The Real Housewives of Atlanta
This week, Kenya had a mental breakdown over a bathtub and Phaedra wore a pair of fishnets as a bathing suit cover up, but before we head to Anguilla we have some unfinished business with Kim.
We pick up where we left off last week, with Kim telling everyone she will not be going to Anguilla with them, even though everyone moved heaven and earth to accommodate her schedule. When countered by Nene, she just gets up and walks out. Kim pushes a camera out of her way while she gets in the car, and Kroy tags in to finish the job, pacing around the sidewalk like the Ikea monkey, pushing cameras away and threatening lawsuits before getting back in the car and driving away. There is a brief montage of Kim’s confrontational highlights — Black Babygate 2011 and Nene threatening to strangle Kim on a bus in Florida — while Kroy and Kim sail off into the sunset. In her (hopefully last) confessional, Kim says, “I think I realized today that no one here is my friend,” to which the entire population of the planet smacked their own foreheads and said “duh.” Back in the restaurant, everyone agrees that Kim’s family is a priority, which is fine. Cynthia gets in a good dig at Kenya (“We all have kids … except Kenya”) in an attempt to explain that she understands why Kim may be pulling away from the group. Nene has some parting words for Kim in her confessional, namely “Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.” Byegirlbye.
Now that Kim is out of the picture, there are some spots open on the upcoming trip to Anguilla. Since Kenya has already invited herself, Nene suggests she bring her boyfriend Walter along as well. Kandi confirms that she knows Walter, who once asked her for a date, and plays it very cool, unlike Kenya, who, upon finding out, ruined a nice meal and caused a huge scene. Nene jokes about a fake album and video she’s going to make called Excuses, and soon enough everyone is laughing and having a great time. They have cleansed themselves in the waters of Lake Gimmevodka, and are ready to start anew.
There’s a brief interstitial at Kandi’s house, where her mother confesses to liking Todd, much to Kandi’s relief. They talk about the Kim brunch drama for a little bit, and her mother reminds Kandi that Kim is a woman who once had her mother thrown out of her wedding. “If you look at the way she treats her mama, you’re surprised she’s not talking to you?” Touché, Mother Joyce, Tou. Ché.
Peter and Cynthia go on a double date with Porsha and Kordell; apparently Peter is a football fan and has the major hots for Kordell, so Cynthia set up this dinner to see if proximity to celebrity could make him act like a human being for an hour. When Porsha shows up without Kordell, Peter yells, “So I got tricked!” realizing he now has to dine with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Duh alone. Peter is a cock and a half, but I can’t say I blame him. When Porsha mentions that Kordell loves golf, Peter tries to make himself sound like Tiger Woods in order to get the chance to hang out with his idol. Cynthia shuts him down, and then tells Porsha about the upcoming trip to Anguilla, after which she issues a hasty invitation. Cynthia says “Any enemy of Kenya is a friend of mine,” just in case we did not pick up on her incredibly obvious ulterior motives.
Everyone finds their way to the airport so that we can truly get this vacation experience underway. When Peter finally gets to meet Kordell, he literally bows down to him and starts calling him “Slash.” I imagine he’s referring to a nickname, but I just start thinking back to my metal-loving youth and how much more fun this trip would be if Guns n’ Roses showed up. Kenya shows up in six-inch stilettos and hands out pack lunches in brown paper bags, and Todd shows up last minute to surprise Kandi by joining the trip. Once on the plane, Cynthia starts recording every move people make, so she catches Kenya wondering out loud if “someone will get proposed to on this trip.” Not you, sister.
They reach Anguilla and climb onto a boat, where Kenya grabs control of the steering and tells everyone to “hold onto their weaves” as she zooms through the water. Hats are blowing off, dresses are flying up, and one of Cynthia’s boobs pops out. When they reach land, Nene says, “I’m calling the police — that was the worst boat ride of my life,” but it seemed to start the trip off on a fun note. Nene and Gregg crawl into an Escalade with Peter and Cynthia; everyone else piles into a bus and makes Rosa Parks jokes about where they are seated. Gregg seems to blink in and out of a mild stroke while talking about keeping his left eye open and right eye closed to Cynthia’s exposed boob on the boat, and when we get to the hotel everyone just wants to know where they can find their rooms. Kenya unsurprisingly starts ribbing Walter about what size diamond he might buy for her while they are on the island: “Is he going to propose to me? I don’t know!” Kenya, I’ve known you for all of five minutes and can tell you the answer is NO. Perhaps someone will buy you a course in How to Read Body Language instead.
