Hey there, late twenty-somethings! Looking for a way to spend your wide-open weekend nights? Nothing else to do besides hit up that tired old bar scene that apparently none of your responsible, newly career-driven friends are into anymore? Then it’s time for Late Twenties Game Night, the hot new craze of staying in and playing an unending series of board and card games that’s sweeping every tastefully decorated townhouse in the nation!
That’s right: fucking board and card games! That profoundly unsatisfying diversion you used to resort to at your grandmother’s house because there was nothing else to do is now something in which your friends appear to take authentic joy! Not really your cup of tea? You don’t get a vote! It’s time to grow up! So pull up a chair and get ready for a lengthy evening of dice rolling, amassing little plastic tokens, and waiting your turn. It’s Late Twenties Game Night! It’s what you’re doing from now on.
YOU WILL NEED:
• A bunch of fucking board and card games
• Four (4) friends, two (2) of whom are a married couple and the other two (2) of whom are an engaged couple
• That tepid, restless drunk that comes after drinking three (3) glasses of red wine over the course of four (4) hours
• The ability to lightheartedly reminisce about those “crazy times” that evidently drew to a close at the commencement of Late Twenties Game Night without plunging into an irretrievable depression [optional]
• One (1) of the hostess’ purportedly “gorgeous” work friends, who said she might stop by later [highly optional]
• Late Twenties Game Night is recommended for ages 27+, or 24+ if you’re really up the creek.
• Whenever there’s a lull in “the action,” meekly ask if anyone feels like going out after the next round of whatever it is that’s happening.
• Be aware that your friends will almost certainly discuss how you “seem” after the evening breaks up and you go home.
• At all times during a given game, you should determine the scenario through which someone will win in the least amount of time possible and then silently root for that outcome.
• Every time you find yourself playing board and card games as a source of entertainment and social stimulation, subtract one evening from your finite life.
APPLES TO APPLES
The object of this game is to win “green apple” adjective cards by playing the “red apple” noun card that is the best match. For example, to win a green apple card labeled, “Tedious,” you might play a red apple card labeled, “Apples to Apples.”
Remember when you were 17 and you saved up enough money from your landscaping job to buy that old 4x4? Remember that first long drive you took by yourself, the radio low and the warm night air sweeping in through the windows? Back then, you felt like you do could do everything. Not “anything”—everything. Anyway, you play this board game by rolling dice and answering questions and stuff.
SOME COMPLICATED FUCKING THING WITH A SACKFUL OF DICE AND CARDS AND TOKENS THAT TAKES TWO FUCKING HOURS TO EXPLAIN
Though your friends will be well-acquainted with this vast, labyrinthine board-card game combo, speaking in an argot that confuses and frustrates you, the rules can be a little tricky at first. Just give your undivided attention and you’ll be up to speed before you know it in two fucking hours. In the meantime, you may notice that both bottles of wine have been drained; feel free to help yourself to the only beer in the host’s fridge. It’s been in there since that potluck they had in August and it’s a Heineken.
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
THE GAME OF LIFE
During one of your recuperative trips to the restroom, you may realize that you have neither sent nor received a text message in eight days. A shelf above the toilet holds two $15 candles and a framed black-and-white photograph of a bathtub in a cornfield. See the bathroom mirror? Look at your life. Look at it.
Django Gold is a staff writer for The Onion. Following him on Twitter might just be the answer.
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