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Full House and the Other Topics Covered at the Jack Black Roast

Jack Black==The Friars Club Roast of JACK BLACK==New York Hilton, New York==April 5, 2013==?Patrick McMullan==Photo-JIMI CELESTE/
Jack Black. Photo: Jimi Celeste/Patrick McMullan

Jack Black got roasted at the Friars Club on Friday, at an event hosted by Bob Saget. Also there to make fun of him (and each other) were Sarah Silverman, Jeff Ross, Amy Schumer, and DreamWorks’ Jeffrey Katzenberg. (Matthew McConaughy, Shirley MacLaine, and Will Ferrell showed up on video.) Here are the most common themes that came up throughout the roast, including Full House and guest Al Roker’s poop.

Full House

  • “Ah, Bob Saget — saggy Bob. You played such a pussy fart on the boob tube for like a thousand years; you’ve got your butthole rammed with ABC cash for far too long, my friend! And no amount of gigs and titties and butthole jokes can erase that!” —Jack Black
  • “Anyone who’s seen Bob do stand-up knows it’s nothing like Full House. He played a sweet dad for Full House; he plays a terrible comedian for a half-full house.” —Sarah Silverman
  • “[To Bob Saget] It’s kind of nice to have your attention because usually I have to have my finger in your ass. I think I was like 7 when Full House premiered, and every Friday night, you’d come into my living room, and every Friday night, my parents would find out and call the cops. So uncomfortable. At least John Stamos gave me candy! Unbelievable.” —Carrie Keagan
  • “The show Full House broke a lot of ground. Not even today does a network do a show about three closeted gay men.” —Artie Lange

Al Roker’s Poop

  • “Al Roker is here. Jack Black is actually more black than Al Roker. Truth is, Al is not really black, but his underpants are. Because I heard on the news that he one time shit his pants, and I’m sure no one else is going to mention that tonight.” —Bob Saget
  • “Is Amy back from the bathroom? [She runs back.] Okay, good. You could have gone right in Al Roker’s pants. I mean, he’s right there. Just hold them up, and it’s like Santa Claus — you just crap in his lap.” —Bob Saget
  • “Kyle Gass and Jack Black — amazing musicians — and Bob already touched on this, but instead of Tenacious D, they were going to call themselves Black Gass, but that was already taken by Al Roker’s pants. I know, I know, these Roker jokes have already jumped the shart.” —Sarah Silverman

Blow Jobs, Anal Sex, and STDs

  • “Our first roaster of the evening is a friend of mine, Sarah Silverman, who just moments ago to get a voice-over in Aladdin III, Sarah gave Jeffrey Katzenberg a blow job. You got to hand it to Sarah, because she doesn’t want to take it out by herself. You got to hand it to her. Your dick. You got to give it to her, for her to blow you, like she did for Jeffrey Katzenberg. She says ‘Carpet, fly!’ and his little penis jumps out. This is the first time I’ve seen Sarah sitting at a table with comedians instead of jerking them off under it.” —Bob Saget
  • “Jack, your incredible performance in High Fidelity blew everybody away, as did your astonishing performance a couple years later in School of Rock, where you continued blowing everyone away … to the point where all the parents of the young boys in the film issued a restraining order against you. I’m not saying you were a pedophile, I’m reading it.” —Bob Saget
  • “I worked with Jack on the movie School of Rock, and being on that set with him, thank you, being on that set with Jack changed my life forever, because you can’t get rid of anal warts.” —Sarah Silverman
  • “Speaking of asshole and armpits, Amy Schumer is here. Her new show is called Inside Amy Schumer, which is brilliant; it’s got a double meaning, like inside her head, and sexually, like inside her filthy asshole. She’s great. Her last special took a lot of balls, just like her face.” —Sarah Silverman
  • “Carrie Keagan is here for some reason! Congrats on your tits, I guess. A lot of you might not know who she is, but I looked her up on IMDb, and it turns out, it really doesn’t matter. But you’re a great host … of HPV.” —Amy Schumer
  • “We are all here for one reason only, and that is to try and fuck Debbie Harry. Sorry, Deborah Harry, she changed her name so we’d forget about all the dick she sucked in the CBGBs bathroom.” —Amy Schumer
  • “Hey, Sarah, congrats on the success of your movie Wreck-It Ralph. “Wreck it, Ralph” is also what Sarah told the director to do to her pussy to get the part in the movie.” —Jeff Ross
  • “[To Amy Schumer.] It’s good that you’re sitting next to Gene Simmons. He can tell you exactly how much makeup it takes to cover up a herpes sore.” —Artie Lange
  • “Richard Marx, I was going to call you Dick Marx for short, but I didn’t want anybody to think I was talking about Amy Schumer’s forehead. She has dick marks on it.” —Jeff Ross

Jack Black’s Man-Boobs

  • “Jack is so fat, his last movie was shot by Google Earth. He went on Jenny Craig, she suffocated to death. John Mayer wrote one of his most famous songs about Jack Black: “Your Body Needs a Wonderbra.” Unlike most comedians, Jack is not starved for attention — just onion rings.” —Sarah Silverman
  • “I first met Jack on a really marvelous movie that a whole lot of you did not see called Year One. I played the high priest of Sodom … I thought it would be really appropriate for me to have a big dangling set of hairy man-boobs. I went down there for a consultation with the prosthetics guy, and we were in the trailer, and we were stumped, we were stumped because I’m sort of flat. And what do you know, Jack Black, who was two chairs away, and he stands up and he says, ‘Take mine!’ … So we open up his Year One robe and look at his rack and they were fucking awesome. We slapped the tit mold on him right then and there … And that’s why we’re all here, because Jack Black would give you the shirt off of his back and the tits off of his front.” —Oliver Platt

Full House Had a Moment at the Jack Black Roast