fantasy texts

Revealed: Amanda Bynes’s Texts to Reese Witherspoon During Her Arrest

Reese Witherspoon’s stubborn, mouthy resistance to the Atlanta cops who pulled her husband, agent Jim Toth, over for a DUI early Friday morning — and her subsequent penitence over her back talk — has been well documented. However, Vulture has discovered that alcohol wasn’t the only negative influence Witherspoon was under the night of her arrest for disorderly conduct. This transcript of her conversation with Toth, “taken” from Atlanta detention center security-cam footage from after the arrest, reveals what else might have been egging her on.

[Transcript from security-camera footage at the Atlanta City Detention Center, 6:37 a.m.]

WITHERSPOON: So we just have to wait until then?

TOTH: Well, we can’t leave until they can release us into, I guess, someone’s custody.

WITHERSPOON: Christ. This is all so embarrassing.

TOTH: I know. I know. I’m sorry.

[Witherspoon scrolls through phone.]


TOTH: What?

WITHERSPOON: I … I have, like, 50 text messages from Amanda Bynes.

TOTH: What?

WITHERSPOON: How the hell did she get my number? There’s like a hundred of these. Look.

TOTH: Wow. [Quiet moment as he scrolls through phone.] Look at these. “Regret nothing bc tomorrow never dies.” “fuck the haters you are a warrior and the world is your sword. #istayme247.

WITHERSPOON: I — she knows texting isn’t the same as Twitter, right? Hashtags don’t really apply here.

TOTH: There are so many more of these … “girl ask him if he is even a real cop. they have to tell u if theyre not a real cop. i bet hes just some sick fuck who gets off on pulling people over. ask him.” Were you guys actually texting while this was going on?

WITHERSPOON: I don’t … I don’t think so. Oh my God, what was in those drinks?

TOTH: Then she says, “hes prolly not a real cop. you’re an AMERICAN reese. like from the us. States. he cant make you sit in a car like he’s the constitution. Tell hm you can stand on American ground.” Reese, wait a second.


TOTH: You actually said that to the cop.


TOTH: “I’m allowed to stand on American ground.” You were taking her advice?

WITHERSPOON: Give me the phone. [She snatches it back and starts reading.] “He asked ur name? he doesn’t know? Who is this guy? Tell him he’s about to find out who u r.”

TOTH: You said that too.

WITHERSPOON: I don’t — I don’t remember that … “hahaha reese tell him that This Means War ok. tell him that.” “tell him hes making ur life UNPLEASANTVILLE.” “‘Reese tell him ur LEGALLY blonde tho” “tell them they cant make u walk the line just bc u were in walk the line. was wakeen a good kisser.” “ahah tell him its more like vanity UNfair.”

TOTH: Did she have your IMDb page open?

WITHERSPOON: Then there are … there are nine missed calls and then “sorry i tried calling u but my phone’s weird right now so i was calling u with google voice so it was from like a weird number in sacramento sry.” “love u too bitch. im getting a pic of ur face from election pressed onto my nail design like right now.” “tell him this is bullshit. tell him this is like water for elephants. it’s like WATER for ELEPHANTS.” “oh my god u were in friends i totally forgot that haha. remember? when u played rachel’s sister remember friends?”

[Cell phone rings.]

WITHERSPOON: Oh my God, that’s her calling.

TOTH [Grabs phone out of her hand and hurls it against wall.] Reese. Reese. Pull yourself together. Forget it. We’ll get a new phone, a new number, we’ll make a new plan. I can have Legally Blonde 3 in the works by Tuesday.


TOTH: I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

Mallory Ortberg is a Bay Area writer who is really good at making up celebrity interactions with Amanda Bynes. You know, like this one.

Secret Witherspoon–Amanda Bynes Texts Revealed!