The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Last night on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the ladies concluded their group trip to Palm Springs with some middling drama, a few tears, a giant insect, and Kyle’s bare breasts.
When last we left the girls, Brandi was shitfaced and Kyle and Yolanda were throwing ficus-strength shade in each others’ general direction. This week, Brandi was still so drunk, she sweated off her makeup, and Kyle’s attentions turned from Yolo to Brandi, after Brandi drunkenly called Kyle a “crazy asshole.” That epithet stemmed from the White Wine Logic of “If you’re mean to Yolanda, you’re mean to me,” but, to tell you the truth, Brandi was so messed up, she could have said “gobble, gobble” as a running start to what she pelted at Kyle. But what she actually meant was: When Kyle wants sympathy, she’s very nice, but when she doesn’t need people to feel sorry for her, she treats them like disposable, need-fulfilling objects.
Kyle was hurt when Brandi proved to be not too drunk to say something completely true about her, and soon, Yolanda stood down from her spat with Kyle by saying the following things:
- You have bigger fish to fry in your life.
- I’m a girl’s girl.
- I wish you well and I hope your family is safe.
- I need to use the bathroom.
Then, Yolanda used the bathroom. And Kyle burst into tears. Kyle didn’t care for Brandi and Yolanda “being mean to her,” you see, and Yolanda soon held a crying Kyle in her arms saying “don’t cry” over and over while an editor zoomed in on her back under the touch of Kyle’s hands in order to cover up the lack of lip synch to the crummy but useable audio of the two women comforting one another and being comforted.
While Yolo and Kyle hugged, Kim trotted off to find both of them, and she was soon followed by Lisa. Then, all four women were in a guest bedroom, and nobody remembered that Silent Joyce was the hostess of this particular trip. Silent Joyce, by the way, is the name of the worst Christmas carol of all time. It’s fragile, it’s obvious, it lasts forever, and when it’s going, you’re like, “Is this still in the room? Can we listen to something else instead?”
And Kyle, still sobbing, moaned “I’m at the point of my life where I really need everybody to be supportive” to a room full of mostly well-meaning but essentially Kyle-neutral to Kyle-hostile bodies. Kim filled in Lisa on what had happened before she appeared, so Pumpy was up to date: “Kyle’s lashes fell off and then she walked in on me peeing,” quoth Kim. And then, she did something physically staggering.
Did you watch the panty dance? Did you see Kim Richards realizing, in real time, that her underpants were uncomfortable? Did you enjoy seeing her waddle off, rhythmically but bizarrely, to the side, until she was out of frame? It was like a do-si-do of one, combined with the wobble of a crab walk, and it was absolutely incredible. As I type this, it has been 90 minutes since the episode has aired, and I’ve Googled “Kim Richards GIF” about three times after selecting the criteria that the file I want has been uploaded within the past 24 hours. I came up short, so I ask you this: WHO AMONG YOU WILL BE HEROIC ENOUGH TO POST THIS SIDEWAYS PANTY DANCE IN GIF FORM FOR US ALL TO ENJOY FOREVER?
Anyway. Kim shuffled off to Buffalo, explaining that her panties were in a wad — literally, and then she dipped into the bathroom to fix her drawers. And around this time, Lisa closed the bathroom door on Kim, and that made Kim furious, because she felt like Lisa was excluding her from the proceedings when, in fact, Lisa could have just been shielding her eyes from the sight of Kim Richards digging what you just KNOW is a thong out of her rigid peach crack. After Lisa closed the door on her, Kim confronted Lisa for being dismissive of her all night, and Kyle said to her sister, “What the hell are you doing, you cuckoo bird? I am trying to make it so these women don’t actively hate me, and you’re not helping.” Lisa said, “Whatever,” and went back to the table, realizing that Kyle’s eyes were long dry at this point.
