Gossip Girl Recap Recap: NJBC Is Back

With only two more episodes left to handle the fates of the Upper East Siders we’ve come to adore and abhor, the writers pumped out another dramatic Thanksgiving episode. Their solution this time around: bringing every character — mortal enemies and ex-fiancés included — under one roof to feast on the van der Woodsen’s rapidly prepared bird.

The viewers were finally pleased with an episode — for the first time since roughly three seasons ago. The renewed Chair and Chily pairings as well as the NCBC reunion had viewers cheering. DHumps once again fulfilled the role of being the most-hated character, and the episode cemented that he’s nothing more than a hair-displaying, insecure Bass wannabe. There’s even an official drinking game in place for the final episodes. Some lingering questions: Just how evil is Bart Bass? Why didn’t S call Carter Baizen instead of Steven? Is Dan Gossip Girl? And finally, the question all viewers want answered: When in the world will Chair finally get in bed together? Time is ticking. Until next week, here’s the recap of the recap.

Realer Than the Humphreys Wanting to Be Basses

• I think the Foodle and Dan’s chest hair are trying to arrange a meeting. —AMIBBDOS

• “They’ll never respect guys like us,” Rufus tells Dan. “You know, guys that don’t have jobs and just sit around making waffles and taking inventory of their accessories. It’s not like Lily’s jewelery just arranged itself!” Oh Rufus, you’re right. No one will ever respect you. Plus 100 —FEED_THE_DUCKS

• Guaranteed The Humphrey Stuffing Recipe is made with waffles instead of white bread. —ELLECAT

• Dan and Blair go to the movies, Chuck and Blair go to war. Plus 100. —LIMOSANDSCHEMES

• SEVENTH HEAVEN. I laughed, no points. —PINK_CASHMERE

• Nate punching Dan. That was from all of US. +6 seasons of loyalty. —MARLASINGER

• Nate: “All he does is drink in bed and argue with Monkey” +3 to the thought of Chuck is his silk robe, swirling scotch while philosophizing about life with his dog (and for the hint of jealousy in Nate’s voice) —CATCHMESOMEBASS

• Monkey crying outside the door for Chuckles!! MY HEART!! Minus 20 But they were reunited at the end. Plus 50 —CHUCKISMYPUPPY

• Nate’s face when Chuck said to find a hot tub time machine had “I always knew those were real!” written all over it. +10 —FAKENAMEISGOODENOUGHFORME

• Much as I can’t stand Sage, I sure did appreciate the variety of sexy looks on Chuck’s face during the “I don’t mind if you watch” scene. Plus 5 for the slow but steady rekindling of the Chuck Bass libido.—ISLANDIA

• After lasts week’s titillating “I own you” Bart-Nate phone-call, Chuck furthers the Bart-Nate sexual tension by advising Nate to “Lie back and think of England.” +10 —YOUGOGLENCOCO

• So, what we’ve learned is Horses = Oil = Paintings = Microfilm = MURDER. Glad we got to the bottom of the boring Bass mystery. Can Chuck and Blair just bang now? —BRANDIE_LARUE

• Plus all the points in the history of all time for Dorota’s “Like stomach flu” response to Dan & Serena’s relationship running its course. How I will miss the true queen of the UES! —RJDAWSON

• OOOOOOOOOOOF COOOOOOOOOOOOOOURSE HE USES A TYPEWRITER . +10000000000000000000000 —LIZLENIN

• There aren’t enough exclamation marks to convey how much I enjoyed that punch. All the points. And for once, they go to Nate, the golden retriever who finally chose the right moment to remember his loyalty. Finally, the NJBC returns. —MACARONSANDSCOTCH

• Dan’s chapter on Serena was basically Lily’s “you don’t have boyfriends, you have life rafts,” speech. Gossip Girl, Blair, Nate, and even Steven have told her the same things. So why does everyone get all up in arms when Dan puts it in print? Saying Serena has daddy issues is like saying Cece liked gin or Rufas likes rich blondes. +10 for realness, because no matter how many times you say it, it’s different if someone from Brooklyn puts it on the internet. —MOCKINGBIRD

• Plus a zillion for Blair’s pant suit. It was may-ja. —NYMAG_FAN

• Chuck banned Blair from the Empire when they were having a sex fast. Real. Plus 50. —STILETTO33

