Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we’ll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Lauren McGuire (@ImLaurenMcGuire), is a sketch writer at the UCB and for John Moe’s Wits show. She was kind enough to take some time out of her day to give us some background info on some of her funniest tweets.
OH GOD I mixed up my day cream with my night cream and now my face doesn’t know what time it is!— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) January 20, 2013
“My boyfriend’s sister gave me a bunch of fancy face lotions for some holiday or another and I thought it was so funny that they make separate lotions for different times of the day, as if your face is going to know the difference. And when you look at the back labels, both products have the EXACT same ingredients. It’s just one of those weird marketing tricks they use to sell you twice as much shit. God forbid you use day lotion after 5pm and your whole face explodes off of your body.”
Oh my god water is just cloud juice— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) October 24, 2012
“I wrote this one right after I spent half my paycheck on an expensive juicer and the other half on 80 lbs of fruit. I was drinking down something real disgusting (probably some bullshit kale mixture) as I was watching it rain outside. Maybe it was the malnourishment from getting 80% of my daily calories from lukewarm juice soup, but the thought just hit me.”
My biggest accomplishment this year was probably breaking a wild stallion and riding it into space— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) December 30, 2012
“So many people on my Facebook feed are having babies or getting advanced law degrees. If you’re like me and you spend most of your time just sitting quietly or maybe taking a nap, I suggest padding your resume a little so you don’t feel like so much of a turd.”
When someone gets a touchdown, the opposing team should have to do a sad dance.— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) February 4, 2013
“This was the first year I ever watched the Super Bowl and I love love love the idea of people doing dances after they score. I can’t believe there are people out there who want to take that away from the players. More dancing, I say! A dance when it the ball goes out of bounds! A dance for a face-masking penalty! A dance for losing! Maybe even add a little shimmying while they’re playing!”
if a wild horse nuzzles your neck, you are legally obligated to write a young adult novel about it.— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) February 16, 2013
“Every single girl on the universe, at some point or another, has wished she could tame a wild stallion. Someone should do their sociology doctoral thesis on this phenomenon, because it is truly fascinating.”
Even if you can’t procure a horse, you can always dance like one.
The key to good dancing is to pretend you’re a horse— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) July 5, 2013
McGuire has possibly met plenty of other animal friends.
No matter whose bathroom I’m in, I always make sure to leave the door cracked open in case an animal wants to come in and entertain me.— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) January 7, 2013
All of Lauren’s furniture is finely crafted and was purchased at a reasonable price.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) February 6, 2013
They may not all be visible.
WHY ISN’T YOUR HOUSE FILLED WITH GARBAGE? ARE YOU A PRINCE?— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) December 7, 2012
Unless Obama starts to take her phone calls.
MR. PRESIDENT WHY CAN’T WE PUT ALL OUR TRASH INTO A VOLCANO?— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) January 8, 2013
McGuire has other country saving ideas.
IN CONCLUSION, not only would a Chipotle Burrito-based economy be fiscally wise, it would also be delicious.— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) January 15, 2013
That would make her rich.
My net worth is currently somewhere around 7 Chipotle Burritos.— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) June 6, 2013
As opposed maybe to now.
Oh yes it’s ladies night and the feeling’s right! Oh yes it’s ladies night, I earn 75% of what a man make for the same job!— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) July 12, 2013
Lauren can always find a different government in which to present her ideas.
Paying a 24 pack of brewskis. Cashier asks where the party is. “I am the party”, you say as you fly away on a rocket ship to planet cool.— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) July 8, 2013
It’s not like the Romneys can help her out.
Those poor Romney boys are going to have to go back to solving mysteries again.— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) November 7, 2012
McGuire isn’t the ideal viewing companion for a Pixar movie.
No one in Monsters University addresses the crippling student loan debt that undoubtedly hangs over the heads of all their monster graduates— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) July 1, 2013
Same goes for any animated feature.
The Little Mermaid gave us all very unrealistic expectations about how bangs look underwater.— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) August 21, 2013
There was a major no-show at Lauren’s most recent birthday party.
Just because Oprah hasn’t RSVPed to my rollerskating party tomorrow doesn’t mean I’m not going to live my best life.— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) January 5, 2013
But at least there was pizza.
Sadly, the Adult Mutant Ninja Turtles had found that eating only pizza for 45 years had affected their karate skills in a very untubular way— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) February 23, 2013
Not everyone was able to have it.
“Does anyone else smell burnt pizza?” asked Donatello right before having a stroke.— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) August 5, 2013
Maroon 5 might have played.
I can not tell the difference between Maroon Five and a Kid’s Bop song.— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) November 14, 2012
Lauren is looking pretty cool.
Your honor, I ask that you add to the record that I am wearing really cool sunglasses right now.— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) February 27, 2013
But not as cool as a certain former ballboy/rapper/dancer.
“It’s Hammer time,” MC Hammer whispered to himself as he quietly slipped into his long-deserved bubble bath.— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) April 24, 2013