It’s Like, What Do I Do With This Kid? by Alex Schmidt

Hello! Earth to Kylie! This is your uncle speaking. He knows he’s not Justin Bieber or the “Gangnam Style” guy, but he’d like to think he’s at least a little “rad.”

Your mom left you with me for the day, and this isn’t “Uncool-Adult Jail.” We can do whatever we want! Come on, you wanna have something to eat? Or something to drink? Or kick around these doll heads?

If it’ll get you to make a peep you can go to town on these doll heads.

Hey I get it, okay? When I was 13, all I wanted to do was chase babes, and feather my hair, and listen to Cheap Trick. Course that was before I got tied down by a condo, and a full-time job, and a private aphrodisium.

Oh there you go, all up in your phone again. Probably Temple Running or Snapchatting or whatever it is kids do now. Whatever happened to the days of knowing your whole Hang Gang would give their full attention to nonstop partying and cosmic ululations?

And I know, you just want to be watching The Vampire Diaries or Jessie or Gravity Falls or whatever’s a hit show in 2013 with the tweenage girl demo. Thing is, we’re at T-minus eleven minutes till Pythius disinters. She’s a sweetheart once you get to know her and as long as you’re draped in the crimson vestment.

Well fine, I guess curling up in a ball is the new “eye roll.” I’m trying to meet you halfway here, but maybe it doesn’t matter how many hundreds of candles I light or how many dozens of prayers I chant to Yathäii.

I’ll go trace my emanations in the cupola. Alone. And I know, that’s for “old people,” but maybe “old people” is what I am, and what you’ll be before you know it.

Anyhow I’ll be upstairs. If my Sacri-Wife comes by, be sure to tell her you are not The Child Of Woe.

Alex Schmidt is a writer, GIF animator, and comedian in New York City, and in third grade he was President of these United States.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.

It’s Like, What Do I Do With This Kid? by Alex Schmidt