wishful thinking

Five Ways to Make a Candy Crush Movie

If you are reading this post, then we will assume that you do not know about Candy Crush, because if you did know about Candy Crush, then you would be playing it. Right now. Forever. Candy Crush, a match-three game with notes of Bejeweled, has been the phone-game rage for months, and we assume that it’s only a matter of time before Hollywood starts trying to adapt apps. So we wrote the movie treatments for them. Here are five totally plausible, Oscar-guaranteed ideas for Candy Crush: The Movie. You can read them while you wait for a new life.

Like Real Steel, But With Candy
In the year 2024, human boxers have been replaced by special strains of genetically enhanced candy who compete in the world’s greatest sugar-based sport: Candy Crush. Hank is an aging candy-coach looking to get back in the game; his estranged son, Sebastian, has a passion for junk food. Together, they create the perfect fighting sugar machine: a chocolate sprinkle doughnut who can destroy any candy that comes its way. Together, Hank and Sebastian make it all the way to level 410. A feel-good story for all ages!

Like Jumanji, But With Candy
You ever play enough Tetris back in the day that the meatspace world started to look like blocks? You ever play enough Candy Crush that you’re like, uh, is this game starting to affect my actual life? It’s those two sensations — plus danger. A random group of strangers on a subway car clear all the jelly at the same instant, activating the curse of the ancient candy witch: All the world will know the crush of candies. Giant, menacing sweets suddenly appear all over the city, until one brave and bearded Robin Williams shows up, brandishing an enormous lollipop. Through his survival skills, and the quick thinking of devoted citizens around him, the candy gets corralled together into one massive crush, where they then chain-reaction themselves away, back to candy world.

Like Supersize Me, But With Candy
To explore the dark underbelly of both gaming and sugar culture, a young documentarian commits to 30 days of the Candy Crush life. She can only play Candy crush; she can only eat candy. This means no work, no vegetables, and no social interactions with humans (other than to beg them for more lives on Facebook). Spoiler: She has a nervous breakdown around level 342, and government restrictions on both candy and Candy Crush consumption fly through Congress and are immediately signed by the president. Thanks a lot, Candy Crush lady.

Like Think Like a Man, But With Candy
The best part of Think Like a Man is that it’s a movie about people reading Steve Harvey’s love-advice self-help book. That’s like if The Great Gatsby was set in a tenth-grade English class. Anyway, Think Like a Candy is about an ambitious young woman, a Candy Crush expert and aspiring chocolatier. But she lives by the adage that opposites attract — which means she keeps dating guys who are just wrong for her. Finally, inspired by the birds-of-a-feather style of Candy Crush, she decides to seek out someone more her speed, more her style, more her brand of sweetness.

Like Rock of Ages, But With Songs About Candy
“I don’t think you’re ready / to clear this jelly.” “I want sex and / candy crush.” “I’m not a player, I just candy crush a lot.” “Iiiiiii want candy crush.” Even if there’s a background story, who would even care?

Five Ways to Make a Candy Crush Movie