Today, as part of Vulture’s Sitcom Smackdown, a three-week series to determine the best sitcom of the past 30 years, Julie Klausner pitted South Park against Arrested Development (read her judgment!). Over the years, South Park has lampooned hundreds of celebrities. Really. We counted. Some received a quick, easily missed one-liner, while others found themselves the subjects of entire episodes. Some enjoyed the slings and arrows; others wrote a song about it and put it on an album called My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. Some participated in their own mockery; others complained to Viacom and threatened not to participate in publicity for Mission: Impossible III. And all are included in this exhaustive list of celebrities mocked on South Park.
Affleck, Ben He appears as the missing son of a couple suffering from TPS, a condition that makes their faces look like butts. (S5) Later, smitten with the new Jennifer Lopez (Cartman’s hand with lips drawn on it), he makes love to her before she reveals herself to be Mitch Connor, a drifter con man. See also Jennifer Lopez. (S7)
Afro Ninja See Chris Crocker. (S12)
Aguilera, Christina One side effect of Ritalin is the appearance of a monster with the face of Xtina. It causes Cartman to kill Kenny. (S4)
Akihito, Emperor He and fellow Japanese leader Prime Minster Yukio Hatoyama are ruthless in their war against dolphins and whales, who they believe dropped the atomic bombs on their country at the end of World War II. (S13)
Allred, Gloria She appears in South Park to represent Big Gay Al after he’s thrown out of the Mountain Scouts for being gay. She wins the discrimination suit, but when Al decides he doesn’t want to force the Mountain Scouts to accept gays, she labels him a homophobe. (S5)
Al-Zawahiri, Ayman The leader of Al Qaeda issues a jihad on Family Guy for its plans to depict Mohammed and because it “isn’t even that funny of a show.” (S10)
Arthur, Bea Waits with other dead celebrities (Ted Kennedy, Billy Mays, Natasha Richardson, Ricardo Montalban, David Carradine, Oscar Mayer, Patrick Swayze, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Dom DeLuise, Walter Cronkite, D.J. AM) for Michael Jackson to come back to the Purgatorial Plane so they can move on. When they do move on, it’s to hell. (S13)
Baldwin, Stephen At the end of an episode about Towlie’s drug addiction, viewers are told to visit a website aimed at helping Baldwin make a comeback. (S14)
Batali, Mario See Alton Brown.
Bay, Michael See M. Night Shyamalan.
Beck, Glenn Cartman mocks the tea-party hero with a chalkboard setup and conspiracy theories about how student-body president Wendy wants to kill Smurfs. (S13)
Benedict XVI, Pope He’s called in to investigate a statue of the Virgin Mary that’s apparently bleeding out of its ass. Upon inspection, he determines it’s bleeding out of its vagina, which isn’t remarkable because women do that all the time. (S9)
Bieber, Justin A force of great evil, Bieber is squashed between the fingers of Cthulhu, who also kills a bunch of his fans. (S14)
Blaine, David The street magician beguiles people with his magic and then persuades them to join his cult, Blainetology. (S5)
Bleeth, Yasmine See Steve Forbes.
Blink-182 The band joins fellow musicians Ozzy Osbourne, Missy Elliott, Master P, Blink-182, Alanis Morissette, Meat Loaf, and Rancid as protestors of illegal downloading. (S7) (S7)
Blitzer, Wolf As Obama’s deal with the Chinese starts to unravel, Blitzer reports on it in his trademark boring fashion. (S16)
Bonds, Barry Joins Jason Giambi and Mark McGwire, two other baseball players with legacies tainted by PEDs, to present an award to Special Olympian Jimmy, who took steroids himself. (S8)
Bono The longtime record-holder for world’s biggest poop, U2’s lead singer is revealed to be the record himself. In 1960, a man pooped and raised the turd as Bono, explaining why he can do so much good and still seem like “such a piece of shit.” (S11)
Brady, Tom He appears in a commercial for Butters’s Creamy Goo, a sports drink made of semen. See also Jim Rome. (S16)
Brown, Aaron The former CNN anchor continually interrupts correspondents to throw to other correspondents covering the story of a man coming back from the future. (S8)
Brown, Alton He and other celebrity chefs Paula Deen, Bobby Flay, Jamie Oliver, Mario Batali, Giada De Laurentiis, and Guy Fieri descend on South Park, where Randy has become obsessed with cooking shows, to film the new show Hell’s Kitchen Nightmares Iron Top Chef Cafeteria Throwdown Ultimate Cookoff Challenge. (S14)
Brown, Gordon, with Silvio Berlusconi, Vladimir Putin, again, Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva, Raila Odinga, Taro Aso, Han Seung-soo, Nicolas Sarkozy, Matti Vanhanen, Angela Merkel, Wen Jiabao, and John Howard. The leaders of England, Italy, Russia, Brazil, Kenya, Japan, South Korea, France, Finland, Germany, China, and Australia conspire with Randy to launder space cash found on a ship that crashed in South Park. (S13)
Bryant, Kobe With fellow rich black people Bill Cosby, Diddy, Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, Snoop Dogg, and Oprah, he moves to South Park after Token convinces them it’s the new Aspen. Vilified as the “Richers,” they soon flee South Park after the townspeople dress as ghosts and chase them out. (S5) Later attends a meeting for sex addicts along with Eliot Spitzer, Charlie Sheen, Michael Jordan, Ben Roethlisberger, Bill Clinton, David Duchovny, Michael Douglas, David Letterman, and Billy Bob Thorton. (S14)
