Photo: Mary Evans/20TH CENTURY FOX/Ronald Grant/Everett Collection and Universal/courtesy Everett Collection
This weekend, Man of Steel opened to $125 million with Superman fighting General Zod, the rebooted villain from 1980’s Superman II. Meanwhile, Star Trek Into Darkness has done quite well by bringing back the bad guy from the original Star Trek movie franchise’s second installment, 1982’s The Wrath of Khan. Hollywood is a big fan of extracting incredibly reductive lessons from success, and so the very literal take-home from this summer is likely to be: Bring back more villains from the part twos of eighties franchises! So aside from Zod n’ Khan, what other Reagan-Bush baddies can be resurrected, what should the new-millennium take be, and who should play them? Click on to find out! (And a cautionary side note: Do not start singing “Zod n’ Khan” in the style of “Chaka Khan” from the era-appropriate song “I Feel for You,” because then you’ll be doing it all day.)
ORIGINAL VILLIAN: A heart-yanking priest, played by the late Amrish Puri.
REBOOT CONCEPT: Ram is a black-market organ-salesman known for his D.I.Y. surgical methods.
POSSIBLE TAGLINE: “He’s gone from Indy to kidney!”
SUGGESTED CASTING: Tony Shalhoub
ORIGINAL VILLIAN: A scheming jewel thief (Charles Grodin) who attempts to pork Miss Piggy.
REBOOT CONCEPT: Nicky rounds up a literally rag-tagged group of cast-aside Muppets — including Clifford and Johnny Fiama — to help him rob Jason Segel’s puppet-strewn Hollywood Hills bachelor pad.
POSSIBLE TAGLINE: “His fury will be felt!”
SUGGESTED CASTING: Only Grodin can do Grodin.
Photo: Copyright ? ?Universal/courtesy Everett / Everett Collection
ORIGINAL VILLIAN: An ornery, aged demon turned preacher (Julian Beck) who harasses the Freeling family.
REBOOT CONCEPT: Kane continues to terrorize the Freelings, though this time, it’s through constant drop-ins in which he asks that they show him how to fix his Jitterbug.
POSSIBLE TAGLINE: “He’s the original grumpy old man!”
SUGGESTED CASTING: Statler and/or Waldorf.
ORIGINAL VILLIAN: The Mahoney-hating cop (Art Metrano) with an eye on taking over the entire police force.
REBOOT CONCEPT: Now the head of the force, Mauser finds his days filled with wrist-cramping paperwork, drab community-relations meetings, and hours of pointless bureaucratic drudgery. Blinded by greed and betrayed by his own ambitions, he spends his days as a stomping, stooped automaton, wandering through a 24/7 prison of his own soul-sucked design and surrounded by fart-pranking dimwits. “Do I dive into my work?” he asks himself one night, suggestively stroking the nickel-plated revolver he’d labored so hard to earn. “Or does the work dive into me?”
POSSIBLE TAGLINE: “They’re back! And they’ve copped an all-new ’tude!”
SUGGESTED CASTING: Patton Oswalt
Photo: Copyright ? ?Warner Bros/courtesy Everett Collection / Everett Collection
ORIGINAL VILLAIN: An eighties-lady bank-thief and shooting-gallery manager (Brigitte Nielsen).
REBOOT CONCEPT: Her finances ruined by restrictive new gun laws, Fry plots to steal a shipment of vintage shoulder-pads from a Nasty Gal warehouse.
POSSIBLE TAGLINE: “She’ll give you a shoulder … to die on!”
SUGGESTED CASTING: Megan Fox
ORIGINAL VILLIAN: The time-traveling thug (Thomas F. Wilson) who uses a sports almanac to claim some Future winnings.
REBOOT CONCEPT: Old Biff moves to Palo Alto in the late nineties and becomes an angel investor in Google, Facebook, and Butthead.org.
POSSIBLE TAGLINE: “Bully for him!”
SUGGESTED CASTING: Channing Tatum
Photo: Universal Pictures/?1989
ORIGINAL VILLIAN: A murderous, racist, drug-running South African diplomat (Joss Ackland).
REBOOT CONCEPT: Ackland’s criminal enterprises are constantly foiled by Wikileaks, which releases his most damning international cables (e.g., “How do I run drugs? Pls help. P.S. I am so racist!”).
POSSIBLE TAGLINE: “He’s through being diplomatic!”
SUGGESTED CASTING: Michael Gambon
ORIGINAL VILLIAN: A seventeenth-century sorcerer (Wilhelm von Homburg) living in a magical painting, responsible for a flood of slime.
REBOOT CONCEPT: Vigo is reincarnated as a hilariously chintzy animated GIF, responsible for a flood of web traffic.
POSSIBLE TAGLINE: “2 hot 2 handle/2 cold 2 hold! lol!”
SUGGESTED CASTING: Uwe Boll
ORIGINAL VILLIAN: A former Special Forces bigwig who uses his resources and wits to take over an airplane (Willam Sadler).
REBOOT CONCEPT: Stuart is a former TSA bigwig who uses his resources and wits to take over a Delta SkyLounge.
POSSIBLE TAGLINE: “We’ve made way too many Die Hard movies!”
SUGGESTED CASTING: Will Forte
Photo: Rights Managed/Photo by: Mary Evans
ORIGINAL VILLIAN: A developer (Peter MacLean) who terrorizes the local kids by threatening to bulldoze a community center and replace it with a mall.
REBOOT CONCEPT: Douglas terrorizes the local kids by threatening to bulldoze a mall and replace it with a community center.
POSSIBLE TAGLINE: “Boogalookout!”
SUGGESTED CASTING: Ray Wise