The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Gregg and NeNe are getting married again — good for them! But the real story this week is the thrilling end to the dueling booty saga we’ve been immersed in all season.
We are still wrapping up the dramatic events of Kandi’s housewarming party, as Kenya is still pissed off that Walter dares to walk the earth after their breakup. She stomps out of Kandi’s house, ready to wreck shop on anyone that gets in her way, and breezes right by Walter and his date! You could have cut the tension with a really dull nail clipper, since, seriously, everyone is completely over this entire breakup by now.
Don Juan, Kandi’s manager, escorts Kenya to her car, trying to convince her not to treat her SUV like a monster truck, while everyone else sits inside listening to Kandi give the breakdown of why Kenya left. Cynthia is a little taken aback by the fact that Phaedra knew Walter would be there and didn’t tell anyone, but who should Phaedra have contacted? She and Kenya fight more than Mugshot Marlo and Shereè ever did on a good day — was she really expected to sound the alarm? Cynthia is tired of “tiptoeing around the situation,” and is bothered that it takes so much energy to have the same conversation with Kenya over and over again. Don Juan knows the feeling intimately, as he tries to calm Kenya down, telling her it’s a “compliment to be stalked” and to “calm down and take a whoosa.” I was thrown by his flippant comment about stalking considering how many people live under the threat of sexual assault, but commend him for telling her that an ex-boyfriend sharing space at a party is basically only problematic if you’re 13 years old. When she finally tears ass out of there, he said, “She’s dramatic as a motherfucker!” out loud to no one, like most people do in her wake. The phrase will be etched on her tombstone, which will be propping up some exhausted roses that are tired of being so close to her bones.
NeNe and Gregg are back in Atlanta for a spell, discussing where Brent will end up going to school if The New Normal gets picked up for a second season. NeNe jokes that Gregg and Brent would stay in Atlanta while she goes to Los Angeles, but Gregg looks so devastated at the mere thought she quickly relents. It was actually very sweet when he commented on how far she’s come, that acting has always been her dream, and that he needs to see her every day. He asks if she wants to “have a wedding,” and called their relationship a “remix”; he’s as corny as you please, but so sincere in his love for her I can’t help but be charmed. The charm is quickly swept away when they start looking at video clips of NeNe in character as the Klumps on The New Normal, which is exactly the sort of minstrelsy that keeps me away from that show in the first place.
Never one to miss an opportunity to put money in Peter’s hand that did not come from her own bank account, Cynthia meets with Kenya and Lawrence at bar.ONE, a bar brought to you by the Peter Thomas Entertainment Group. He’s an entire group now! A conglomerate of soon-to-be-failed organizations! Lawrence was not invited to the housewarming party (which is weird — I thought he and Kandi were friends?), so Kenya gets him caught up on the night, by which I mean completely ignoring Kandi and only talking about the fact that Walter was there. She is upset that he keeps getting invited to these parties, and Cynthia tries to remind her that Atlanta is small and perhaps she should get over it. Kenya wants to protest, but Cynthia said, “The way you’re dealing with this is dramatic and unnecessary.” Two VERY IMPORTANT THINGS just happened: Cynthia actually said something to Kenya’s face that she had previously said behind her back, and Kenya actually heard her. It was like watching a new ship get dropped in the ocean and right itself instead of capsizing — these people just had an adult interaction! Please dust off the Constructed History of Reality Television and mark this unbelievable day. Kenya thanked Cynthia for being a true friend, saying, “I may not like what she’s saying, but I appreciate what she’s trying to do and I’m happy to have the support.” I’m fainting. Please pass the smelling salts.
We only get a little bit of Porsha this week, which, as per usual, I have zero problems with, but it’s a sad few minutes. She is visiting her therapist to talk about her marriage, which leads to some revealing moments about her miscarriage. It is hard to watch her work through her feelings; I really do sympathize with her, and her behavior this season clicked into sharper focus when she said that she was looking forward to this baby giving her a purpose. In all of my making fun of Porsha for being an airhead, I have not really noticed that she really does not have any adult responsibilities, which has to make her feel slightly worthless. I still think she could be filling this time with books, but her immaturity makes more sense when you think about the trajectory of her life and the sheltered, purposeless existence she has to contend with from day to day.
