Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we’ll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) is a stand-up comedian, as well as a contributor to someecards. She was also cool enough to talk about a few of her funniest tweets.
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“This actually happened. I’m a very powerful man.”
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“This references when Limp Bizkit announced they broke up, but is also what happens every Tuesday when they compete in a whopper eating contest. Also, this was before the whole Burger King horse meat controversy, but after finding out Smash Mouth works there, it’s not surprising to learn they use horse meat.”
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“Remember when TMZ reported that Lil Wayne died, but he didn’t?! It was actually the most accurate news reporting TMZ has ever done. Remember kids, cough syrup is for one thing only - helping you fall asleep when the world feels ‘heavy’. We’re all doing fine.”
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“This is the most honest thing I have ever said. You know why hors d’oeuvres are a little bit bigger than one bite? So you can stuff the whole thing in your mouth, and that way you can’t talk and say embarrassing things that you’ll think about for the next 3 to 4 weeks.”
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“This was when Chick-fil-A announced to everyone that they were bigots. And we were all like “let’s not eat there. let’s only eat at places that use extremely processed and genetically modified food and treat their employees bad but have socially acceptable points of view” and we were all like, ‘yeah!’ for a week.”
Jets fans were “yeah!” when their team cut Tim Tebow.
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As we saw above, Michelle is very familiar with all things royalty.
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This was seven “Justin Bieber is a ridiculous, possibly insane human being” news stories ago.
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Michelle has possibly signed away her rights to her first born to Apple without realizing it.
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Wolf doesn’t schedule an appointment with one of their geniuses during awards night.
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Okay she definitely signed away her rights.
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She enjoys some wine at night.
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Wolf knows that Egg McMuffins taste a lot better if you have one at 10:31 in the morning.
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And how to lose weight on a modest lunch budget.
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Michelle has found Facebook to be a bit predictable.
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Time is unkind to us all.
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She has the world’s most depressing sitcom to pitch.
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Would it be terrible if there was always a Friends tweet in the Follow Friday column every week?
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Michelle tweeted what we were all thinking about yesterday’s NSA story.
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Wolf has some bad news for Game of Thrones fans.
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She finds one gender more trustworthy than the other.
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Michelle urges you not to text while driving, since you have to focus on other things.
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You need to conserve your battery power anyway (unless you want TMZ to report you dead).
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