Derek For Boyfriend, 2013: Test Slogans, by Grant Catton

This November, when you go to the polls, vote Derek Ferguson for Boyfriend. Derek is a young man who…

Knows the local IPAs.

Agrees that big weddings are outdated.

Always has cutting-edge facial hair.

Will go to brunch with you and all your friends…even when he’s super hungover.

Owns and often uses a typewriter…to write actual letters.

Reads all the right pop-culture blogs…but not before you do.

Has great stories from when he went backpacking in South America.

Wants to run a mini-marathon someday…with you.

Owns a cast-iron skillet…and knows how to clean it.

Has a good job with a hip, local tech company…and writes fiction on the side.

No longer shops at Urban Outfitters…because he doesn’t agree with their politics.

Has never once referred to women as “ladies”…or made finger pistols.

Pronounces foreign words correctly…and doesn’t correct you when you don’t.

Likes football…but won’t let it ruin your autumn Sundays.

Doesn’t even pretend to like soccer.

Owns three different sets of bed sheets…and changes them bi-weekly.

Only drinks coffees from small cooperative farms in Africa…which he special-orders from a website he heard about on NPR.

Totally okay with never having kids…but would have one if you wanted to.

Works out multiple times per week…in close-fitting, earth-toned clothes that don’t even look like gym clothes.

Loves to cook…but doesn’t mind when you take over.

Comes from a really nice family…in another state.

The choice is clear: Derek Ferguson is a man you can trust…to wake up early on Saturdays and go with you to the farmer’s market.

Grant Catton is a writer living in Indianapolis. 

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.

Derek For Boyfriend, 2013: Test Slogans, by Grant […]