Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we’ll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal), is a writer and stand-up comedian who took the time to talk about the possibly true stories behind some of her funniest tweets.
A Barbara Walters special about “the royal baby” is on right now. America literally went to war to prevent shit like this from being on TV.— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) May 28, 2013
“When I turn my TV on, I want to see The Patty Duke Show. Or The People’s Court. Anything else incenses me. Especially when it involves lionizing the inbred future leader of a rapidly crumbling empire.”
The only people who care that I have a college degree are the college loan people.— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) August 24, 2012
“I once put my college diploma in a frame I bought at the dollar store. As soon as I hung it, it fell off the wall and broke. I threw the broken frame and worthless piece of paper into the closet, where it has suffered in purgatory for over two years. I have suffered, also in purgatory, directly outside said closet.”
Use a tea bag only once? What do I look like, an oil baron?— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) December 8, 2012
“I’m constantly toeing the line of financial desperation, which is probably why I have so much character. I recently submitted a writing packet to a late night show; in the CV attached I wrote, ‘My career objective is to make enough money to afford to live in an apartment that has more than one room in it. I believe writing for basic cable can help me achieve this humble goal.’”
BUMPER STICKER IDEA: Ask Me About My Narcissism— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) January 24, 2013
“The only thing people love more than talking about themselves is writing about themselves. She typed.”
HOT NEW INSULT: “Why don’t you fucking blog about it?”— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) July 13, 2012
“Al Gore invented the internet as a holding facility for the world’s indignation. Every day, someone shits a new blog out into the zeitgeist I’m told I should be violently incensed about. It’s exhausting, being this upset. But seriously…have you HEARD about this whole rape joke thing?!?”
Nope haven’t heard a thing. Anyway, it isn’t just the new blogs/websites that get Megan’s attention.
Every Yelp review should start, “First off, I have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about.”— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) August 26, 2012
Reading bumper stickers provokes reactions as well.
Question to the owner of the car with the “We can do better than abortion” bumper sticker: Are you proposing we invent a…super abortion?— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) July 12, 2011
Megan is more interested in being the one that is read.
BOOK IDEA: “The Girl With the Meaningless Tattoos.” Follows the life of a 23-year-old makeup artist who “loves music” and rockabilly culture— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) January 12, 2013
Because some books just aren’t very exciting.
“Meh.” - Atlas— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) October 10, 2011
It still beats television.
“Who watches this shit?” - Me, watching shit— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) March 7, 2013
Especially if you aren’t even looking at the screen.
Christmas: Traveling Absurd Distances to Watch Your Relatives Watch TV— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) December 24, 2012
But TV is where the real money is.
“Mmm…what fresh smell is this?” – Dorothy Parker, for Tide™— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) July 17, 2013
Fortunately for Koester, she’s inherited a fortune.
“How do I make my living? Well…y’know the expression, ‘Punk as fuck’? My great-grandad invented it.”— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) June 10, 2013
Megan knows what love is.
Love means never having to say “the anecdote you interrupted my anecdote to tell is tangentially related at best.”— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) September 26, 2012
And who she is.
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be “doesn’t understand directions.”— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) March 27, 2012
But it doesn’t help her self-esteem.
What I lack in self-confidence I make up for in nothing, absolutely nothing.— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) December 21, 2012
Koester knows how to get happy.
Turn that frown upside down! Hold a clinically depressed person by their ankles!— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) August 11, 2011
But crippling indecision always gets in the way of her bliss.
Can’t figure out if I should skate or die.— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) March 7, 2012
Megan isn’t as confused as some of her fellow stand-ups though.
“Women are awful. Why won’t they fuck me?” - Stand-up comedians— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) March 15, 2013
Megan likes to take chances.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Tweet like original thought still exists.— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) June 1, 2013
“YOLO!” - Someone about to make a horrible mistake— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) June 13, 2013
She has flashbacks of physical and psychological torture.
Limp Bizkit just played a Nirvana song, which is tantamount to your high school bully quoting Star Trek whilst beating the shit from you.— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) May 25, 2013
But don’t worry, Megan will be fine. She has a backup plan.
If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I can always just go fuck myself.— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) July 4, 2013