Buffett, Jimmy When Sir Elton John fails to show up for a party benefiting an AIDS-stricken Cartman, Buffett plays a few songs instead. Cartman’s pissed, and Kyle laughs a lot. (S11)
Bundy, Ted Tasked with getting a cake for Satan’s Halloween party, he and fellow serial killers John Wayne Gacy and Jeffrey Dahmer engage in some slapstick shenanigans at a bakery. (S10)
Burton, Tim He’s ridiculed for not having an original idea since Beetlejuice and repeatedly putting Johnny Depp in the same movie with the same music. (S14)
Bush, George W. The president is hell bent on building a ladder to heaven so the military can act on evidence that Saddam Hussein, dead for several months, is building WMDs up there. (S6) Later, Bush holds a press conference to announce the GOP’s desire that Kenny be left on life support, à la Terri Schiavo. In the presser, Bush repeats the words of a hooded figure whispering in his ear. (S9) The next season, he meets with Fox executives to convince them not to air an episode of Family Guy that shows Mohammed’s face. Also admits that the U.S. is behind 9/11 and kills a truther in the Oval Office to prevent the secret from getting out. (S10)
Calderón, Felipe The Mexican president hastily creates a holiday when Butters immigrates to Mexico. (S15)
Cameron, James After Honey Boo Boo has lowered the bar so much, Cameron ventures to the depths of the ocean to find the bar and raise it. He’s very self-absorbed, but he’s ultimately victorious. See also Honey Boo Boo. (S16)
Carey, Drew He says “shit” a bunch on his show in an attempt to be edgy, but no one finds it funny anymore. He gets stabbed through the head by a Knight of Standards and Practices. (S5)
Carradine, David See Bea Arthur.
Carrot Top Carrot Ass, as the show calls him, is onstage doing bad impressions when Ms. Crabtree, the school bus driver, heckles him until he pees his pants and walks offstage. (S2)
Castro, Fidel Upon reading a letter from Kyle about his dreams of Cuban freedom, he renounces Communism and opens Cuba to visitors. (S4)
Cena, John He wrestles and argues about women with fellow WWE wrestler Edge as the boys and a bunch of rednecks cheer them on. (S13)
Cheney, Dick Never a great shot, the veep attempts to kill Kyle and Stan with a crossbow but misses. (S10)
Chertoff, Michael The former Homeland Security head has a deep hate for Peruvian pan-flute bands and sets out to eradicate them from the world with ruthless zeal. (S12)
Clinton, Bill The president’s voracious sexual appetite leads him to hook up with Cartman’s mother, who, according to this episode’s title, is a “dirty slut.” (S2) Later, when threatened with the release of a sex tape featuring himself and Marisa Tomei, the president is prepared to sign a retroactive document declaring the Confederacy victors in the Civil War. (S3) Also see Kobe Bryant.
Clinton, Hilary In South Park for a presidential rally, Clinton has a snuke in her snizz (or a nuke in her vagina) that was put there by the queen of England, who’s trying to win the Revolutionary War once and for all. (S11)
Cochran, Johnnie Hired by the record executive to sue Chef for harassment, O.J. Simpson’s lawyer employs the Chewbacca defense, which is meant to confuse the jury and lead to an acquittal. (S2)
Collins, Phil Jealous of Timmy’s new band, he wins fans of his own after South Park’s children are given Ritalin. When the doctors realize they’ve created Phil Collins fans, they give the kids Ritalout and he’s booed offstage. (S4)
Condit, Gary Along with John and Patsy Ramsey and O.J. Simpson, the former congressman attends a support group for those who have lost someone close to them but had nothing to do with that person’s death. (S5)
Coppola, Francis Ford See George Lucas.
Cosby, Bill See Kobe Bryant.
Couric, Katie Two and a half pounds of human excrement is one couric, the official unit of measurement for poop. (S11)
Crocker, Chris and Laughing Baby, Dramatic Chipmunk, Tay Zonday, Afro Ninja, Numa Numa, Star Wars Kid, and Tron Guy are all waiting in the Department of Internet Money to get their checks for being viral video stars. (S11)
Cronkite, Walter See Bea Arthur.
Crowe, Russell He’s drunk, he’s angry, and he’s hosting a show called Russell Crowe: Fightin’ Round the World, in which he travels the globe punching people out. (S6)
Cruise, Tom Convinced that Stan is the second coming of L. Ron Hubbard, Cruise seeks his approval. When Stan says he’s not a huge fan, Cruise hides in a closet and everyone spends the rest of the episode telling him to come out of the closet. (S9) Later, while touring a candy factory, the boys spot him packing fudge. (S14)
Curry, Ann The Today host (along with Matt Lauer, Meredith Vieira, and Al Roker) welcome Butters on to discuss his book The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs, which makes them all vomit profusely. (S14)
Cutler, Jay Stan tells the quarterback he sucks but he’ll be good one day. (S11)
Dahmer, Jeffrey See Ted Bundy.
Dawkins, Richard The evolutionary biologist is called in to teach evolution at South Park Elementary and soon develops a sexual relationship with Mr. Garrison. In a flash forward to 2546, the world has been taken over by atheism, but there is a war among nonbelieving sects. (S10)
De Laurentiis, Giada See Alton Brown.
Deen, Paula See Alton Brown.
