cheek by jowl

Jason Statham vs. Jason the Stat Ham

Today’s release of Parker comes in the fifteenth year of Jason Statham’s movie career, which has been a great time for fans of stoic action heroes, but a very dark period for one person: Jason the Stat Ham. Pre–Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, this numbers fanatic was living a hilarious existence as the world’s most outgoing and flamboyant statistician, cracking up analysts, marketers, and fellow statisticians alike with his kooky presentations. “He made number-crunching fun!” they would say, still chuckling over his reports and wiping the smashed melon off their suits. But then Statham emerged, and the more films he made, the more people would interrupt his zany antics to ask if his title was an allusion to a certain bald action star. “No!” he’d protest. “We’re actually quite different!” … but no one listened, and he was dismissed as a novelty. But there is no reason the two cannot exist in their separate fields, so it is incumbent on us to lay out their many differences.

Jason Statham

Jason the Stat Ham
Name Jason Jason
Job Actor Statistician
Type Strong and silent. Smart and hammy.
Loves Cracking skulls. Crunching numbers.
Performs His own stunts. His own calculations.
Main Obsessions Kicking ass, taking names. Means, modes.
Eyesight 20/20. Needs strong reading glasses after decades of looking at charts and figures.
First Career Champion diver. Statistician for diving championships.
Modeling Experience Modeled for French Connection U.K. before acting. Specializes in semi-parametric models, particularly focusing on multiple covariate examples of Cox proportional hazards models.
Voice Cool and Cockney, rarely rising to a yell. Babbling and giggly, rising to a manic howl when doing his go-to impression of Christopher Walken as a census-taker.
Frequent Collaborator Guy Ritchie. Some guy named Rich.
Lethality Can kill with a knife, gun, or any household object. Kills with his bit about a fat statistician who enters a pie-chart-eating contest.
Hobbies The martial arts. Oddly enough, martial arts.
Dates Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. "Dates!? Who's asking!? Does someone want to go out with me!? Does she like stats!?"
Jason Statham vs. Jason the Stat Ham