Ichabod Crane should be freaked out more than he is. Think about it: If you fell asleep in 1781 and woke up in 2013, you would be so utterly overwhelmed by the world that you probably wouldn’t be able to function. You’d just sit on the couch for two weeks, exhausted by everything, until you somehow, some way got used to the sounds, the noises, the traffic jams, the planes, television, the Internet, and the joys of aloe-filled toilet paper. The Ichabod of Sleepy Hollow (which airs its season finale tonight at 8 p.m.) doesn’t seem that confused, though. Sure, he’s perplexed by many things and pauses to figure out what it means and why it exists, but for the most part, he has adjusted pretty darn well. Here are all the times that Ichabod has been confused by this modern world.
… is confused by the yellow lines on a road.
… is startled by a truck and a car (which he then gets hit by).
… is confused/irritated by a polygraph machine.
… shakes his head when he meets a female lieutenant.
… is mesmerized by automatic car windows.
… doesn’t know what Starbucks is, and is stunned there’s more than one in town.
… is put off by the fact that women can now wear pants.
… is confused by a flashlight.
… doesn’t know how to open a car door.
… wonders why Irving calls him Captain America.
… is fascinated by a lamp’s on/off switch.
… is stunned by the water pressure in a shower.
… is amazed by a hair dryer.
… is amazed by a coffee maker.
… is freaked out while watching Planet of the Apes on a television.
… doesn’t want a doughnut hole but loves it when he tries it.
… is shocked that the doughnut holes cost $4.95 (and he’s really shocked by the tax).
… is curious about fluorescent lights.
… fires one bullet and tosses a gun because he doesn’t know present-day guns hold more than one shot.
“For the Triumph of Evil…”
… accidentally fast-forwards and rewinds a VCR tape and can’t stop it.
… doesn’t know who The Sandman is (but says it sounds “barbaric”).
… doesn’t know what to call a receptionist or energy drinks.
… is disgusted by said energy drink after sampling.
… calls a car a “motorized carriage.”
“The Lesser Key of Solomon”
… doesn’t know what/where Somalia is.
… discovers plastic packaging. (“What is this impenetrable barrier around this instrument?”)
… is confused by a sticky Band-Aid
… doesn’t know what a quarantine is. (“This is the stuff of nightmares.”)
… gets way, way too close to a web cam to talk to someone.
… is jazzed after getting a shot of adrenaline (“I like it.”)
“The Sin Eater”
… is confused by Abbie’s yelling at an umpire during a baseball game.
“The Midnight Ride”
… is baffled by the concept of a supermarket. (“My God, where do you procure such massive quantities of preserves? Is there a nearby citadel?”)
… is confounded by the concept of bottled water. (“You paid? For water?”)
… is troubled by wastefulness. (“The extent to which your generation has defiled this earth is truly mind-boggling.”)
… is confused by cell phones. He picks up a can of food when Abbie’s rings.
… doesn’t understand how to end a voice mail. (“I am, most respectfully, Ichabod Crane.”)
… is dazzled by industrial car compactors (“The myriad destructive devices you have in this century is remarkable.”)
… again, still can’t get over the paying for water thing. He says, to a security guard, drinking bottled water, “Were you charged a fee for that water?”
… doesn’t understand what it means to upload something online.
… is flummoxed by web ads. (After accidentally clicking one, he says, “I’ve done something catastrophic.”)
… is flustered by web porn (“I’m flattered, madam, but I’m afraid I’m espoused to another.”)
… doesn’t get what a fist bump is.
… doesn’t get what an acronym is and is irritated by Abbie saying DWP (Department of Water and Power).
… doesn’t understand that McDonald’s isn’t McDonald McDonald’s – he calls the drive-thru “impressive,” but says the food isn’t like any Scottish food he has ever had.
… is confused by the modern Thanksgiving. When Abbie mentions cranberry sauce and pecan pie, Crane remarks, “The pilgrims didn’t have enough sugar to make a sauce, let alone a pie! Venison was served, not turkey.”
… is shocked by modern wealth. He says about a socialite worth a billion dollars: “A billion dollars? That’s the gross national income of all thirteen colonies in my lifetime!”
… doesn’t know from George Clooney. (“An Irishman?”)
… thinks that Amazon.com delivers things from the actual Amazon.
… doesn’t understand celebrating the Yule with lumber. In 1781, it wasn’t “eggnog,” it was “egg and grog.”
… is confused by the changes in language. In his day, a “toilet” was a vanity cabinet, “intercourse” meant social conversation, and “awful” meant awe-inspiring.
… is startled by a funhouse mirror. (“What hellish form of torment is this?”)
… doesn’t get Christmas stockings. (“You embroidered my name on some oversize hosiery. How odd.”)
… can’t get used to skinny jeans, which he refers to as “constrictive trouser.”
… doesn’t know what dry-cleaning is.
… doesn’t know why women have to own so much clothing.