Hello, Shorveans. We have only a few episodes left of squeezing narrative blood from this unscripted programming stone. Let’s get to it, shall we? Hop into the wire basket of my recap, Rascal.
This week, we handed out apologies like so many recovering pill-addicted juice heads. Vinny and Jionni buried the hatchet like two lesbian moms planting a placenta under a mulberry bush. Sitch tried to make amends with Nicole. Paula apologized for making Mike almost hold a drink. Pauly’s hair spoke silent volumes.
Big Brother of the Year Award: Pauly
Oh Paul. Paul! Pauly has been alarmingly subdued this season, so it was nice to see him and Vinny being protective of Nicole, grilling Jionni about what he’d be doing with his life. Yes, I’m sure his ATM business will provide for Nicole and the baby. We can all sleep a little easier now, right? Knowing Nicole won’t go hungry? Everybody uses ATMs.
Highest Emotional Intelligence Quotient: Vinny
In case you were also worried about how Vinny was going to pay his mortgage at the end of this season, can I just say that this guy has a bright future in conflict resolution? The more he uses “I messages” to express empathy and effectively communicate with others, the better I feel about the fact that he roams free on our beaches. I also liked when he groomed Pauly, like bonobo with a chest piece.
Best Use of a Turquoise Necklace to Inspire Terror: The Psychic
Poor Deena was scared half to death by a house call from a boardwalk medium who did little more than burn some sage and ignore Snooki’s questions about her magical vagina. Dee, you should probably never visit Sedona.
Baby Genius: Lorenzo
I love that the baby is giving the Snooki the finger. You get those residuals, Enzo.
Most Misdirected Apology: Situation
First, you should be apologizing for that haircut. I cannot address this enough. Look, I don’t know what is going on up there but it’s unacceptable. God, it’s like a yarmulke made of out eyelashes. It’s like Sasquatch’s patella. I just need it to stop.
Best Vacuum Seal: Ron
Ron won the baby bottle chugging contest, although you could hardly even call it that, because he slaughtered the competition. Is he is part goat?
Finest Champanya: “Cristal”
You know what? I’m proud of Snooki for not knowing what Cristal is or how to pronounce it. She’s the best character Joe Eszterhas never wrote.
Most Distracting: Nicole’s Eyelashes
Okay, Mike’s hair is a close second but Snooki’s falsies look like something you use to brush snow off of your car. Seriously, it’s like the hand-eye thing from “Pan’s Labyrinth.” I don’t understand how they’re not filled with bits of debris. They’re like awnings. Jesus Christ.
Should Be in Jail: Sammi
Usually I’d be excited that Sammi did anything, but locking the boys on the roof was just cruel. The camera people up there have families.
Stockholm Syndrome: Paula
This is not an award so much as a diagnosis. If you were Paula and your ex-boyfriend was Mike (I know, but just stay with me) wouldn’t you panini him within an inch of his life? I mean, I love her borderline illiterate mash note, but have some dignity.
Most Underused: Karen
I don’t know why Snooki’s old woman character is named Karen, but I definitely wanted to see more of her. Who knew the Seaside was harboring a secret Peter Sellers the entire time?
Most Creative Interpretation of Human Reproduction: Deena
I love when Deena toasted “Sisters from another mother!” Hmm. Well, maybe in some weird, dystopian future? Okay.
Well, guys, that’s it for now. I’m happy to see this through to the end with you, assuming we survive the apocalypse and or several weeks of office Christmas parties. Salud.