Everyone loves New Year’s Eve. It’s a time of tasty beverages, all-night shindigs and awkward midnight kisses. It’s also a time of self-reflection – when we take a good hard look at ourselves and resolve to be better than we were. And of course, New Year’s is that wonderful evening where we don’t feel at all pressured to make up for an entire year of missed opportunities in a single night. Only we do – with hilarious consequences.
In the spirit of New Year’s, Splitsider – in partnership with Samsung – brought together some of the New York City’s funniest funny-people from the UCB Theatre to share their hilarious, most memorable tales of New Years’ past. Let’s take a look.
“Year after year, I found myself serving the role of the sober lady on New Year’s Eve, babysitting people after the ball dropped. So in 2013, enough was enough. No more New Year’s Eve for me. I decided to spend the evening crafting with my sister and called it a night before 10pm. That’s why it came as a shock when I was shaken awake from my post-decoupage slumber at 11:59pm. My sister had come to share the news that Kim Kardashian was pregnant.
Kim, you ruined it. In 2014, let’s coordinate our timing, and please never let it happen again.”
“My favorite New Year’s Eve memory is being at this massive party and getting a bunch of my friends in on starting a fake countdown at 11 p.m. People thought it was pretty funny the first time, but really hated it when we kept doing it over and over again until the real one at midnight.”
“A few years ago my friend and I were at a very lame New Year’s party, so we decided to leave and go to another one. We ran to the nearest subway station and got on, but the train got stalled and instead we celebrated the New Year on a subway car and it was amazing. People had balloons, streamers, confetti. It was as if people had planned to be on the subway at midnight. It was one of the best NYE I ever had!”
“One time at a UCB New Year’s party like six years ago I saw A.D. Miles and Rob Huebel talking to each other. Being a new guy on the scene, I wanted to introduce myself. So, I went up to A.D. Miles and said, “Hey, A.D., I thought Dog Bites Man was awesome.” He goes, “thanks.” Then, feeling weird, I wanted to compliment Rob Huebel – who is a comedic powerhouse – and said, “Oh, and Rob I’m a huge fan of Olive Garden commercials” (I had gotten nervous and just remembered he had done a joke on stage about more people recognizing him for that than anything else at the time). A.D. laughed and then Rob said, “Great, I’m going to go throw myself in traffic.” I walked away and tried to avoid them the rest of the night.”
“So, my first Christmas break from college I came home, ready to have fun with all my best friends. I never really partied at all in high school, so my first year away was its own kind of education. All my friends had learned a lesson in partying too, though.
This seems like a good moment to mention that the majority of me friends from high school were dudes. I’m a bit of a tomboy, what can I say.
So while I was off at an acting conservatory, they were all busy in fraternities learning how to rage all night, every night, without sleep and only gatorade and microwave burritos to get them through the day before the next party.
I show up to this party, ready to get “crazy” with my best guys from back home. And I will tell you this right now: I can not, I repeat, can NOT keep up with frat guys. But I sure did try. Within an hour I was completely spent, with several hours left until midnight.
The last thing I remember is yelling “HAPPY NEW YEAR” and then, as though blinking, I woke up. On the bathroom floor. With my head under the toilet. And my hair somehow tied to the knob that controls the water flow in the wall. Did someone tie it to the knob? Did I try to use it as a pillow? Did party fairies try to give me a sweet new ‘do? We may never know. But sure enough, there I was, completely attached to the plumbing.
Luckily my friends noticed, because once I realized I was stuck I started to try to cut myself free ala Pretty in Pink. It took a few gentlemen to stop me, but I managed to start the new year with all of my hair.”
“This is a tale of love, loss, and little kids. It starts in 1996 in Akron, Ohio. I was a member of my middle school show choir and we were invited to perform in First Night, a big New Years Eve celebration downtown. I had a huge crush on my box step partner, Jessica. If you don’t know, the box step is a sophisticated dance maneuver wherein you walk in the shape of a box on the floor. Jessica and I were incredible at this and destined to be together.
Now, if you’re familiar with 1996, you’ll remember this was the year of the carbonated beverage SURGE. I drank Surge as a substitute for water the entirety of 5th grade. If you cut me, I bled green. I get to the show and I am super nervous. Jessica is bubbling with her friends and I have my friend: a can of Surge I’m nursing having already finished a 20oz bottle earlier. On the bill was “Winter Wonderland,” which was a particular favorite of mine because not only did Jessica and I do the box step of love, but it ended in a twirl and her sitting ON MY KNEE. So, it was all going down at First Night.
The time comes to head into the theater, but as it happens, drinking 32oz of anything makes you have to go potty real bad. And Mrs. Kaufman would not let me go potty. We get into formation and I start dancing. Mind you, the music hasn’t started yet, I’m just trying not to piss myself. Jessica and I start the box step of love and that’s when it happens. I’m wetting my pants in front of an audience of people and school mates. My first thought is, thank GOD my pants are black. No one is seeing this. Then it hits me: Jessica, the twirl, the knee, the horror. My future wife is going to sit on my pee covered knee. There’s no stopping it. I pull her in close, regretting all my life decisions. She sits. I DIE. My heart stops beating for four whole seconds. She was a pro, though. She kept singing. We made it through the entire show.
Afterwards, I apologized to her, but Jessica just stared at me confused. And that’s when I realized she had no idea any of that happened until I opened my big mouth. For the record, we’re not married and live on different coasts. But worst than all of this… Surge was discontinued in 2003. “
“What is the deal with waiting on long lines in tiny clothes in the middle of winter? Last time I did it, it was the wrong bar!”
All resolutions drawn using SketchBook on the Samsung Galaxy Note® 3.
All photos by Gary Golembiewsky.