Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we’ll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Kate Berlant (@KateBerlant) is one of those stand-up comedians that you are told to watch out for in the best way possible. She was kind enough to elaborate (tersely, as is her style) on a few of her funniest tweets.
Ppl who respond “maybe attending” on FB events are haunted & enjoy the process of haunting others— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) March 21, 2013
“I tweeted this while immersed in my Facebook vulnerability trashcan.”
Being afraid of commitment is the new settling down— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) March 4, 2013
“This is a 2013 ‘dating tweet.’”
Is it punk to not text back the person you love?— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) May 17, 2013
“Wow! Another ‘dating tweet.’ I don’t do these that often, but when I do they tend to come in blocks (of calcified disappointment ;)!)
My emotional needs literally JUST changed— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) July 5, 2013
“This is me on Twitter reacting to my past while keeping a firm eye on the future.”
My mom just attacked me for having not played enough with a cat that’s been dead 11 years— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) June 4, 2013
“I like tweets that strive to be cinematic WHILE ALSO incorporating moms.”
Kate does in fact enjoy those types of tweets. For example:
“there are more Geminis in jail than any other sign” – my mom, with tears in her eyes— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) March 6, 2013
When I was a pre-teen my mom would often insist on taking me to visit Marilyn Monroe’s grave after school & it hasn’t affected me at all— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) May 12, 2013
Kate is resolute.
no tragedy, personal or national, could effect my birthday party— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) April 25, 2013
There’s a specific gift you can give her.
I want a choker made from Dakota Fanning’s baby teeth & your forgiveness— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) April 1, 2013
But she really truly has one big wish.
My passion project is trying not to pass away— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) September 19, 2012
Kate thinks about her mortality a lot.
My other car is a we’re all gonna die— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) August 6, 2012
There’s only one thing she isn’t confident about.
I’m afraid of what I want from a summer blockbuster— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) June 14, 2013
She is a witch.
Drew a perfect circle. Afraid of what I’ll do next.— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) March 27, 2013
And a trickster.
“i’d like you to meet your son” & then i hand u a picture of yourself it was u the whole time life is a mystery— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) January 2, 2013
And she is mad at you.
Shattered your People’s Choice Award in the alley where you were born— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) March 12, 2013
Kate is on a rampage.
I broke your wind chime out of fear— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) July 26, 2013
But she wishes you the best.
I’m so scared im going to accidentally RT my ex even tho he doesn’t have Twitter & I wish him the best— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) July 30, 2013
Berlant is withholding.
I refuse to define my relationship to jazz— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) March 5, 2013
Even in her suggestive dancing.
Can you be withholding as you twerk ?— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) March 19, 2013
Kate is making a smoothie.
Making a smoothie about loss— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) June 12, 2013
But there’s not going to be any muscle milk in it.
should i drink cake batter flavored muscle milk OR casually endorse genocide?— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) May 29, 2012
She didn’t believe in change.
my fave adolescent fantasy is the idea of change— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) June 24, 2013
But that changed.
Dying to openly discuss how I’ve changed— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) May 4, 2013
All you need to know is that Kate is doing the best she can.
Just whimpered “I’m doing the best that I can” while I anxiously searched for my cellphone charger— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) June 6, 2013