Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we’ll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Rob Whisman (@RobWhisman), is a humorous tweeter that was kind enough to revisit his past and reminisce on what he was thinking when he composed some of his funniest material.
woah did you know if u start metallica’s master of puppets exactly 1 min 21 sec into paul blart mall cop the girl i invited over will leave— rob whisman (@robwhisman) November 4, 2012
“This sort of happened, roles reversed, with my ex-girlfriend Stephanie actually. Except instead of Paul Blart: Mall Cop it was Erin Brockovich and instead of Metallica’s Master of Puppets it was her admitting she cheated with a guy named Brandon.”
[swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would— rob whisman (@robwhisman) February 21, 2013
“This was a late hat-toss in the great Hope Jobs Cash joke influx of 2012. If my memory serves me, I was checking out at a Wal Mart when I thought of this tweet. The tweet went on to reap over a thousand faves and a suspiciously backhanded retweet from Stephanie.”
sick of these pseudo “hipsters” in their abercrombie & fitch shirts who probly can’t even name one abercrombie & fitch album— rob whisman (@robwhisman) July 10, 2012
“I’m fairly certain I tweeted this in the bathroom at work. It was featured on Ellen once. You know who’s never been on Ellen? Pretty-boy Brandon, who I’ve most certainly never followed home and then peed in his mailbox.”
every time someone posts engagement photos on facebook i can’t help but hope that maybe some day i too will own a nice shirt— rob whisman (@robwhisman) April 28, 2013
“As an avid Facebooker, I’ve seen my share of engagement photos. Brandon and Stephanie, for example. Stephanie in a sundress. Brandon, a Nordstrom oxford button-down. Hands clasped on a decidedly vacant beachfront. Not arguing in a Waffle House parking lot because he may or may not have briefly gaped at a particularly attractive denizen who may or may not have been wearing a thong. Best wishes to Brandon and Stephanie, who may or may not tie the knot in May 2014.”
i am so confused by the ending of donnie darko. what the FUCK is a “key grip”— rob whisman (@robwhisman) March 3, 2013
“This is my personal favorite. It’s very concise. Hey, did you know an anagram of Donnie Darko is “dined on okra”? Stephanie loves okra. Loves okra, hates green beans. I know a lot of things about Stephanie, including her ATM pin. It’s 1833.”
True story: my sister’s name is Stephanie. And she’s engaged. And her pin number might very well be 1833. Very strange. And a little scary.
Anyway, maybe Rob should take his own advice.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”— rob whisman (@robwhisman) September 1, 2012
Play the field a little bit.
yo fellas how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls facebook picture last year play out— rob whisman (@robwhisman) May 29, 2013
Otherwise everything will just remind him of someone else.
this weather is so hot i wouldn’t be surprised if it told me what a great friend i am— rob whisman (@robwhisman) May 7, 2012
Admittedly, there is a bit of a general trust issue to be worked out.
hello @Wendys can you confirm store #1803 employee christine did in fact work tonight & could not hang out— rob whisman (@robwhisman) June 26, 2013
Maybe Rob needs to be less choosy.
a girl who asked me senior year of high school if you could get pregnant from swallowing semen starts her 1st day of student teaching today— rob whisman (@robwhisman) August 8, 2013
Or make more money.
thanks fictional character with 12 bedroom mansion RT @SirJayGatsby: Happiness comes from noticing and enjoying the little things in life.— rob whisman (@robwhisman) August 7, 2013
Find someone that shares his musical tastes.
i sure listen to a lot of wu tang clan for someone who cried during jim & pam’s wedding— rob whisman (@robwhisman) July 7, 2013
Rob certainly has strong opinions about contemporary music.
i’m ready for radioactive to be radio absent— rob whisman (@robwhisman) August 18, 2013
He also possesses knowledge on defaced clocks.
a broken clock is still right twice a day or all day if it has “mumford & sons is a shitty band” written on it— rob whisman (@robwhisman) April 29, 2013
As well as music history.
WAKA, IT’S MARVIN. YOUR COUSIN, MARVIN FLOCKA FLAME.— rob whisman (@robwhisman) June 2, 2012
With a few notable exceptions.
just realized tom petty was not singing about a girl named mary jane, but rather drugs. i think i am going to be sick— rob whisman (@robwhisman) April 30, 2013
Even though Rob has access to Wikipedia.
Ricky Dean Gervais is an English atheist                and comedian  best know for h— rob whisman (@robwhisman) March 31, 2013
As well as Twitter.
i’m arguing with a 13-year-old on twitter. i have relatives i haven’t called in over a year— rob whisman (@robwhisman) July 6, 2013
Instagram can also be dangerous.
URGENT: IF YOU INSTAGRAM YOUR BALLOT DO NOT USE 1977 FILTER OR YOU WILL CAST VOTE FOR CARTER/MONDALE— rob whisman (@robwhisman) November 6, 2012
But really, sometimes the most dangerous things are ourselves.
martin looper king conspiracists speculate mlk was in fact shot by his younger self— rob whisman (@robwhisman) January 21, 2013
Rob might have someone to blame for that.
big ups to god for mosquitoes good call on the mosquitoes you omnipresent dumb idiot— rob whisman (@robwhisman) August 10, 2013
Maybe you do too, no matter your religious affiliation.
i always say “happy holidays” just in case you celebrate toyotathon instead of honda days— rob whisman (@robwhisman) December 25, 2012
Only one individual seems to transcend such thought.
daniel day lewis is at the park right now. owner saying its dog but i know its daniel preparing for role as a dog. i am petting mr. lewis— rob whisman (@robwhisman) April 22, 2013