Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we’ll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) is a writer for 2 Broke Girls and is a kind man who shed some light on some of his funniest tweets.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) November 25, 2012
“I recall feeling conflicted about posting this tweet because I have a lot of friends who are incredible improvisers and I don’t like to shit on passionate people. I struggled for many years and the last thing you need is another voice telling you you’re not gonna make it. Everyone got my meaning though, the jab was really at those who are able to pursue that life not because they’re toiling away at day jobs but because their parents float them. I’ve always resented those people.”
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) July 18, 2012
“This is straight out of my life, I was sitting on my couch in my underwear and texted a friend who was a half hour away that I’d ‘be right there.’ Everyone I know does this. Nobody is on time. I amped it up for comedic effect of course — my neighbors are lovely and I refuse to be nude.”
Sex with me is like INCEPTION. Long, confusing, needlessly complicated, but ultimately quite beautiful & worthy of major awards.— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) July 31, 2012
“I’ve always been sort of uneasy with casual sex and at the time I was dating a lot, so I guess this was my thinly veiled way of saying ‘It’s gonna be a little weird at first, but if/when I get comfortable with you, you best believe that I’ll deliver that Leo DiCaprio heat in the bedroom. Or at the very least that Joe Gordon-Levitt heat.’”
If I lived in Vatican City, I’d walk around noisily eating a bag of Sun Chips asking everybody “Wait, what’s going on?”— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) March 13, 2013
“I wrote this the day the new Pope was…inducted? Inaugurated? Whatever. I was basically taking a shot at myself for how uninformed I am. I’m always the guy at my job who’s like ‘Wait, WHAT’S happening in Iraq? Some sort of skirmish?’ I rarely do ‘current events’ tweets unless I have a weird personal take on it because there are so many others who do smart political humor better than I ever could. I prefer to tweet about my dick. I know my dick better than anyone.”
Hugh Jackman…makes robots fight…to earn the love of his…son? Sorry, I don’t have a pitch prepared. Wait, you want to make it?!?— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) September 28, 2011
“This was one of my first tweets. I saw the trailer for REAL STEEL and l and just couldn’t believe a movie with that plot was being made. I thought ‘How do you pitch that and not get laughed out of the room?’ Then I thought it’d be funny if the writer doing the pitch admitted he was just winging it and even HE was shocked that they liked it. Hard to convey in 140 characters and I didn’t know if people would get it but I remember being really psyched when they did. I eventually saw the movie and you know what? Not bad!”
Seinfeld was notoriously a harder sell to executives.
Never really liked SEINFELD, huh? (throws hot soup into date’s face, sprints from restaurant, tosses cell phone into ocean)— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) June 23, 2012
Anyway, Patrick is not a picky eater.
Bring the cash to the mall food court or I kill your son. I’ll be at Panda Express. No, Steak Escape. Ooo…Sbarro! Lemme call you back.— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) December 31, 2012
He is very patient.
I now pronounce you man and…oh you’re both looking at your iPhones. I’ll wait.— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) September 21, 2012
Walsh doesn’t invest in air conditioning.
My apartment is so hot John Mayer just lazily fingered it while yawning.— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) August 30, 2012
It makes things even more uncomfortable for his wife.
10 years ago today I married my best friend. My wife was furious.— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) October 7, 2012
He’s had a long history of bad relationships.
Jesus Christ, did I date Adobe Reader at some point?— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) January 16, 2013
It might be Patrick’s fault.
I roll up in the Pizza Hut with my dick out and scream “Where my meat lovers at?!” An elderly Asian man raises his hand and we marry.— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) December 30, 2012
At least he’s clear on his stance on children.
There are unhealthier relationships.
Harrison Ford seems like the kind of dude who wouldn’t speak to his wife for days if she beat him at putt-putt.— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) July 30, 2011
Walsh doesn’t want to deal with parenting high schoolers.
Nice Gandhi quote on Facebook, girl who routinely used the “N word” in high school.— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) November 21, 2012
They love their parties.
Off to a party but I’m scared as I’ve heard west coast parties don’t stop and I have plans Sunday.— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) June 9, 2012
Patrick writes copy for Coke ads in his spare time.
I throw you onto the bed and rip your blouse open. You’re mad. The blouse was a gift, and rather expensive. We quietly split a Coke.— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) January 3, 2013
And vehicles for Gerard Butler.
I just muttered a terrible movie idea to myself and Gerard Butler appeared next to me on the couch in full costume ready to star in it.— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) March 19, 2013
AIR BUD: WE’VE RUN OUT OF DOG PUNS FOR OUR TITLES BUT LOOK - IT’S AN ANIMAL PLAYING A SPORT, YOU’RE EITHER IN OR YOU’RE OUT— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) March 23, 2013
Walsh might consider lowering the alcohol consumption.
“You there, boy! What day is this?” - Ebenezer Scrooge or me any morning when I drank the night before— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) December 24, 2012
Or maybe he should just eat more when he drinks.
When someone says “You know who you look like?” I prepare to not eat for 3 days.— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) June 25, 2013
Whatever gets you through the night.
I use a white noise machine to sleep & when I turn it on I say “Make some noiiiiise!” Some nights it’s funny, some nights deeply sad.— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) October 25, 2012