he's got jokes

What If Spock Were a Stand-up Comedian?

This past weekend, Spock was back for more Star Trekking. Once again, when characters attempted to tell jokes or make quips, he was confused by their logic, or, in most cases, lack thereof. However, it’s not because Spock doesn’t have a sense of humor — Spock’s just takes his comedy very seriously. So seriously that between missions, he tries his hand at stand-up comedy. Here is a transcript from a recent performance. 

Greetings, I am Spock, first commander of the USS Enterprise.

Looking at me, I know what you’re thinking: When did Sarek from Vulcan and Amanda Grayson from Earth have a baby? 
Twenty-seven years, two months, seven hours, twelve minutes, and 44 seconds ago. Sorry, 45 seconds. 46 seconds. 47 seconds.

I just flew in from Pluto, and boy did it take 36.42 seconds.

It was hot today.
How hot was it!?
So hot that the onboard temperature gauge read 35 degrees Celsius.

A rabbi, priest, and a minister walk into a bar …
They each have three to four drinks, as that is the average for human males.

An alien animal comparable to Earth’s horse walks into a bar …
The owner helps guide it out, because it would be highly against health code 10.4 for it to remain in the bar.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am Spock, first commander of the USS Enterprise.
Spock, who?
I have just informed you of that information and it appears you have heard me, as you have repeated my name. I would like to enter this door now.

How many Enterprise crew members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, as Federation ship maintenance protocol clearly states.

Hello? Hello? [taps microphone] Is this thing on? Because I hear ambient amplification of my own voice but I do not hear the sound of laughter. Therefore there are two logical conclusions: 1) The people in this audience do not speak English. 2) The people in this audience do not find me amusing. The fact that someone is now yelling, “You suck,” an English epithet, with no accent, debunks theory number one, leaving me to conclude there is some sort of amusement disconnect.

Miss, please refrain from speaking. I do not come to your place of employment and knock the human male genitalia out of your mouth. That would be a self-defeating act as it would impede the efficiency of your performance, which would put you at risk of termination from your male-genitalia-mouthing job, thereby eliminating your paycheck and your disposable income. Thus you would no longer be able to patronize this comedy club, thereby weakening its business model and, in turn, creating a great impediment to my standing-up comedy career.

I will continue telling jokes now.

Human woman, am I correct? Take my girlfriend. Seriously, please take her to her advanced Klingon linguistics class. As the last mission proved, that information will be of use to the Enterprise.

Have you ever noticed how white humans have a greater concentration of Pheomelanin in their skin, whereas black humans have a greater concentration of Eumelanin?

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because after careful analysis, he determined his current side was far inferior to the one across the road.

Thank you. I am Spock, first commander of the USS Enterprise. I’ll be here for the portion of the week in which I am performing. Enjoy the meat of a young cattle. It would be highly illogical to forget to tip your waitresses, as they’ve provided a service that is performed with the expectation of gratuity. Laugh long and prosper.

What If Spock Were a Stand-up Comedian?