Team Shad story confusing, while Elvira says it was pleasant as a trip to the gynecologist. I guess it made sense at the time. Santino, who is typically the shadiest shade thrower, actually loves Team Shad’s look, and Michelle is really feeling Team Rujubee’s get up. But Wendy McClendon Covey reads Jujubee for not showing any skin.
There is a straight up battle on the judging panel. Elvira really loves Shad, but Michelle is pushing for Rujubee. Team Shad doesn’t really have a good narrative going on, because they probably James Franco-ed their way through English 101, but the judging panels thinks their costumes were way better. It’s a toss up, but somebody’s got to lip-sync for their life. Always.
After the commercial break, Ru announces the winner: Team Shad ekes out a win over Team Rujubee. Which means that Raven and Jujubee must lip-synch against each other. And it’s tears all around. As Jujubee and Raven lip-synch, the two both start crying, and then the whole judging panel is crying and Jujubee has a full-on panic attack. It’s pretty twisted making the teams compete against each other, but we all knew this day was coming.
And then — happiness! — Ru throws out the rules and tells both ladies that they can stay. Next week, it’s every woman for herself and Beth Ditto judges the mess.