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Patton Oswalt Walks Us Through His Crushes From the Whedonverse

Patton Oswalt. Photo: Clint Spaulding/?PatrickMcMullan

What happens when this reporter (a self-professed geek) and Patton Oswalt (also a self-professed geek) talk crushes at the NYFF premiere of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty? A really geeky run-through of Oswalt’s crushes from the Whedonverse — naturally. Fellow geeks, enjoy.

We’re asking people about their crushes, and I thought since you play the eHarmony guy in this movie, someone who’s a bit of a matchmaker, you might be a good fit …
Oh, sure!

I know you’re happily married, but you’re still allowed …
My wife has crushes; I have crushes. Christina Ricci. That’s a longtime crush. You know what’s really weird? This does sound kind of strange, but you know who serves up the perfect geek crush is anyone from the Joss Whedonverse. Like my big crush now, and has been for a while, is Miracle Laurie from Dollhouse. I never got to work with her, but good God!

Can we run through every show in the Whedonverse?
Can we do it show for show? Yeah. If we’re going to go with Firefly …

Let’s start with Buffy.
Yeah, let’s start with Buffy. With Buffy, I had two: Alyson Hannigan, who played Willow. And then this minor actress, I cannot remember her name, she played this witch called like Lisa or something.

Do you mean Tara? Or Amy?
Amy! Amy the witch. Whoever that actress was. Something about her eyes.

Okay, so Elizabeth Anne Allen. She also played a rat …
She got turned into a rat, and she got turned back …

And you played a rat in Ratatouille
Ooooh. All right. There we go.

Then Angel
Ah! With Angel, it is the actress who ended up being on Law & Order. She was blonde, and she ended up being one of the attorneys.

Elizabeth Rohm.
“Is it because I’m a lesbian?” Yeah, exactly. And we were supposed to go, “Oh my God!” So that was Angel. Then Firefly, it would have to be … who played Kaylie?

Jewel Staite.
Her. She was amazing.

She was also just on The Killing.
Oh! I stopped watching it the first season. God, now I gotta watch it, if she’s on it!

She’s Holder’s girlfriend in the third season; she worked for the D.A.’s office.
Oh my God! Did Wikipedia come to life? And then Miracle Laurie on Dollhouse. Holy crap.

What about Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Who plays the hacker girl that got recruited?

Chloe Bennet.
Her. She’s amazing. She is a total nod to … all of these shows have a Whedon type, and she is the Alyson Hannigan. And Jewel Staite, she was the Willow of Firefly. And Miracle Laurie was the Willow of Dollhouse.

So essentially, you’re in love with Willow.
I’m in love with Willow! I’m in love with Willow! And the other crush I had was the other witch, her rival! So there you go! It’s all Willow for me. It’s all Willow.

Why do you think that is?
Holy fuck, I don’t know, but I just now realized. You just mapped this out. Maybe that’s a way to figure out what kind of guy you are. Are you a Buffy, a Willow, or a Drusilla?

Or a Cordelia, or a Faith?
Holy shit, there’s a guide. I’m a Willow. I don’t know what that means. It means I like brainy and sweet, but clearly sitting on a lot of darkness and wildness. And sometimes a redhead. Oh my God. Well, I’m done! I got it. I’m all done. Jesus! I wasn’t expecting that tonight! I just wanted to get down the fucking red carpet. What the hell is this? Did my shrink send you? There could be a whole dating site just based on the Whedonverse. Are you a Willow, a Buffy … And then also for the women, are you a Xander, are you a Giles, are you a Riley? Holy shit. Yeah. Are you a Spike?

I think I might be a Spike …
You think you might be a Spike?

After he has a soul.
And then if you’re a Spike, that means you’re a Jayne on Firefly, you’re Alpha on Dollhouse, [Alan Tudyk] who was also on Firefly as Wash … oh my gosh.

You could have a whole Geek eHarmony …
GeekHarmony. You know what? Let’s go register it right now. Let’s go get some start-up capital.

Patton Oswalt on His Whedonverse Crushes