DeGeneres, Ellen See Kanye West.
DeLuise, Dom See Bea Arthur.
Diamond, Neil Krishna takes the form of the singer-songwriter to entice Barbra Streisand, in robot dinosaur form, into a duet so she can be destroyed. (S14)
Diana, Princess (S10) Appears at Satan’s Halloween party dressed as Lara Croft.
DiCaprio, Leonardo He is shown employing the services of a young prostitute named Ming Li. It’s actually Cartman. (S2)
Diddy Kyle calls him to South Park to enforce his “Vote or Die” motto on Stan, who didn’t vote in the mascot contest. (S8) Also see Kobe Bryant.
Dierdorf, Dan The NFL commentator is calling a game between the Chiefs and Dolphins when Japanese madmen storm the field and murder all of the Dolphins. (S13)
Dio, Ronnie James The metal god plays his song “Holy Diver” at the South Park Elementary Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance. (S3)
Dion, Celine The ex-wife of fellow Canadian Terrance (of Terrance and Phillip fame) and mother of his child, she falls back into his arms after he rescues their daughter from Saddam Hussein. (S2)
D.J. AM See Bea Arthur.
Dog the Bounty Hunter and his crew. When Cartman needs to hunt down a teacher that slept with Ike, he plays the role of Duane “Dog” Chapman and recruits help from the bounty hunter’s crew. Beth’s boobs are enormous. (S10)
Donohue, Bill When Jesus arrives at the Vatican and says the pope was meant to be a rabbit, the head of the Catholic League resists his word. Instead, he declares himself pope and puts Jesus in jail. But Kyle kills Jesus, allowing him to escape from the cell and kill Donohue. (S11)
Douglas, Michael See Kobe Bryant.
Dramatic Chipmunk See Chris Crocker.
Duchovny, David See Kobe Bryant.
Duffy, Patrick The Step by Step dad and nondescript actor is one leg of Scuzzlebutt, a Big Foot–like creature that Cartman makes up. (S1)
Earnhardt Jr., Dale Jimmie Johnson, Danica Patrick, Jeff Gordon, Tony Stewart, and Matt Kenseth. The NASCAR racers are normal and intelligent and not at all “poor and stupid,” which is what Cartman believes is necessary to be a good race-car driver. (S14)
Edge See John Cena.
Edward, John Stan sees the host of Crossing Over for what he is, a con man, and calls him out on it. Then he calls him the “biggest douche in the universe.” (S6)
Elizabeth II, Queen After her attempt to win the Revolutionary War fails, she puts a gun in her mouth and pulls the trigger. (S11)
Elliott, Missy See Blink 182.
Elway, John In another mistaken flashback, Cartman remembers that John Elway is his father. He’s not. (S2)
Favre, Brett Along with Thousand Island dressing and a sauna, the then-Packer is the subject of Mr. Garrison’s sexual fantasies. (S2)
Fawcett, Farrah See Bea Arthur.
Fieri, Guy See Alton Brown.
Flay, Bobby See Alton Brown.
Fogle, Jared He comes to South Park to pitch the Subway diet and, after facing criticism for using aides (a trainer and nutritionist) to get thin, launches a campaign to give everyone aides. But everyone thinks he means AIDS, so they plan to kill him until the misunderstanding is revealed. They all laugh about AIDS. (S6)
Forbes, Steve Invited for a first look at a new mode of transportation called “IT,” and seen in a black limo. Other attendees arriving for the sneak peek: Steve Jobs in a white limo, Ted Turner in a helicopter, Donald Trump in a private jet, Bill Gates in the USS Bill Gates XP, and a runny-nosed Yasmine Bleeth in a crappy car. See also Enrique Iglesias. (S5)
Freeman, Morgan Sitting by a fireplace, with gravitas to spare, he reads a passage from Butters’s second book, The Poop That Took a Pee. See also the Kardashian clan. (S14) Later, he appears to explain the complicated relationship between Obama and the Chinese to Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.
Frost, Jo and Cesar Milan. The Supernanny also comes in to set Cartman straight but, after three days with him, spends most of her time sobbing and eating her own excrement. As her last resort, Cartman’s mom calls in the Dog Whisperer. He ruthlessly uses dog-training techniques on Cartman, and they work. (S10)
Fuhrman, Mark and Michael Richard. The two users of the N-word invite Randy to join their group as they lobby Congress to make a law disallowing the use of the epithet “nigger guy.” (S11)
G, Kenny Yoko’s assistant conductor, he also molests Mr. Garrison in the middle of the night. (S3)
Gacy, John Wayne See Ted Bundy.
Gates, Bill See Steve Forbes.
Giambi, Jason See Barry Bonds.
Gibson, Mel After watching The Passion of the Christ, Kyle and Stan go to Gibson’s house to demand their money back. He strips to his underwear and suggests they torture him instead. When the boys take their money and leave, Gibson chases them down in the tanker from The Road Warrior and eventually poops on Cartman’s face. (S8) Also see M. Night Shyamalan.
