Today, we are making Red Velvet Cupcakes with Creamy Vanilla Icing. This old family recipe was brought to America by my great-grammy Eleanor, who probably wouldn’t understand why you are still moping about Jeremy.
• 3 1/2 cups cake flour
• 3/4 cup unsalted butter, softened
• 1 laptop computer, for playing Pandora and refreshing his Facebook profile
• 6 tablespoons red food coloring
• 1 healthy sense of self-restraint (If self-restraint isn’t available, substitute deleting his number from your phone)
• 2 eggs (for cupcakes)
• 2 more eggs (for pondering how only the thinnest of shells protect our yolky, runny insides)
• 2 additional eggs (for pondering egging his dumb fucking car)
1) First, you are going to preheat the oven at 350ºF. Perfect. Just like that. See? You don’t need him. You’re a single girl, taking the city by storm and preheating left and right. Plenty of fish in the sea, and pretty soon, all of those fish will be knocking on your door and begging you to…eat them? That metaphor kind of got away from me.
2) Then, you need to sift the cake flour in a small bowl and slowly – look, I need you to stay focused. Yes, I know your Pandora station just started playing “Someone Like You.” And yes, I know that is a really weird coincidence, especially on 2 Chainz Radio. Fine, okay, sing along. We’re focusing on cupcakes right after this, though.
3) Oh God, please don’t cry. I knew the Adele song was a bad idea.
5) Are you all better? Okay. Deep breaths. So, you’re going to want to slowly mix in the butter and food coloring until it reaches a smooth consistency –
6) What? No, I highly doubt that “until it reaches a smooth consistency” is something he used to say to you all the time. What context could you ever be in where that would make sense? And you’re crying again. Great.
9) It’s just that…ugh. You wanted cupcakes.
11) Look, I didn’t want to say this, but Jeremy was kind of a douchebag. I tried to warn you when all he would talk about was how he used to play baseball like ten years ago, but you didn’t listen. Not even when he tried to convince you that open relationships were “cool and very European.” Not even when he went through his fedora phase. He said, and I quote, “I want to look like one of those dope mannequins in those Old Navy commercials.” You were dating someone who aspired to be a mannequin, Lindsey, a mannequin that smelled like cheap cologne and breathy Jason Mraz covers.
12) Okay, I’m sorry, maybe that was too much. I just – I know you’re in a bad place right now, but…what are you doing with your phone? No, I know for a fact you already beat Angry Birds. Oh my God, Lindsey, look me in the eyes and tell me you’re not passive-aggressively tweeting Drake lyrics. Give me the phone. Come on. Hand it over.
13) What the fuck, Lindsey? “Life’s about forgiveness and second chances so please forgive me for getting mad at you for cheating on me. #ijustcantquityou” I can’t… He’s clearly at fault here. What? Another tweet? “I took her for sushi, she wanted to fuck, so we took it to go, told them don’t even plate it.” Oh. Weird. Totally expected a different Drake song.
13) Whatever, all my other points still stand. Lindsey, listen to me, I’m only going to say this once. YOU WERE DATING THE LESSER GIAMBI BROTHER. IT’S OVER NOW. YOU WILL BE FINE WITHOUT HIM.
14) You know what? Screw it.
Fun, Practical Recipe For Someone Who Just Recently Went Through A Breakup!
1) Remove carton of Haagen-Daaz ice cream from freezer.
2) Eat directly from carton while repeating all the lines from Dear John as they happen.
Ben Gauthier is a high school student in York, Maine, where he is both an aspiring comedy writer and a professional apologizer.
The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.