After the Sisters Richards sat on a bed together and looked like the two most miserable people in the world, Kim came back to the table and told Yolanda that she loved her aura. She also fake-apologized to Lisa for telling her a moment ago that she was sick of being condescended to. And we got a cutaway to Joyce, who was staring at the proceedings, breathing through her mouth and using her brain to remind her: “Inhale … exhale” on a loop, so she didn’t suffocate.
After dinner, Brandi and Carlton show-flirted with each other, touching each others’ bony backs and cooing about how hot they found one another’s skinny bodies. During their little “chase around the bed” scene back in their room, was I the only one who barked at the screen, “JUST FINGER EACH OTHER”? Because you know what shuts up innuendo-fueled sexual tension? A couple of orgasms.
Meanwhile, at this point Kyle and Joyce decided to clog up the pool filter with their Pantene Curtains. Kyle, having completely recovered from her crying jag, tossed off her bikini top so she could wade in the water with only her giant turquoise-jewelry-laden head sticking up over the pool surface. And as she used Joyce to think out loud (“I need to unwind. I’ve had a rough day.” “You need to unwind! You’ve had a rough day!”), Kyle smiled this hollow, awful smile. Her face expressed the kind of happy she could only achieve in the presence of somebody dumber than her and more easily manipulated than her sister. These two are a good parasite-host combo.
Speaking of Kyle’s sister, by the way: Kim completely won me over with her “CVS slippers” in the pool scene. Well, not completely — she’s still a brain-damaged lizard lady, and a Jerri Blank–Baby Jane hybrid, and/or horrifying demonstration of what can go wrong to child stars who merely get older but never grow up. But I would have been the one in my jammies and pharmacy slippies at that pool, too! So cheers to Kim for this scene, and jeers to Kyle for playing the “let’s pretend I want to get your slippers wet” keep-away game; a game that even a dog would be like, “No, thanks” about. The dog might add, “Is there a fetch element; or chewing?” And then, realizing that, no, the “Wet Slippers” game is basically “Keep-away” with more laughing for show, he would likely just go back into the kitchen and see if anybody dropped anything tasty instead.
Meanwhile, across the compound, Yolo and Lisa shocked Brandi and Carlton by puttering out of the Matronly European Suite to show off their nightgown bodies and chastise Brandi for being far too drunk. Well, to be fair, it was only Lisa who patronized her sauced pal. Yo pointed out that Brandi was an adult, but Lisa still took away Brandi’s Costco jug of Barefoot Chardonnay. That action lent itself to Brandi accusing Lisa of being “strategic,” which, once you run it through the “Drunk Girl” Rosetta Stone, means that it bothers her sometimes how bossy Lisa can be. And I could see how Lisa’s behavior could be perceived of as snotty or condescending from her actions in this episode, but I think that, more than anything else, she’s just OVER being on this show. Anyone else? Her “Okay, darling’s” have been handed out to anyone who either complains or struggles in her presence as casually as fliers on the street, and, based on her refusal to suffer fools like Kim a scene or two before, she seems to be, officially, done.
The next morning, Brandi was not dead from alcohol poisoning, and therefore, the ladies all went to ride a gondola up a mountain.
Kim mentioned that the aforementioned peak reminded her of Witch Mountain, because her frame of reference is shallow and self-referential, and Carlton was like, “I loved that movie,” and Kim was like, “Oh, that was me in that movie,” and Carlton was like, “Oh, that explains everything.”
After some lowbrow humor about whether or not the gondola is dangerous and heights are scary, the women finally settled in at an unthinkable altitude to feed squirrels from their bare hands. Technically, Carlton (a Wiccan) and Kim (an insane person) were the rodent feeders; Kyle stayed in character as the phobic, pest-averse princess who is forever acting out for the gaze of an invisible beau prone, in Kyle’s mind, to find that kind of thing feminine, or girly, or charming, or even accessible.