Gifford, Kathie Lee The undiscerning businesswoman proves as undiscerning in handing out awards when she travels to South Park to give Cartman a prize for his environmentalist essay, which was actually Thoreau’s Walden with his name on it. (S1)
Gingrich, New First seen at a primary debate as Cartman crashes the stage to Faith Hill. Seen again at another debate where a cat has replaced Ron Paul and all the candidates join Cartman in “Faith Hilling,” or pulling one’s shirt forward to pretend like you have boobs. (S16)
Glass, Philip The minimalist composer is hired to create a creative, nondenominational Christmas pageant. He takes it too far, and everyone hates it. (S1)
Goldberg, Whoopi She hosts the 42nd Annual Nobel Prize Awards and makes jokes about how stupid Republicans are, including this one: “Republicans are so stupid.” (S3)
Gomez, Selena Cartman agrees not to be a bully if the school brings in Gomez and the administrators kick her ass. So they do. (S15)
Goodell, Roger See Jim Rome.
Gordon, Jeff See Dale Earnhart Jr.
Gore, Al The former VP visits South Park Elementary to warn of ManBearPig, a monster that loves killing humans. Though no one has ever seen it and few believe him, Gore insists that ManBearPig is real. In his effort to prove ManBearPig’s existence, he causes problems that he then blames on ManBearPig. (S10)
Green, Tom A guest on Howard Stern’s show. He’s willing to give him a BJ for $20,000. (S4)
Griffin, Kathy She has an award named after her at South Park Elementary’s first annual comedy awards show. It’s given to the person most likely to show up and receive it … Tyler Perry. (S15)
Hackman, Gene Concerned with Christopher Reeve’s newfound addiction to sucking fetus juice to get stem cells, the actor rises up against him and works to pass a law outlawing fetus-juice-sucking and launching Reeve into space. (S7)
Hanks, Tom He’ll act in anything, including a movie written by a fat third-grader that also stars a monkey. (S2)
Hasselbeck, Matt The decent NFL quarterback is part of an expert inception team. (S14)
Hatoyama, Prime Minister Yukio See Emperor Akihito. The two Japanese leaders are ruthless in their war against dolphins and whales, who they believe dropped the atomic bombs on their country at the end of World War II. (S13)
Hayward, Tom BP’s CEO apologizes for the Gulf oil spill and for tearing a hole into another dimension and for drilling on the moon and releasing the “dark and mighty Cthulhu.” (S14)
Hetfield, James See Lars Ulrich. (S7)
Hewitt, Jennifer Love She works at the Cow Days Festival, where five dollars buys a chance to throw a ball into her mouth and win a prize. Of course, the balls don’t fit into her mouth. (S2)
Hill, Faith See Newt Gingrich.
Hilton, Paris The heiress arrives in South Park to open a store called Stupid Spoiled Whore, and the town’s women love it. After bringing nearly all South Park women under her spell, Hilton is swallowed up by Mr. Slave’s anus and he convinces parents that girls need a better role model. (S8)
Hitler, Adolf Appears at Satan’s Halloween party dressed as the Verizon Guy. (S10)
Honey Boo Boo and Mama Fat and nasty, the Boo Boos eat so much “sketti and butter” that Honey Boo Boo needs a heart transplant from a hog. The new heart doesn’t change her, though. In fact, it “makes [her] sassy, child!” (S16)
Hussein, Saddam Iraq’s dictator attempts to take over Canada on his way to taking over the rest of the world, but his plans fall short when he is killed by the power of forceful farts. See also Celine Dion. (S2)
Iglesias, Enrique The singer-songwriter’s sexy gyrations inspire Mr. Garrison to invent a new mode of transportation called “IT.” “IT” is so good it convinces John Travolta to give up airplanes, which might have something to do with IT’s penislike handles, which are held in each hand, inserted into the mouth, and inserted into the anus. (S5)
Irwin, Steve The Crocodile Hunter, whose signature move is sticking his thumb up the butts of animals, is enlisted by the FBI to help in the hunt for a prehistoric ice man. (S2) Later appears at Satan’s Halloween party without a costume. Satan assumes he’s someone else in a Steve Irwin costume, complete with sting ray hanging out of his chest, and tells him it’s too soon for that costume. (S10)
Jackson, Alan Inspired by the efforts to build a ladder to heaven, the country star shows up to sing his song “Where were you when they built the ladder to heaven?” and hawk his album full of 9/11 songs. (S6)
Jackson, Jesse The Rev briefly appears to protest disenfranchisement of the black students in Mr. Garrison’s kindergarten class only to learn there aren’t any black students in Mr. Garrison’s kindergarten class. (S4) Later, Randy apologizes to the Reverend for guessing the N-word on Wheel of Fortune (see Pat Sajak); Jackson accepts on the condition that Randy kiss his bare butt. He does, and a photo runs in several newspapers. (S11)
Jackson, Michael Though he goes by Michael Jefferson, the tiny-nosed man-child who moves to South Park with his son Blankey is clearly MJ. Jefferson never had a childhood so he wants to live it as an adult, which causes him to neglect his son. His face is also falling apart after too much plastic surgery. (S8) Also see Bea Arthur.
Jacobs, Marc He appears in the form of Cartman’s toy, Muscleman Marc. (S15)
James, LeBron Cartman uses the LeBron James Technique, which consists of asking a bunch of introspective questions like LBJ did in that “What should I do?” commercial, to confuse his mother. (S14)
James, Rick Performs at Chef Aid to benefit his old buddy Chef. (S2)
Jobs, Steve The late Apple head kidnaps three people, including Kyle, to make his latest and greatest poop-powered product, the HUMANCENTiPAD. (S15) Also see Steve Forbes.
