Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we’ll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Jon Sender (@senderblock23) is a benevolent, humorous individual who was kind enough to fill us in on the stories behind some of his funniest tweets.
Eating fruity pebbles alone in bed, mouth agape, mumbling I’m a cereal killa. This isn’t helping me make friends.— jon sender (@senderblock23) March 28, 2011
“I’ve never sat in bed eating cereal. I’ve never eaten fruity pebbles. This joke was just an extension of my finding a small amount of humor in serial and cereal sounding identical. I didn’t think much of that tweet but then some famous person RTd it and it went viral. Do I appreciate that? Nope. Why? Because I’m garbage.”
HEY DON’T BE SCARED OF US EVEN THOUGH OUR MOUTHS ARE KNIVES. - birds— jon sender (@senderblock23) December 24, 2012
“The bird tweet comes from a very real place. My grandparents have a piece of sh*t parrot. When I was little it flew onto my wrist and proceeded to bite and shred one of my fingers. Ever since then I have hated birds. I wrote this particular tweet when visiting my grandparents last December. I wouldn’t go near their dining room table if they didn’t put their stupid bird in its stupid cage. They gave me light hearted crap about it, so this tweet was my way of venting. Like, you know what? F*ck your bird, grandma.”
Barnes: Let’s do drugs and kiss. Noble: Dude, what? Let’s sell books. Barnes: Yea okay. That’s a better idea.— jon sender (@senderblock23) January 10, 2013
“I always receive emails from Barnes and Noble because I’m too lazy to take myself off of most mailing lists. I was sitting in a coffee shop using their wifi when I saw several B&N emails. I felt annoyed. I then imaged Barnes and Noble as a couple that would bicker and annoy each other. The relationship between these two guys then developed in my mind and this tweet was the end result.”
Sorry I ate that corndog so slowly at your niece’s piano recital.— jon sender (@senderblock23) April 16, 2013
“The corndog tweet came to me while I was working kitchen duty for a community service job a few months back. We were having corndogs for lunch. My mind must have been in the gutter that day. The corndogs all looked like dongs on a stick. Then I just had to think of an inappropriate situation in which one would suggestively eat a corndog.”
I used to always ask my mom for things & she’d say “what’s the magic word” and I’d say “abracadabra” and she’d say “you’re why dad left.”— jon sender (@senderblock23) June 21, 2011
“I really did always used to ask my mom for things. I was one of those kids who didn’t understand when enough was enough. Using proper manners was one of the tricks I learned that at least helped my chances at getting whatever bullshit toy or basketball shoes I wanted that week. Saying ‘the magic word’ helped more than it hurt. As for the end of that joke, my dad certainly never left us but he never put up with my crap. I could say ‘please’$2 100 times and he would still stonewall me. The end of that joke just felt right.”
Jon might have a right to blame his parents for his troubles.
We-are-faaaamily. I’ve got all my genetically inherited anxiety & depression with me.— jon sender (@senderblock23) August 3, 2011
Or maybe not.
“What do you want to drink?” “Surprise me.” “You’re adopted.”— jon sender (@senderblock23) June 21, 2013
At least there are more dysfunctional families.
What do you suppose Hulk Hogan calls his actual brother?— jon sender (@senderblock23) July 27, 2013
His childhood has given Sender some intimacy issues.
I’m going to make some girl Really happy one day until I stop liking her and start phasing her out in a passive aggressive manner.— jon sender (@senderblock23) January 27, 2011
Jon is always too hungry to fully commit.
Even when our relationship was falling apart I was thinking Arbys.— jon sender (@senderblock23) August 8, 2013
Not even to clothes.
I have an on again off again relationship with clothing.— jon sender (@senderblock23) January 4, 2011
He even manages to upset toothpaste.
My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.— jon sender (@senderblock23) February 9, 2012
Jon is no fun.
It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. I’ve learned to hate fun because I want a super buff face.— jon sender (@senderblock23) June 10, 2011
The occasional knife-off aside.
You lose 100% of the knife fights you don’t start.— jon sender (@senderblock23) September 11, 2012
He has a few questions.
My questionnaire for dogs: 1. Do you like to get pet 2. Who is a good boy 3. Is it you— jon sender (@senderblock23) August 2, 2013
Like why Fox News uses flagrant false advertising.
I wish Fox News was just news about foxes.— jon sender (@senderblock23) February 27, 2013
Or why they report flat out lies.
Pot bellied pigs are gateway pigs to cocaine bellied pigs.— jon sender (@senderblock23) March 22, 2013
Jon is a bit of an English snob.
Actually it’s y’oure.— jon sender (@senderblock23) June 20, 2013
Like all English majors, he could use some money.
Help Me Financially, Rhonda— jon sender (@senderblock23) April 23, 2013
Until that Capri Sun money comes pouring in through the world’s thinnest straw.
Capri Sun juice drinks should release an adult beverage and call it Capri Moon I am a marketing genius next question— jon sender (@senderblock23) June 15, 2013
Sender’s degree in philosophy isn’t helping him much either.
Hey there’s a rumor going around that none of this matters— jon sender (@senderblock23) May 15, 2013
He’s as lost as the most elusive man in literature.
Maybe Waldo just needs time to find himself.— jon sender (@senderblock23) May 16, 2013