What do you get when you mix together an MTV Cribs episode, a pinch of Jay Gatsby’s shirt-slinging, a soupçon of Alec Baldwin’s tour de force scene from Glengarry Glen Ross, and more than a healthy helping of Riff Raff in East Brazilia? Coat the product of that unholy recipe in some fluorescent frosting and you’ll end up with James Franco’s insane “Look at my sheeyit!” monologue in the new babes-in-bikinis crime flick Spring Breakers, which we have transcribed faithfully below in a demonstration of our civic duty to you, the reader. The scene comes around the halfway point of the movie (and is excerpted in this clip), when Franco’s vainglorious rapper-criminal character Alien takes Vanessa Hudgens and her barely dressed girlfriends on a tour of his trashy Florida compound, which is decked out with … well, just read on and memorize every phonetically spelled word, okay? This is poetry. We’re all lucky to be alive in 2013.
“This is the fuckin’ American dream. This is my fuckin’ dream, y’all!
All this sheeyit! Look at my sheeyit!
I got … I got SHORTS! Every fuckin’ color.
I got designer T-shirts!
I got gold bullets. Motherfuckin’ VAM-pires.
I got Scarface. On repeat. SCARFACE ON REPEAT. Constant, y’all!
I got Escape! Calvin Klein Escape! Mix it up with Calvin Klein Be. Smell nice? I SMELL NICE!
That ain’t a fuckin’ bed; that’s a fuckin’ art piece. My fuckin’ spaceship! U.S.S. Enterprise on this shit. I go to different planets on this motherfucker! Me and my fuckin’ Franklins here, we take off. TAKE OFF!
Look at my shit. Look at my shit! I got my blue Kool-Aid.
I got my fuckin’ NUN-CHUCKS.
I got shurikens; I got different flavors.
I got them sais. Look at that shit, I got sais. I got blades!
Look at my sheeyit! This ain’t nuttin’, I got ROOMS of this shit!
I got my dark tannin’ oil … lay out by the pool, put on my dark tanning oil …
I got machine guns … Look at this, look at this motherfucker here! Look at this motherfucker! Huh? A fucking army up in this shit!”