Back at the gondola station, Kim split from the group for a quick kneeling prayer by a garbage can next to a wall, and we can only assume she thanked God for squirrels, tuna ceviche, and the dumb luck she’s been experiencing so far in regards to her dog, who will one day, because of her own neglect for its obedience, take her life. But Lisa and Yolanda said, “Uh, Kim, why did you just kneel next to that garbage can?” And Kim got defensive about her behavior, because she is not lucid, self-aware, normal, or intelligent enough to ever have a sense of humor beyond “Nose” based puns. (“He KNOWS about NOSES” — Kim, on her rhinoplasty surgeon, last season.)
And once the ladies had returned back to the house in Palm Springs, Yo split back to Beverly Hills, albeit with an ominous mention of an impending date with THE CANADIAN TENORS that she would be soon be roping the other ‘Wives into. I’ve never heard of The Canadian Tenors because I have good taste in music, but I assume they are the gents behind the hits “O Sole Mio, Eh?” and “The Marriage of Figaro, Which is Aboot Five or Six Minutes Long, Eh?” And around this time, Lisa also had to go, which left Brandi, Kyle, Kim, Carlton, and Yoyce alone for Taco Night.
And Taco Night went over like the Harlem Globetrotters at Kim Jung-Un’s 11th birthday party. After an incident in which a bug came into the house and Carlton removed the bug with a Wicca Pillow, everybody sat around the table to eat Brandi’s tacos (Don’t be lewd — I meant that phrase literally). And the gals generally got along great, leading Kyle to wonder in vague terms whether Lisa and Yolanda’s haughty European sister act wasn’t the source of recent tensions at the guest house. But, yes. In general, the ladies didn’t fight. And that was made a big deal out of.
“Look how we’re not fighting, isn’t that great?” said one. “We are getting along!” said another. “Even though we hate each others’ guts, we are being civil!” A third lady intoned with the degree of surprise her face is still surgically permitted to express. Joyce, whose whole philosophy of staying out of everything so she can be a polite hostess, even emerged from the shadows for a couple of minutes for her to say, “The tacos” and … um … sit at the table … with … her hair? Look, I don’t know what Joyce did this episode at all, and I’m not exactly sure why she’s on this show at this moment, but I’m sure it’s for a good reason, because Andy Cohen has never lied to me personally.
During a break in the polite dinner conversation, Brandi decided to call home and check in on her kids. And that seemed like a nice idea, and all of the other women were like, “I think I’ll call my kids too, fa la la.” And that’s when Brandi learned from her assistant, Cameron that (1) Her house was broken into, and (2) one of her dogs was missing.
Brandi flipped out, and said to Cameron on the phone: “Hey, Cameron — this is the second time in a week you’ve lost track of my dogs.” And I was like, “EXCUSE ME?” Because in that moment I hated Cameron and I wanted to build a time machine so that Brandi could fire her earlier. But: poor Brandi. Of all the things to happen when you’re away and entrusting your home and pets to the care of another person …? Ugh.
As Brandi sobbed, the other women impotently patted her pointy shoulder blades cased in sun-dappled skin and said things like “There, there” and “Oh, no.” And in a parting shot of idiocy, Jocelyn/Yoyce/Joyce, in a misguided stab towards expressing empathy, told Brandi that she too had lost a dog at one point in her dumb life. And Brandi was like, “NOT EVERYTHING IS A COMPETITION, JOYCE!” At which point, Joyce wiped the Vaseline from her teeth, removed the banner from across her swimsuit area, and stopped trying to make eye contact to smile at judges who, it turns out, weren’t there.
The episode ended with a despondent Brandi heading back home to Los Angeles, vowing to find her dog, and, I hope, behead Cameron with the force of shouting alone. Good luck, Brandi!
What did you guys think of this week’s episode? Is Lisa bitchy, over it, or both? Did you like Carlton’s method of applying bronzer so her face straight-up looked like it had dirt on it? Who’s more emptionally consistent: Kim Richards or a squirrel? Tell me in the comments below, and I’ll see you guys next week!