John, Sir Elton He sings a song with Chef and it doesn’t sound very good. (S1) Reveals himself to be an old friend of Chef’s who wrote songs like “Cheddar Cheese Girl” until Chef introduced him to a guy named Bernie Taupin. (S2) Later, visits South Park along with Broadway bigwigs Andrew Lloyd Webber, Stephen Schwartz, and Stephen Sondheim to warn Randy that he cannot put on a musical with overt sexuality or it will ruin Broadway’s shell game of priming female libidos with covert sexuality. (S15)
Johnson, Magic Kyle and Cartman call on Magic to help them find the cure for AIDS. And they do. About “$180,000 shot directly into the bloodstream” will cure the disease. (S11)
Jolie, Angelina Her pubic hair is where lice go to live in bliss. (S11)
Jonas Brothers Nick, Kevin, and Joe are just pawns in a game run by an evil, money-hungry Mickey Mouse. Their pure image is faked so Mickey can sell them to teen girls as both sexy and innocent. (S13)
Jordan, Michael See Kobe Bryant.
Kardashian Clan After reading Butters’s second book, The Poop That Took a Pee, a crazed fan murders them all. (S14)
Kelly, R. He appears in a news report singing about Tom Cruise being in the closet and eventually joins the two actors in the closet. (S9)
Kenseth, Matt See Dale Earnhart Jr.
Kidman, Nicole She tries desperately to get Cruise to come out of the closet. (S9)
Kim, Lil’ Depicted with breasts as big as her head, Kim is allowing the winner of a South Park dance contest to be in her next video. (S8)
Kimmel, Jimmy See Kanye West.
King, Don Boxing’s most famous and unscrupulous promoter takes up Satan as his newest client as the dark lord prepares to fight Jesus. (S1)
King, Larry He has Christopher Reeve on his show to discuss his success with stem cells and is unfazed when the actor opens a fetus and drinks its insides. (S7)
Knoxville, Johnny A guest on Howard Stern’s show, he’s willing to give him a BJ for $30,000. See also Tom Green. (S4)
Koppel, Ted The stalwart newsman interviews the boys about their new organization dedicated to protecting classic films from their own directors. See also George Lucas. (S6)
Korn Rap-metal heroes Korn come to South Park for a Halloween concert and encounter ghost pirates while proving to be personable, friendly dudes. (S3)
Kornheiser, Tony and Michael Wilbon. On an episode of Pardon the Interruption, Tony plays a clip of an Obama-bashing podcast that Cartman recorded after landing a gig driving a NASCAR car and then determines the sport really is just for the “poor and stupid.” (S14)
Laden, Osama bin The terrorist mastermind is a buffoon with a tiny penis who is outsmarted by Cartman before an American soldier shoots him in the head. (S5)
Lane, Mills The only boxing ref anyone’s ever heard of officiates the fight between Jesus and Satan. (S1)
Lauer, Matt See Ann Curry.
Laughing Baby See Chris Crocker.
Lee, Geddy Rush’s lead singer performs a take on “Candle in the Wind” about farts. (S15)
Lehrer, Jim He appears on Broflovski family TV sounding really old and really boring. Still, Kyle’s little brother is watching attentively. (S6) Later, he is brought into South Park Elementary to interview the two prospective candidates for new school mascot — Giant Douche and Turd Sandwich. (S8)
Leno, Jay The Tonight Show host has a chin that literally goes down to his knees and books guests such as “washed-up actress from a sitcom.” (S2) Teams with Adam Sandler and Eugene Levy to fight Funnybot, a joke-telling robot who they think could make them irrelevant. Eugene Levy makes a movie with Funnybot. (S15) Also see Kobe Bryant.
Letterman, David See Kobe Bryant.
Levy, Eugene See Jay Leno.
Lewis, Emmanuel The former child actor is the head of the English Dictionary Officiates and comes to South Park to officially change the definition of the word fag to mean an inconsiderate person “most commonly associated with Harley riders.” (S13)
Lewis, Shari and Lamb Chop. Mr. Garrison harbors a secret fantasy about cutting Lamb Chop off of Shari’s hand and throwing it into a lit grill. (S2)
Lopez, Jennifer J.Lo goes to South Park after getting dropped from her label in favor of the new Jennifer Lopez, which is really Cartman’s hand with lips drawn on it. She ends up working at a Mexican restaurant and serving probation. (S7)
Lucas, George (again) and Steven Spielberg (again). The boys see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and they’re positive it included a scene of the two directors actually raping Indiana Jones. (S12)
Lucas, George He appears on Nightline with Steven Spielberg, where they represent self-indulgent directors who cannot leave their own work alone and also get the idea to recut Raiders of the Lost Ark. (S6)
Maltin, Leonard A force for good, the film critic travels to South Park to first warn the boys about Streisand and then fight her after she transforms into Mecha-Streisand. He’s easily beaten. (S1)
Manning, Peyton See Jim Rome.
Manson, Charles He escapes from prison with Cartman’s uncle, takes the boys to the mall to see Mr. Hankey, and is overcome with the Christmas spirit. (S2)
Mayer, Oscar See Bea Arthur.
Mays, Billy See Bea Aruthur.
McCain, John He, Sarah Palin, and Barack and Michelle Obama are all portrayed as members of a jewel heist team. Obama uses the Oval Office to access a tunnel that allows him to steal the Hope Diamond from the Smithsonian. Michelle is a computer hacker, and Palin is an international cat burglar. (S12)
McGwire, Mark See Barry Bonds.
