Follow Friday: @MikeScollins

Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we’ll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) writes for the Yahoo show Losing It with John Stamos and the UCB sketch team Onassis. Mike is also a kind gentleman who elaborated on a few of his funniest tweets.

“In my head, Adele being amazing is just something we all universally agree on. Could you imagine a scenario where someone was like, “I don’t know; I just don’t care for her voice. Her voice sounds bad to me.” That person would be a monster.”

“This should just be common sense.”

“Conservatively, I would guess Real Sex has been running on HBO for the past 5000 years. And this is not an easy show to masturbate to. Granted, I’ve always powered through and found a way but it’s still not great. Enlightened WAS great but only ran for 18 episodes.”

“This was just the least interesting question I’ve ever seen on a subway billboard. But if you really give a shit, here’s the answer.

“Toy Story is 18 now. It makes sense Andy would start playing with more adult toys. Mom also thinks Richard Kind will be playing some Ben Wa Balls.”

It’s not like Mike hasn’t done anything patently worse than that.

Maybe Scollins wants to start over.

Be the favorite child.

Move to another country.

Be as liked as homework is disliked.

Convince his parents to get a pool.

Too late - Mike is on heroin again.

If only he took up an innocuous habit like cigarettes.

Mike is depressed.

He had that dream again.

Someone left a nasty message on his refrigerator.

His favorite restaurant was closed for health violations.

Scollins still doesn’t envy Nick Cannon.

Or Reese Witherspoon.

Scollins earned a major victory.

Until he remembered where the late fee money was going to go.

Sometimes life is so crappy, you might as well just dance.

Follow Friday: @MikeScollins