On a lighter note, Kandi crunches over some cobblestones to get to an event she is throwing for her Bedroom Kandi representatives, flown in from all over the country, and collects an AVN award for Best Sex Toy Line, an award so illustrious it causes someone in the audience to get up and do the Running Man dance. When was the last time you were that excited? Kandi cries as she thanks the women for being part of her dream and implores them to run the country “like real women bosses do.” I want to be inspired, but I can’t stand it when already rich people try to tell me how to make money.
There has been so much focus on fitness this season that hardly anyone is getting drunk, so NeNe and Cynthia saunter over to a wine shop to fix that. The sommelier tries to explain the notes and bouquet, but NeNe, like a true connoisseur and everyone I hang out with, just wants to know which one will get you drunk. Cynthia congratulates her for being so close to Gregg again, and they talk about how each of them has grown. The sommelier comes back, and they all but cover his mouth with their hands, look him dead in the eyes and start pouring their own glasses.
We get a peek at Kandi and Todd’s pillow talk as they discuss everything from whether or not her mother should move into the guest house (maybe, eventually), whether or not to have kids with a surrogate (yes, high five each other), what kind of rings she would like (costly, from Las Vegas), and whether or not Todd is okay with a prenuptial agreement (fine, as long as things are fair). Kandi wants a prenup because she “believes in fairness, but not stupidity,” and if I were the queen of a growth industry like dildos I’d ask for the very same.
After a season of bickering, it is finally time for the Battle of the Booty DVDs, the Thunder Concerning the Down Unders! Both Kenya and Phaedra show up to their respective studios (a dark warehouse in Atlanta and palatial Beverly Hills mansion, respectively) for some no-holds-barred sweating while simultaneously insulting each other. Phaedra says Kenya is no fun! Kenya says Phaedra is “serious about her meals, not serious about her workout”! Phaedra says Kenya has Home Depot–remodeled silicone buns! Kenya says a comparison between the two is like comparing “Jessica Rabbit to SpongeBob Squarepants, or a cheerleader to a linebacker”! Kenya has a booty pop, and Apollo wants you to do a booty drop!
They go back and forth like this for ages, and in the end we only learn a few things: Apollo is a terrible actor, Phaedra thinks fine spelled phine means “pretty great,” and Kenya, talking about herself in the third person, said she has the eye of a director, producer, and actor, so she’s complimenting herself in, what, sixth person? Phaedra’s workout looked more fun, since she essentially took existing dance moves and renamed them. The tornado is basically spinning around while simultaneously doing the cabbage patch; there’s another move where she rides the pony; and in what I hope is her signature move, she legit does the Kid n’ Play. Phaedra is exhausted by the multiple takes, and Kenya is so busy being eight people at once we really only see her on the mat squeezing her butt a few times. After all this time, the winner is … anyone who saves their money and skips both of these videos. Phaedra, not knowing the difference between a man’s prostate and a woman’s butthole, sums up the experience nicely, saying, “Our butts will be so sore it will feel like we got a prostate exam.”
Lastly, NeNe and Gregg are out to dinner. Gregg begins a heartfelt speech about how proud he is of NeNe … who interrupts him to check her text messages. Oh, I’m sorry, are you bored with someone trying to confess their undying love to you? He makes fun of her until she pays attention to him again, but I would have ordered a lobster riding a steak, waited until the food arrived, and left, saying, “TEXT ME THE TOTAL,” because I am a spiteful bitch. But Gregg stayed, and proposed. NeNe started choking — literally choking — but ultimately said yes, she would marry him again. They joke about his inability to get down on his knee, and you guys, NeNe is a self-important monster most of the time but I love them together. A happy ending — hallelujah!
Next week in a season finale that sounds like the premise to a Hanna Barbera cartoon, Kenya throws a party and promptly throws someone OUT of that party, Peter squawks at Kordell like a chicken, and Phaedra reveals her next business venture will be stun guns. At least we’ll end on a high note. Until next week!