McLachlan Sarah The supporter of abused pets, who was “famous for a few months,” takes up the cause of crack babies. (S15)
McMahon, Ed See Bea Arthur.
McMahon, Vince On the hunt for new wrestling talent, McMahon recruits the boys’ disgruntled wrestling teacher to the WWE. (S13)
Meat Loaf An old friend of Chef’s who was called Cous-Cous until Chef suggested he change his name to something meatier. (S2)
Meat Loaf See Blink 182.
Mencia, Carlos See Kanye West.
Merkel, Angela The German chancellor and former president Christian Wulff take South Park Elementary hostage to dispute the school’s vote that Germany is the least funny country on the planet. (S15)
Milan, Cesar See Jo Frost.
Minnelli, Liza She’s a member of a freak people union, which also includes Woman With Crablike Body and Man With Terrible Skin Condition. (S6)
Montalban, Ricardo See Bea Arthur.
Morissette, Alanis She made a music video of herself in a car for the song “Stinky Britches,” which Chef had stolen from him by a record executive. (S2) Also see Blink 182.
Musburger, Brent In a mistaken flashback, he is remembered as the leg of Scuzzlebutt. The leg was actually Patrick Duffy. (S2)
Newman, Randy On his way down to the ocean to raise the bar lowered by Honey Boo Boo, James Cameron must fight Newman, who doesn’t want anyone raising the bar. (S16)
Nicks, Stevie A goat is repeatedly mistaken for the Fleetwood Mac singer and eventually joins the rest of the band for a rousing rendition of “Edge of Seventeen” in front of America’s troops. (S5)
Nolte, Nick He presents the Nobel Prize to Randy Marsh for his theory of “spontaneous fart things.” (S3)
Nordegren, Elin Her Thanksgiving 2009 fight with Tiger Woods over his indiscretions is immortalized in the latest Tiger Woods EA Sports game, which the boys love. (S14)
Numa Numa See Chris Crocker.
Obama, Barack After announcing the imminent end of the earth, the president adds that he will spend his last minutes of life watching a Tyler Perry movie because he “just can’t help it.” (S15) Later, it’s revealed that to win reelection last November, he struck a deal with China in which he would give the country the rights to Star Wars in exchange for help stealing votes. (S16) Also see John McCain.
O’Brien, Conan See Kanye West.
O’Donnell, Rosie When her nephew Filmore loses the election for kindergarten class president, she descends upon South Park Elementary to protest. (S4)
Oliver, Jamie England’s healthy-eating czar has informants embedded in Colorado’s fried-chicken black market. (S14) Also see Alton Brown.
Ono, Yoko Special guest conductor for the Worldwide Recorder Concert in Oklahoma City. (S3)
O’Reilly, Bill Portrayed as a level-headed moderator who books guests with labels such as “pissed-off redneck” and “aging hippie liberal douche.” (S8)
Osbourne, Ozzy Performs at Chef Aid to benefit his old buddy Chef, who once told him to buy a pompadour hat. Ozzy misheard it as “bite the head off a bat.” (S2) Also see Blink 182.
Oz, Dr. When Stan and Butters appear on his show to talk about their anti-bullying video, Oz bullies Butters into revealing more details about his past. Butters snaps and attacks him. (S16)
P, Master See Blink 182.
Paisley, Brad The country star sings “I Swear” with Cartman as he attempt to ruin Kyle and Nichole’s date at a Clippers/Nuggets game. He also sings the National Anthem. (S16)
Palin, Sarah See John McCain.
Parker, Sarah Jessica Butters’s book The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs makes fun of her for being ugly, and in an attempt to get the book banned, Cartman and Kenny try to get her killed. So they trot her out into the woods dressed as a moose, which just means putting antlers on her because her face already looks like a moose. (S14)
Patrick, Danica See Dale Earnhart Jr.
Paul, Ron See Newt Gingrich.
Phil, Dr. He has Cartman on his show as the “little boy whose mother constantly tries to fuck him.” (S15)
Poitier, Sidney The legendary actor arrives in South Park after Maltin fails to fight off Mecha-Streisand, turns into a giant turtle with fangs, and is himself defeated by the singing robot dino. (S1)
Pope, The The pontiff is an old, wrinkly babbling mess. (S4)
Portman, Natalie She must open her wormhole for an alien pilgrim to get back to his home planet, but will only do so after Kyle wines and dines her. (S15)
Povich, Maury The talk-show host is shown hosting a talk show that’s only slightly more ridiculous than his actual talk show. (S6)
Primus Perform at Chef Aid to benefit their old buddy Chef. (S2)
Putin, Vladimir Desperate for money, Putin takes a call from Kyle about transporting a killer whale to the moon before deciding it’s just another prank call from George W. Bush. (S9)
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Hosts The five gay stars of the erstwhile Bravo show are revealed to be crab people, banished from the surface of the earth 100 years ago. Eventually South Park’s women kill them after growing frustrated with the emasculation of their husbands. (S7)
Radiohead The favorite band of dickhead ninth-grader Scott Tenorman, Thom Yorke and crew show up in South Park after Cartman convinces them Scott is suffering from anal cancer. When they arrive and see Scott crying, they make fun of him and leave. (S5)
Ramsey, John and Patsy See Kobe Bryant.
Ramsey, JonBenét The dead pageant girl is Satan’s friend in hell and advises him to consult God for relationship advice. (S4)
Rancid Perform at Chef Aid to benefit their old buddy Chef. (S2) Also see Blink-182.