• “Bart Bass is a master manipulator; he has ruined me, you’ll be child’s play” Chuck mournfully intones to Nate. +20 because Chuck’s depression-voice often slips into Downton Abbey mode, conjuring up additional images of Chuck-in-a-tux hotness. —SHARKSWEATERVEST

• Whatever Dan’s plan is, I hate it in advance. But if it means he winds up up alone and exiled, living in Spain with She-Of-The-Ratty-Weave-And-Turquoise-Jewelry and writing The Sun Also Rises 2, then +500. —JSTARKS

• If Dan wants to be the new Bart Bass, perhaps he can fake his own death and leave everyone alone for a bit… —SEA7

• When Chuck was confronting Lily at the dinner table and Blair brought him over his scotch, I got chills. The way he touched her back was approx infinity times sexier than any Serena sex tape could ever be. I felt like I was having a vision of all their future business dinners where they toy with their prey and it was awesome. Hell, that may be a vision of future parent-teacher conferences too. Can we skip the finale and just watch those? +250 —TRUMPETSTRUMPET

• Chuck and Lily totally have a code in which “water” means “gin”. Plus 5. —PURPLEANDGREEN

• You know Rufus is feeling the holiday blues when his breakfast is cereal instead of waffles + 5 –CHELSEAGRL1492

• The VanderBassHumphBass fireplace has been the best new character this season, driving more plotlines along then anyone else. +5 —CAITLINGILBS

• Chuck Bass’s personality is slowly coming back! Scheming foreplay and sex with Blair, hating his father, taking over Nate’s task and drinking all in the same episode! Too bad Sage was the one to bring that leer we all love back to life. No points until he says, “I’m Chuck Bass.” —DIAMONDTIARA14

• Just simply a thousand million points for those lingering shots of the NJBC judging dan… he is the worst and i dont even know how i can support him and serena as end game. Poor lovable golden retriever serena, someone throw her a bone (wahey). –POLLYROCKETT

• The only way the writers can redeem themselves from the sloppy last few episodes is if everyone is on that plane crash, they all end up on some random deserted island, and we realize that: Serena actually died the first time she o.d.’d, Chuck died in that alley in Prague, Blair died while trapped in Russell Thorpe’s gas leak fire, and that the past two-three seasons have all been a delusion of Nate in order to cope with being forever alone. No points, just saying. –CHIVYLEAGUE

Faker Than Bart’s Spray-On Tan

• So, five seconds after Blair tried to get past the doorman, she convinces him that she is an offensively costumed prostitute? And then we STILL don’t get a Chair sex scene? Minus 100 —AMIBBDOS

• “He has ruined meeeeeeee!!!” Chuck cries over his daddy issues, wearing silk pajamas and reeking of scotch and rich white people problems. Minus 15 —BROOKLYN_FOR_LIFE

• No publication—let alone Vanity Fair—would publish a big deal story at 7pm on Thanksgiving night. Save it for Monday, please. -5. —MARAHE

• Okay, so Dan, having tried and failed to be an “Insider” for five seasons, is now taking his revenge on all the people who used to disrespect and look down on him by becoming the devil himself, Bart Bass. Um, Dan? Shave off that mop on your head so your brain gets some air, and then remember how Serena stood up for you, Nate looked beyond Chuck’s insults and became practically best friends with you (AND was not “looking down” on you when he accepted your hospitality when he was living alone), and Queen B of the Met Steps chose YOU over a titled prince and the Dark Prince, Chuck Bass. Even GEORGINA, the biggest snob ever, doesn’t look down on you. YOU dumped Serena and YOU cheated on Blair with Serena, YOU UNGRATEFUL, UNKEMPT MORON. –Six seasons of hoping for character development —MARLASINGER

• So Dan now claims he planned everything all along, like some villain mastermind. Maybe he thinks his spongey weave is a worthy substitute for a twirly mustache. No. -10 —APATHYONMYSIDE

• Thanksgiving dinner with sunlight streaming in the windows? No. Everyone knows its pitch black in NY by 4:30pm this time of year.—WRITEOPINIONS

