Aren’t we all so excited for the Destiny’s Child reunion that’s supposed to happen at the Super Bowl? Of course we are. But earlier this week, Michelle Williams said she couldn’t confirm or deny that the reunion was afoot. That got us thinking: What if Destiny’s Child included the other Michelle Williams? The actress who, post–Dawson’s Creek, seems to traffic in sad, sad, sad movies? What if Blue Valentine Michelle Williams were the third member of Destiny’s Child? This is what would have been different:
- “Bills, Bills, Bills” would have been a tragic ballad about the struggles of the middle class in a decaying Rust Belt community (even though Destiny’s Child Michelle Williams was not part of the group when this song came out, actress Michelle Williams would be, in imagination land, where this story exists).
- “Say My Name” would have been about a tragic accident that leaves a tough, outdoorsy woman without the use of speech.
- “Jumpin’, Jumpin’” would have been about the tragic lives of lady-hobos of the nineteenth century.
- “Independent Women Part 1” would have been a song about some tragic single mothers.
- “Survivor” would have been about the people who escaped a tragic accident, but featured Ryan Gosling on the ukulele.
- “Soldier” would be the tragic story of a woman whose family is ripped asunder by war.
- “Bootylicious” would be exactly the same.
But Brokeback Mountain would never have existed. Trade-offs!