Real Housewives of New Jersey cast They move to South Park and act generally outrageous. Teresa upends a table. Caroline shaves her face. And they start a big fight at a local salon. (S14)
Redford, Robert As he transforms Park City for Sundance, Redford’s plans to make every small mountain town resemble Los Angeles are revealed. (S2)
Reeve, Christopher Superman shows how stem cells can help the crippled by cracking open fetuses and sucking their juices, allowing him first to walk and then to acquire superpowers. (S7)
Regis & Kelly When the Queef Sisters appear as guests, Kelly shows her support by queefing on air and Regis runs away from the odor. (S13)
Reid, Stella The Nanny 911 star called in to tame Cartman is soon driven away after he guesses that she’s never had children because no wanted to sleep with her and her “uterus is slowly shriveling away, drying up, becoming totally worthless.” (S10)
Reiner, Rob Despite his campaign to end smoking in Colorado, which relies on lies and deception, he eats so much that when Cartman stabs him with a fork, goo spills from him like gravy from a boat. (S7)
Reno, Janet The former attorney general dresses as the Easter Bunny and breaks into the Marsh house to capture a set of quintuplets who had escaped the oppressive regime in Romania. (S4)
Richards, Michael See Mark Fuhrman.
Richardson, Natasha See Bea Arthur.
Rivera, Geraldo The talk-show host turned Fox News personality has an insanely obese Cartman on his show as a guest. (S1)
Roberts, Eric Julia’s brother is reduced to reenacting crimes on America’s Most Wanted until he is trapped in a small building with hungry South Park residents who resort to eating his flesh. (S2)
Robertson, Pat Upon learning of the planet Marklar, he begins raising money to build a spaceship to send missionaries to Marklar. (S3)
Roethlisberger, Ben See Kobe Bryant.
Roker, Al See Ann Curry.
Rome, Jim He and Roger Goodell, Peyton Manning, and Woodley Lamar intervievw Randy about sarcastaball, the sport Randy sarcastically made up but actually caught on. Rome sarcastically approves. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell sees a potential for profit by making football more like sarcastaball and hires Randy coach the Broncos. Peyton Manning and LaMarr Woodley prove to be better at sarcastaball than football. Cee Lo Green sings the sarcastaball anthem, which includes lyrics such as “I love sarcastaball/ It’s so much better than football.” (S16)
Romney Mitt See New Gingrich.
Rose, Charlie (again) He moderates an in-depth discussion about the popularity of Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld, a topic that probably doesn’t deserve an in-depth discussion. (S4) Later, has Stan on his show as the only person in America who still wears a “What Would Jesus Do?” wristband, even after PEDs were found in the Shroud of Turin. (S16)
Rumsfeld, Donald The secretary of Defense is a bloodthirsty cheerleader for the president. (S10)
Russell, Jason As Stan gets a big head about his role in the anti-bullying video, Kyle thinks he’s made it about himself and warns him not to end up “naked and jacking it in San Diego,” a reference to the Kony 2012 dude’s fall from grace. (S16)
Russell, Kurt He helps soldiers cross over into Imaginationland to defeat the Islamic terrorists. (S11)
Saget, Bob Before his dirty side was well known, the one-time Mr. Tanner was mocked as the host of America’s Stupidest Home Videos. (S1)
Sajak, Pat The Wheel of Fortune host is shocked when Randy is given the puzzle “N_GGERS” in the category “People Who Annoy You” and fills the blank with an i instead of an a. (S11)
Sanders, Colonel The man behind KFC becomes a hardened chicken dealer when Colorado bans his fast-food restaurant. (S14)
Sanders, Jerry The San Diego mayor endorses his city as a great place to jack it. (S16)
Sandler, Adam See Jay Leno.
Santorum, Rick See Newt Gingrich.
Savage, Fred The Wonder Years star shows up at the film festival as fans are disappointed that he is Fred Savage. (S2)
Schneider, Rob He stars in a series of trailers for absurdly stupid movies such as The Stapler, A Carrot, and Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb. (S6)
Schwartz, Stephen See Sir Elton John.
Schwarzenegger, Arnold When Randy calls him to get California’s help in fighting off the Jerseyans, he tells them the state has no money and also doesn’t care. See also the Situation (S14)
Shane, Tom Kyle calls the owner of Shane Co. a “legend” for his fantastic radio commercials. (S11)
Sheen, Charlie See Kobe Bryant.
Shyamalan, M. Night Asked by the government to come up with ideas on how to stop terrorists who have stolen all human imagination, M. Night Shymalan can only come up with twist endings. Michael Bay can only come up with action sequences, while Mel Gibson makes a helpful suggestion and twists his nipples during his meeting with the military. (S11)
Simpson, O.J. See Gary Condit.
Sinatra, Frank He’s a good buddy of Satan’s. (S10)
Situation, The The Situation can only respond with variations of “It’s just a Jersey thing” when asked why he and his fellow Jerseyans are invading Colorado. Part of the invasion, Snooki is depicted as a half-human, half-rat creature, and only wants to “smoosh, smoosh!” But as Kyle says, she’s garbage and has “cabbage in her muff.” (S14)
Smalls, Biggie Repeatedly summoned back to South Park when people say his name three times in a mirror, Biggie gets angrier and angrier and begins shooting at people. He hits no one. (S10)
Smith, Robert It takes the mopey lead singer of the Cure, in the form of a giant moth, to destroy the evil Streisand. (S1)
Smith, Will and Jada Pinkett See Kobe Bryant.
