Letter to the TSA, by Roger Taylor

Dear TSA,

I must take issue with your rules about the transportation of liquids, posted on your website and at airports around the country. As the President, CEO, and CFO of Spivak’s SealSaks, I feel your mention of “Ziploc©” bags, rather than a generic equivalent, creates an undue and unfair competitive advantage.

The TSA does not otherwise show corporate favoritism. The various warnings and decrees issued by your agency do not specifically mention Boeing planes or Delta flights or AirJohn toilets. Why Ziploc©? I feel this arbitrary and inconsiderate decision has much to do with Spivak’s SealSaks currently controlling only .02% of the market (mostly in Walla Walla, where we’re based, and, for some reason, a smattering of towns in rural Alabama).

If you do insist on using corporate names, perhaps you could consider balancing your approach by specifically naming Ziploc© only half the time and Spivak’s SealSaks the other half? Using my skills as a CFO and graduate of multiple math classes at Walla Walla Community College, I calculated the cost to change the appropriate verbiage, signage, and internetage to be a mere $8 million (and that’s if we ensure full compliance at every airport and every internet within a week. Perhaps two weeks would be acceptable if you’re strapped for cash?)

Please understand that this is more than a business issue. These sorts of problems have plagued my family ever since my grandfather, Mariano Spivak, first invented press & seal technology back in 1962. If you didn’t read about that in the history books, there’s a reason for it: Namely, business competitor (and romantic rival) Cornelius T. Ziploc stole my grandfather’s idea (and fiancée) and attached his name (to both).

Incidentally, I would appreciate it if you didn’t make any copies of this letter and would keep it in a safe, dark, temperature-controlled place (like, for example, a Spivak’s SealSak model S4, which is waterproof for up to six seconds in laboratory controlled conditions, can withstand multiple ounces of tensile strength, and falls at an approximate rate of 32 feet per second per second). You see, there’s a lawsuit ongoing, (well, pending [okay, imminent]) and the many pieces of this story must be unveiled in the proper order. For example, imagine the faces on members of the jury when I demonstrate how a Spivak’s SealSak model S9 doesn’t suffocate an infant when placed over its head the way a Ziploc© bag would. And now imagine how the effect will be lost if I don’t first tell them about Cornelius T. Ziploc’s bastard son! I appreciate your cooperation on this matter.

With hope and righteous anger,

Todd Spivak

Roger Taylor lives and writes in Lambertville, NJ. What little is known about him has been compiled on this handy informational page.

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Letter to the TSA, by Roger Taylor