bad jokes

Ranking the Worst Jokes From Last Night’s Dads, on a Scale of Terrible to Super Terrible

In his review yesterday, Matt Zoller Seitz stated it very clearly: “Dads — don’t watch it.” But we understand that you want to know what all the talk about it being racist is about. Well, we’ve got you covered. We went through all the racism, misogyny, and general laziness to pick the ten worst jokes and rank them from terrible to super terrible. Just to be clear on who is who: Seth Green is Eli; Giovanni Ribisi is Warner; Martin Mull is Crawford, Warner’s dad; Peter Riegert is David, Eli’s dad; Vanessa Lachey plays Camilla, Warner’s wife; Brenda Song plays Veronica. With that out of the way, please enjoy — or, we guess, don’t enjoy.

10. Crawford: “I just came from a very interesting, very interesting meeting with an outfit that owns the copyright for Black Santa Claus, of all things.”

9.  David: “Thank you, Warner. [Pointing to Camilla.] And thanks to your beautiful maid for making all this food.”

8. Eli: “A surprise party. I hate surprise parties. You’re a terrible girlfriend.”
Woman who just woke up from his bed: “Oh, I thought you said I wasn’t your girlfriend.”
Eli: “Well, whatever you are, you’re terrible at it.”

7. Crawford: “Whatcha playing? Punch the Puerto Rican?”
Warner: “No, it’s a boxing game we’re developing. It doesn’t have a name yet.”
Crawford: “Well, jot down ‘Punch the Puerto Rican.’ Let the marketing people take it from there.” 

6. Warner, to his wife: “See, my relationship with my dad is based on a mutual avoidance of conflict. You know, you could learn a lot from us.”

5. Crawford: “And this is their ethnically and sexually diverse workplace. Where’s your gay guy? Show me your gay guy.”
[Warner points to a guy.]
[Guy waves.] 

4. Veronica: “Well, you’re lucky your dads are American. My dad beat me with a mathbook until I was 16.”
Warner: “Well, see, there you go. That’s exactly why well need your help on Friday, when we pitch to the Chinese investors.”
Veronica: “What, because of my intimate knowledge of Chinese culture?”
Warner: “No, because you’re going to dress up like a sexy Asian schoolgirl.”
Veronica: “I can’t do that.” 
Eli: “Oh, you can. Sure, you can. Practice with me.” [Does stereotypical Asian cartoon, hand over mouth giggle.] 

3. Eli and Warner pitch “Kill Hitler 2” to Chinese investors.
[Veronica, dressed like a sexy Sailor Moon, does aforementioned giggle.]
[Chinese investors’ translator takes photo.]
Chinese investors translator: “We like what we’re hearing and want very much to work with you and your rock-and-roll American rebel man.” 

2. Warner: “Dad, we just sealed a handshake agreement.”
Crawford: “Then you’ve got nothing.”
Warner: “Listen, go to my office. There is a granola bar in the top drawer.”
Crawford: “No, Warner. The Chinese are a lovely and honorable people, but [whispered] you can’t trust them.”
Warner: “Dad, stop it.”
Crawford: “There’s a reason Shanghai is a verb.”

1. Crawford: “And it would’ve been a billion-dollar deal, if someone told me the correct pronunciation was ‘she-ite’ Muslim.”

Ranking the Worst Jokes From Last Night’s Dads