Snooki See the Situation.
Snoop Dogg See Kobe Bryant.
Snyder, Tom See Kanye West.
Somers, Suzanne Her late-eighties sitcom She’s the Sheriff replaces Terrance and Phillip after the Canadian duo is pulled from the air following complaints about vulgarities. (S1)
Sondheim, Stephen See Sir Elton John.
Sonny & Cher Terrance and Phillip are also guests on their show. The Canadian comics fart on the hippies. (S5)
Spears, Britney As a victim of music downloading, the pop star had to sell her Gulfstream IV and replace it with a Gulfstream III. She joins the boys and Metallica in their protest of illegal downloading. See also James Hetfield. (S7) Later, she’s a sad pawn in the game of people trying to get rich off of her. Even when she blows off two-thirds of her head with a shotgun, they keep trotting her out for performances. (S11)
Spielberg, Steven The man identified as the director of Always and 1941 publicly withdraws his support for the Scouts after they dismiss Big Gay Al. (S5) Also see George Lucas.
Stallone, Sylvester Though Wing loses on his reality show The Contender, Stallone is so enchanted with her voice that he invites her to sing at his son’s wedding. These wishes are relayed through producers who translate his unintelligible speech. (S9)
Star Wars Kid See Chris Crocker.
Stern, Howard He hosts a talk show about whether doing dumb things on TV makes one a prostitute. He also offers his guests $50,000 for oral sex to find out if they really are prostitutes. (S4)
Stewart, Martha She does a segment on her show on how to best decorate one’s queefs. See also Regis & Kelly. (S13)
Stewart, Rod Recruited by Jesus to star with him in a comeback concert, Stewart is confined to a wheel chair, mumbles his lyrics, and poops his pants onstage. (S3)
Stewart, Tony See Dale Earnhart Jr.
Streisand, Barbara Babs is an evil thief who steals a magic stone from Cartman that allows her to turn into Mecha-Streisand, a giant mechanical dinosaur who can take over the world. (S1)
Strummer, Joe Performs at Chef Aid to benefit his old buddy Chef. (S2)
Struthers, Sally The advocate of feeding starving African children is busted hoarding all the Cheesy Poofs, Snacky Cakes, Boogie Bars, and Veal Roll-ups as the Ethiopians starve. (S1)
Sullivan, Ed Terrance and Phillip are guests on his show, where they sing a song about chicken and ham and disappoint the host. (S5)
Swayze, Patrick See Bea Arthur.
Swift, Taylor Mocked with the trend of “Taylor Swifting,” or dragging one’s bare ass across the floor. (S16)
T, Mr. As a part of a second-rate A-Team, the guy who pities fools snatches Mr. Mackey from a drug-addled honeymoon in India in order to send him to rehab. (S2)
Tay Zonday See Chris Crocker.
Taylor, James He plays guitar as Chef sings “The Prostitute Song” to the children. It’s a parody of Taylor’s “Your Smiling Face.” (S4)
Thornton, Billy Bob See Kobe Bryant.
Travolta, John Called in to convince Tom Cruise to come out of the closet, Travolta instead joins him in the closet. (S9) Also see Enrique Iglesias.
Troy Gun See Chris Crocker.
Trump, Donald See Steve Forbes.
Turner, Ted See Steve Forbes.
Two and a Half Men Cast When Cartman needs to feel stupid in preparation for a race, he watches the show. (S14)
Ulrich, Lars After crying by his pool, because music downloaders have prevented him from being able to afford a gold-plated shark-tank bar, the Metallica drummer joins James Hetfield and the boys in their protest of illegal music downloading. (S7)
Vieira, Meredith See Ann Curry.
Webber, Andrew Lloyd See Sir Elton John.
Ween Perform at Chef Aid to benefit a guy they don’t know named Chef. (S2)
West, Kanye Kanye gets upset when he can’t understand a simple joke about fish sticks. His huge ego drives him to kill Carlos Mencia, who appears on Conan, claiming credit for the joke (that Jimmy actually wrote), which Conan calls “probably the funniest most awesome joke ever.” Ellen DeGeneres has Cartman and Jimmy on her show to discuss the origin of what she calls the “perfect joke.” Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman, and Jay Leno all retell the fish joke to much laughter and applause. Tom Snyder conducts a probing interview with Kanye about his love of fish sticks. Kanye finally embraces the joke and believes he is in fact a gay fish. (S13)
Wilbon, Michael See Tony Kornheiser.
Winfrey, Oprah After having Towlie on as a guest to discuss his book, she learns he is a towel and has him back on the show to berate him for lying. She leads a mob hell bent on killing him, but before Towlie can be lynched, Oprah’s talking vagina pulls a gun and takes hostages. Oprah’s anus is shot and killed, then her vagina kills itself, and somehow, Oprah survives. (S10) See also Kobe Bryant.
Wing The Hong Kong–born singer who lives in New Zealand (in real life) is also the wife of City Wok owner Tuong Lu Kim (in South Park). (S9)
Woodley, Lamar See Jim Rome.
Woods, Tiger See Elin Nordegren.
Wulff, Christian See Angela Merkel.
Yothers, Tina The Family Ties star lands her next biggest gig as the judge of South Park Elementary’s Halloween costume contest. She names Wendy the winner for her Chewbacca getup. (S1)