Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we’ll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) writes for the Yahoo show Losing It with John Stamos and the UCB sketch team Onassis. Mike is also a kind gentleman who elaborated on a few of his funniest tweets.
Tapped a man on the shoulder to say “Dont you just love her” but apparently not everyone with earbuds in is automatically listenin to Adele?— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) November 13, 2012
“In my head, Adele being amazing is just something we all universally agree on. Could you imagine a scenario where someone was like, “I don’t know; I just don’t care for her voice. Her voice sounds bad to me.” That person would be a monster.”
Do not ask somebody if she’s Wendy the Snapple Lady unless you are 100000% positive it’s her.— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) June 2, 2013
“This should just be common sense.”
Dear @HBO after exposing me to furries on Real Sex when I was 10 and ruining me sexually, I think I’ve earned another season of Enlightened.— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) February 27, 2013
“Conservatively, I would guess Real Sex has been running on HBO for the past 5000 years. And this is not an easy show to masturbate to. Granted, I’ve always powered through and found a way but it’s still not great. Enlightened WAS great but only ran for 18 episodes.”
Before you waste your time, 911 does not know how Superman shaves either.— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) June 13, 2013
“This was just the least interesting question I’ve ever seen on a subway billboard. But if you really give a shit, here’s the answer.”
My mom just texted to ask if I’d heard about Toy Story 4 and I told her this one has a dildo voiced by Gilbert Gottfried. Please play along.— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) February 19, 2013
“Toy Story is 18 now. It makes sense Andy would start playing with more adult toys. Mom also thinks Richard Kind will be playing some Ben Wa Balls.”
It’s not like Mike hasn’t done anything patently worse than that.
UGH!! I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA DIE SO I STARTED MASTURBATING IN THE OFFICE!! IS ANYONE HIRING?!— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) August 23, 2011
Maybe Scollins wants to start over.
Oh my god Beyonce’s pregnant again and I hope she has a boy this time and I hope it’s me.— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) May 14, 2013
Be the favorite child.
“I know a star I’d like to hang…” Solange silently mused while everyone watched Beyonce top the family tree for the 30th year in a row.— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) December 12, 2012
Move to another country.
Kate Middleton gives birth to healthy 8 pound baby which in US dollars is like $12.75.— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) December 3, 2012
Be as liked as homework is disliked.
Teachers in Tennessee now have to inform parents if they overhear someone’s gay. I just hope Homework’s parents are ready to deal with this.— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) January 30, 2013
Convince his parents to get a pool.
Ohio’s that invisible kid in middle school that one day got a pool.— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) November 6, 2012
Too late - Mike is on heroin again.
“I dunno. Sorta feels like getting a bunch of retweets?” – easy way to get me to try needle drugs— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) February 12, 2013
If only he took up an innocuous habit like cigarettes.
I bet everything worked out really nicely for that girl in Grease who started smoking to keep her boyfriend.— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) December 11, 2012
Mike is depressed.
March 1st! Heads up if you’re sad right now it’s no longer seasonal depression it’s just the regular kind.— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) March 1, 2013
He had that dream again.
Had that nightmare again where I’m standing in front of a huge crowd wearing a t-shirt with a pun on it.— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) June 2, 2013
Someone left a nasty message on his refrigerator.
Yes, people with Magnetic Poetry on their fridge are terrible but at least they’ve given us a convenient way to tell them.— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) April 28, 2013
His favorite restaurant was closed for health violations.
At what point making Forrest Gump, a film about a slow kid whose friend is molested by her father, did someone suggest a spinoff restaurant?— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) October 6, 2012
Scollins still doesn’t envy Nick Cannon.
Imagine the shitstorm on Christmas if Nick Cannon took Mariah Carey at her word.— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) December 13, 2012
Or Reese Witherspoon.
Anne Hathaway just read about Reese Witherspoon and said “It came true.”— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) April 22, 2013
Scollins earned a major victory.
Just visited the boarded up Blockbuster in my hometown, 5000 days overdue copy of Wild Things in hand and whispered, “I win.”— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) February 12, 2013
Until he remembered where the late fee money was going to go.
A fun way to ruin someone’s night tonight is to remind them we’re really just counting down till when rent’s due.— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) December 31, 2012
Sometimes life is so crappy, you might as well just dance.
Just met someone who didn’t DJ on the side??— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) March 28, 2013