Finally at the resort, everyone is thrilled with their rooms except Kenya, who has a junior suite instead of an executive suite. What really turns her into a lunatic is the lack of a bathtub. The concierge leaves Walter to tend to Kenya as she throws herself on the bed face-up and starts wailing into a pillow because she does not have a bathtub. A bathtub. This scene was wildly uncomfortable to watch, because it hints to some possible mental issues, which Walter all but confirmed by asking her if she had taken her medication. Thankfully, Phaedra and Apollo bring the comic relief by discussing the potential filthiness of their hot tub, which Phaedra wants to scrub down with bleach before entering because her doctor told her that hot tubs are bacterial cesspools. Phaedra assures Apollo that she “does not have time for bacterial vaginosis.” She tells Apollo he cannot possibly understand the seriousness of this because he does not have a vagina, to which he tries to level the playing field by saying he has a “pee-pee hole.” Consequently, this is also the moment I learn that nothing will make moss grow over your vagina and seal it shut faster than hearing a grown man say “pee-pee hole.”
In their own suite, Cynthia and Peter are excited that Gregg and Nene seems so close. They talk about how they haven’t taken a vacation together since they got married, when Cynthia brought her 9-year-old daughter with them on their honeymoon. They start to paw at each other, prompting Peter to say, “We only have an hour before we meet everyone,” and Cynthia to reply, “It won’t take that long.” Watching these two pretend to be nice to each other is already taking too long, so I’m zoning out and moving on.
Next, everyone gathers around the pool. Nene and Gregg are laid back on some futon padding, and she says, “Honey do you love me?” Gregg says yes, and she asks, “Then what’s holding you back?” Gregg cannot hear her at all, so she has to ask the question five more times to his replies of “What? Huh? Heh?” In order to add an exclamation point to just how elderly Nene and Gregg are by comparison, Apollo saunters by wearing pool shorts and a smile. Walter is already in the pool, and Kenya flirts with Apollo for a minute before nudging him into the pool. Phaedra does not like this, and Kandi points out the obvious by saying “If you mess with her man, she might taze you.” Apollo picks up Kenya and jumps into the pool with her, which has pushed Phaedra to the limit. Walter watches the whole thing from the pool with his real girlfriend, Rum.
The next morning, everyone seems to be getting along at breakfast, so naturally Phaedra shows up wearing a fishing net stretched over her thong bikini. Take that, Kenya! Donkey booty to the rescue! Peter rushes everyone out to a Matroyshka doll set of boats, and the couples break off to explore the island on their own. Kenya is, of course, telling Walter how badly she wants to get married, and says they “should just stay here and just … elope.” Walter literally chokes on his drink, and asks Kenya if she was really ready for marriage. She pouts and says she “doesn’t need an elaborate ring,” — record scratch, hasn’t she been saying the exact opposite thing all season? — “because they can get bigger rings later.” Oh, okay, that’s the marriage-crazed Kenya we all know.
Kandi and Todd escape to a place called On Da Rocks Bar and Grill, with a drink list featuring the “Fuck Me Sideways, Fuck Me Up, Get Me Laid, Panty Dropper and … margarita.” Todd orders a “Sideways,” and he and Kandi talk about how alcohol makes them “warm”; they are genuinely cute and I’m glad they are away from the drama.
Porsha and Kordell hang around in the background, but are mysteriously absent from any major story lines this week, and I am fine with it.
They all go to a place called Modena with two waterfalls inside the lobby so take that, Frank Lloyd Wright! Phaedra has conferred with the Minister of Tourism to stage a “cultural extravaganza” in the form of a visit from the local dance academy. Aw, they are so cute … wait … what are they doing?! I simply cannot stand to watch these little girls thrusting their crotches at me. I feel gross, but everyone else seizes the opportunity to go and dance with them, prompting a drunk Nene to say, “I’ve been working the pole for a hundred years, I know how to get my coins and go home.” Gregg nods as he looks on, while Peter is sandwiched between Kenya and Cynthia. Phaedra is uncomfortable at the thought of Kenya grinding on Peter while Walter looks on, and doesn’t want Kenya to “rub [her] funky booty up against his genitalia.”
Back inside the hotel, Kenya is flirting with a tall Filipino gentleman named Jeff, who owns a hotel. Kenya asks if he is married (yes) and if he wants to donate sperm to create a beautiful Black-Filipino baby (no thank you), and finally admits that she has been trying to make Walter jealous. In another corner, Peter tells Apollo that his private pool party with Kenya was a bit weird, and Kenya “Perfect Timing” Moore sidles up at that exact moment to ask Phaedra who she would pick to have a threesome with Apollo. Everyone cringes, and in her confessional, Phaedra says, “You can show me your cervix, but please don’t put your paws on Apollo.” Words to live by.
What do you think of this vacation so far? Will Nene get Kenya in a headlock next week? Are Apollo and Phaedra going to wake up to find Kenya in their hot tub, riddled with bacterial vaginosis? Will Porsha remain blessedly silent? We’ll have to tune in to find out.