849 Valencia St.
San Francisco, CA
Sept. 1, 2013
Dear Mr. Lints:
We are writing to notify you that McSweeney’s will no longer be accepting any submissions you send for publication on their website, Quarterly magazine, Believer magazine, Wholphin (we don’t think you know what this is), or any other platforms of publication created in the past, present, or future. Accordingly, you are hereby directed to
CEASE AND DESIST ALL SUBMISSIONS TO MCSWEENEY’S
As understanding and appreciation of the website unfortunately cannot be determined based on the suffocating number of submissions you have tendered, we feel it is important to remind you (or perhaps inform you for the first time) that the company only accepts good writing. Quality writing. Stuff akin to The New Yorker’s “Shouts and Murmurs.” Even though it seems that any guy with facial hair, suppressed fart jokes, and Shakespeare imitation abilities can get published, they still need to have that special something. You do not. You need to understand this.
It is demanded that you immediately:
If you do not comply with the above demands, please be advised that McSweeney’s will pursue all creative and humiliating remedies, including posting of third grade yearbook photo, telling your neighbor what really poisoned his cat, releasing the purposes of your prescription ointments, renaming “sinus infections” “Jordan infections,” and a public reading of that poem you wrote in seventh grade. In addition, McSweeney’s is entitled to use your failure to comply as evidence of your complete inability to take a hint and is not above publishing a list of examples of past instances of said inability. Correspondingly, failure to meet the above demands will serve as another life failure and really, sweetie? Really?
If you or your mom have any questions, feel free to write them in birdseed across your lawn.
Every editor of McSweeney’s
Jordan Lints is a girl Jordan, she lives in (read: near) Chicago, and she can clearly get published elsewhere, so there! (This is where she would list those elsewheres, but outside of Punchnel’s, the other sites have died, so really, there’s nothing.)
The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.