• THAT is the replacement painting? A person with black eyes that kind of looks like a demon? Although fitting to Bart’s ‘antichrist’ stance with the flames behind him, that thing is horrifying. -25 —NIKOLE0602

• “I have a plan,” smirks Dan, and we later see him furiously TYPING (of course he uses a typewriter, I’m sure computers are only for rich people) THE FINAL CHAPTER. I’m hereby christening this “plan” to apparently redeem Dan as the writers’ “douche ex machina.” Minus ten. —CHUCKBASSLOVE

• Next week promo: Chuck maybe dies. It wouldnt be a season of GG without Chuck fake dying at least once, but like the Batman that he is, he always rises. -4 —JJOVANA3

• Bart may be a reptile, but Rufus, you’re a parasite. Minus 50 Rufus. Trust me, there’s nothing noble about buying Lily a Cartier necklace with her money. And those love songs, another minus 20. —KANGAROOTATTOO

• Serena: “I can eat everything here” Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize the table was set with nothing but berries of doom and pie. Minus 1,000—XRAYCHICKEN

• No cleavage rhombus for Thanksgiving??? Preposterous. Minus 5.—STILETTO33

• *clink, clink, clink* “dinner’s ready”. Exceptional toast, half wit. -1. The only thing to fear about Dan is, and apparently will forever be, his hair. -3. Lipwatch 2012: must conclude that it is not contagious from the disgusting way Sage was pecking at it with no adverse reactions thus far.—BETCHPLZ

• Chuck really plans to fake-die in the next episode? That is so Bart—TIMEIA

• Minus 10 for seemingly everyone in this episode suddenly pretending like they eat. Besides Rufus who is clearly depression eating. —YOUANDWHOSEARMY

• Bart in front of the massive fireplace was so cliche. He should have been stroking a white cat and peering out from a monocle to make it even more evil. -4 —PIECEOFBASS

• The thought that Rufus made himself a packed lunch to eat at the Lisa Loeb concert was by far one of the saddest things from the episode. Sad because those clearly weren’t waffles inside the tupperware container. Minus 50. —WHOWANTSWAFFLES

• I can’t believe Blair didn’t go Puritan with her Thanksgiving role-play. She knows that Chuck loves defiling purity even more than destroying indigenous peoples. Amateur mistake, B. -5 —TRUMPETSTRUMPET

• Lily is proud of Serena for going grocery shopping. Remember when Lily was proud of Serena for “going to college” two seasons ago? -5 because Oh Serena how the mighty have fallen.–RHODESRHOMBUS

• The look Chuck gave when he thought he was going to get to watch Nate have sex was the most aroused I’ve seen him all season. And that definitely includes when Blair showed up dressed as the most politically incorrect and offensive stripper ever. Minus 10 for Blair. I’ve been telling you all season, girl - check your man! He’s turning you down left and right and yet the insta-hard he got when he saw Nate…well, I’m just saying. Careful. Learn from Eleanor’s journey with Harold. —ABBY_E

• “Blair’s plan worked perfectly!” Sage loudly says approximately 4 inches from Serena. Really, no one heard that? Where is Supersonic Ears Abrams when you actually need her? Minus 2 points per ear. —BRANDIE_LARUE

• Was it just me or when Bart flew across the room and grabbed Lily did you feel like you were watching a very bad vampire movie? I was waiting for him to bare his fangs and bite her neck. Of course he’d get botox instead of blood. Minus 100 —XRAYCHICKEN

• There are just too many parallels to ignore! -air girl Charles is obsessed with? Older woman named after a flower whose husband everyone thinks is dead? Uncomfortably close step-siblings?! If next week Chuck stumbles out of plane wreckage onto a beach and is overcome by smoke reeking mysteriously of weed, it will be clear that Gossip Girl is just a convoluted prequel to Lost. —CROWDGOESWILD

• Blair should never wear pants again. -15 —SABBOTAGE

• -10 for Monkey being the only one of Chuck’s pets crying outside his door. I wouldn’t doubt there are scratches from Nate’s woeful pleas previously. Why is it that Blair and Nate know who Chuck’s dentist is but NO ONE knows who Chuck’s mother is? -300—GINSOAKEDCECE

• This was the Thanksgiving Episode…..where were the french fries from the diner?? – 30 —ANUNKINDRAVENBASS