“Thanks, everybody! Y’all ready for some Django Unchained? Are you guys ready to get UNCHAINED?! You know, actually, it’s funny: Just before I came out, they were telling me that there was a little problem in the projection booth with the projection bulb, and just a couple of scenes might have a slight strobing effect at the bottom … and I’ve been starting to do the press for the film, last week, and I’m getting a lot of questions about, ‘Oh, you’ve been doing this for twenty years now, how is anything different? What do you differently now than you did back then?’ And I’m saying, ‘Oh, I haven’t changed at all! Nothing’s different.’ But I actually started thinking about it when they told me that stuff about the projector bulb, and twenty years ago, fifteen years ago, or even ten years ago, I would have fucking flipped out, and had a fucking attack on everybody! Now I’m like, ‘Yeah, so what? It’s okay. It’ll be fine.’ You know, I think what I have learned is that if the film is good, it doesn’t matter, any imperfections. And if the film is bad, it doesn’t mean anything when [the projection is] perfect. So I think I’ve finally calmed down. Also, because I’m such a fan of film projection, projector fuck-ups, I tend to look at as romantic now. A DVD never fucks up.
Anyway, here we go! Starting with my three monster producers here, I want to bring them up, Stacey Sher … Reginald Hudlin … and Pilar Savone. [Applause] WHEW! And I want to bring up our illustrious cast, so we can line them all up here and bask in their genius. I’ve got a little card here, not because I forgot who they are, but just to remind myself who is here.
Starting off, number one, is the man who is playing the title role of Django: First name Jamie, last name Foxx, middle name Motherfucking; ladies and gentleman, let’s bring out JAMIE MOTHERFUCKING FOXX!
Next up, in the role of Dr. King Schultz, CHRISTOPH WALTZ! Looking very bald!
Next up, playing Chickasaw County’s favorite son, Calvin J. Candie, LEONARDO DiCAPRIOOOOOOO.
Next up, playing the role of Stephen, first name Sam, last name, Jackson, middle initial L., SAMUEL L. JACKSON!
Now, you want to be here for the next guy, who was famous for playing a character named Crockett, and I would like to mention we also have Tubbs here, so you are in the presence of Crockett and motherfucking Tubbs: DON JOHNSON!
Next up we have playing Leonide Moguy, esquire, DENNIS CHRISTOPHER!
And coming up, playing Cora, the beautiful and lovely DANA GOURRIER. [applause] There she is. Look at her pretty self. Beautiful hair! Beautiful shoes! Beautiful dress! Darling! Darling!
And we have coming up next, playing the elusive Sheba, NICHOLE GALICIA. There she is, the beautiful black girl in the beautiful white dress. She can only walk so fast, it’s kind of a tight train.
And last but not least, not part of our cast, but part of the emotional experience of this movie … a little story. All of a sudden, we’re shooting towards the last two months of the film, and I get a cassette tape in the mail. By the way, if I had gotten a link or something to plug into my computer, I would have thrown that shit away, because I don’t know how to do that shit, but I got a cassette tape, and that I know how to play. And on the cassette tape was this fantastic song, and with a little letter that said, ‘Hey look, I wrote this and I heard it for your next movie, and I’m gonna send the song to you. I did it, I wrote it for you. If you can use it, great, if you can’t, I appreciate it.’ The song was magnificent, and it was by a man named John Legend. And he’s here tonight! Looking sharp in that blazer, I must say.
Okay, everybody! I’m ready to watch a movie, how ‘bout you?”