Greetings all stars, we’re back with three teams – Yarlexis, Shad, and Rujubee – and a buttload of glitter and hair extensions.
This week is all about girl groups, but first we have to get through the mini-challenge. The mini-challenge requires the teams to read each other in cheer form, and there’s nary a Kirsten Dunst among them. Team Yarlexis calls Chad Michaels old, but the team’s best insult is: “Knock, knock, who’s there?” “Shannel.” “Shannel who?” “Exactly.” Yarlexis cheers what we’re all thinking, and manages to pull out the win.
Then it’s time for the main event – each team is supposed to form a girl group and perform to a Ru song, with the help of a special guest. Oh yes, “special” guest. There’s Kelly Osbourne (the progeny of Ozzy and inexplicable panel member on Fashion Police) the heretofore unheard of Jillian Hervey (daughter of Victoria Williams) and the equally mysterious Kady Z (daughter of Pia Zadora).
The teams are paired with the girls based on their Ru song of choice. Yarlexis is paired with Kelly and the song “Covergirl.” Rujubee gets Kady and “Jealous of My Boogie,” and Shad gets Jillian and “Glamazon.”
Right away Shannel tries to take charge, trying to prove that she’s a vital member of Team Shad (she’s kind of not). Chad Michaels is not thrilled, because nobody likes being bossed at by a sack of glitter potatoes? When Ru asks Team Shad how it’s going, Chad calls Shannel “assertive,” which is code word for “this bitch is out of her mind.”
Back at the glitter ranch, Kelly is getting her body dysmorphia on by complaining about her non-existent upper arm fat. Ru asks her how she feels about performing with Team Yarlexis and she says it’s a dream come true. “I get to be a real drag queen,” says Kelly, who is clearly not self aware at all. Kidding! Love you Kels!
Over on Team Rujubee, the problem comes down to choreography. And Kady’s assumed muteness, since she hasn’t said a word this entire episode. The team bemoans their collective lack of dancing skills. “This is All Stars, and you know a little itty bitty decibel could mess you up,” says Ru, who does not suffer non-dancing fools.
Then the extra special guest judges are announced. There are so many extra special guests on this show – they have outsourced half this show already. The guest judges are Rosie “Not Marissa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny” Perez and “Miss Supreme” Mary Wilson. So that means Crazy Accent Realness and Girl Group Fierceness will be judged, right?
Team Yarlexis is lousy with scarves, but hasn’t quite figured out their choreography. The team attempts to incorporate a lift into the performance but have to cut it out because Yara has a bad arm and can’t lift Kelly (I guess we were wrong about those arms?).
In Rujubee-land, the girls are wearing some fierce footwear, and seem to really have their routine down. The team mouths that Kady is an inner firecracker, but perhaps they’re not seeing her in the audience’s Xanax haze. But as compliant as Kady is when it comes to performing, she’s not willing to drag up her makeup come show time, which hello, is the best part of hanging out with drag queens. Kady may just ruin this whole rodeo by not doing a full drag face.
Team Shad gets in their practice time with Jillian and Chad shows us Visible Irritation With Crazy Bitches Realness at Shannel. Chad goes into his relationship with Shannel and how he misses Shannel’s mom Debbie and oh my, tears? Tears! These two are the Blanche and Dorothy of the competition.
And then suddenly, it’s 48 minutes into the episode and it’s judging time. Ru is serving some see-through realness as she announces the judging panel, and reiterates Michelle Visage’s past in nineties freestyle pop group Seduction. It really does take two to make a thing go right. First up – Team Shad perform “Glamazon” as the Savage Sisters. Chad lets us know that “We are working together like hot glue on a rhinestone on a dress.” They do look good, and their team outfits highlight guest performer Jillian’s dreamy ass. Team Yarlexis does “Covergirl” as the girl group Fanny Shosha and have evidently cleaned out the tri-state area of their sparkly purple fabric. Team Rujubee is V3 and does “Jealous of My Boogie,” lip-syncing the track into a fine paste.
Shannel’s belt is on the chopping block, but the judges really love Team Shad’s overall synergy. And Jillian’s ass. Jillian’s behind reminds Rosie of “when I used to have sex with the lights on.” Mary loves Team Yarlexis’s look, but Santino reads them for having clumsy choreography. V3, on the other hand, gets props from Rosie for giving “good mouth.” But then Santino reads Raven for her “terra cotta” panty hose.
The judges deliberate and then Team Shad are given the all clear condragulations – for the second week in a row! That leaves Team Yarlexis and Team Rujubee to the lip sync for your life business. Ru mouths the rules about how teammates can tag each other out if a “shemergency” is on the horizon, and then we’re off to the Pussycat Dolls’ “Don’t Cha.” It’s Raven vs. Alexis. “I’m giving them the essence of Raven, which is sex,” says Raven as she shows off her faux-cooter on the floor. And then, oh snap, what is happening? Yara Sofia tags out Alexis and takes over, shocking everyone, Alexis most of all. Yes, we’ve had our first shemergency tag out.
But is the tag out enough to save Team Yarlexis? Sadly, no. Yarlexis is given ye olde “sashay away” from Ru, while Team Rujubee is spared once more.
And now we’re down to just two teams – Team Shad and Team Rujubee. Could you really see it any other way? Which all star are you missing from All Stars?
Next week: It looks like the teams break up and we see some real breakdowns.