My Zombies, by Alex Pearson

There is one thing I should make clear about my zombie movie: My zombies are different.

My zombies do not stagger around at a snail’s pace. My zombies do not run around like Olympic-caliber sprinters either. My zombies won’t even bother challenging the International Olympic Committee’s decision to bar zombies from competition because my zombies know they wouldn’t qualify anyway. My zombies are realists whose interests are better served by focusing on more pressing issues in their communities. My zombies move around by skipping, but in a threatening way. And yes, my zombies can swim, but no, not the butterfly.

My zombies are not constantly groaning incomprehensibly. My zombies are stealthy and silent predators, unless my zombies are completely sure no one else is around, and then my zombies can let loose and groan incomprehensibly. My zombies are really insecure about how they sound.

My zombies are not mindless, impulsive monsters. My zombies won’t just attack anything that moves. My zombies wait and stalk their prey methodically. My zombies may plot and scheme for days, months, or even years before attacking. My zombies are very patient. Most of my zombies die from starvation.

My zombies are not emotionless corpses. My zombies are just aloof.

My zombies are not insatiable man-eaters. My zombies eat their fill and save the rest for later. My zombies do eat humans, but it is a thoughtful and practical endeavor. My zombies will try to eat only legumes, but my zombies can’t stick with it and always end up going back to humans. My zombies will use utensils if they are readily available, but my zombies do not use different types of forks correctly. My zombies are never going to get the hang of chopsticks.

My zombies are never distracted. My zombies never sleep. My zombies only attack people because my zombies are so cranky from their insomnia.

My zombies are practically unstoppable. You might as well not waste bullets on my zombies. And you might as well not waste your money on bullets for my zombies. My zombies must be bribed.

My zombies do not rely on clichéd, easy scare tactics. My zombies don’t jump out of dark corners for cheap screams, nor do they indulge in extremely graphic gore just to be shocking. My zombies are much more subtle in their methods of terror. My zombies never show up in my movie.

Alex Pearson is a writer from North Carolina. So if Alex Pearson from South Carolina says that he wrote this, he’s lying.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.

My Zombies, by Alex Pearson