The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Hello again, beauties! It’s Danielle, happy to fill in for our beloved Julie while she prepares for total world domination. I know — I miss her, too! And together we will get through this episode and soon our queen will return to us, shining like the giant jewel necklace Kyle, like so many Gretchen Weiners before her, keeps trying to make happen.
The laws of Housewifery dictate that one must finish the fight one started in the previous episode, so we start out with a bang at SURRRRrrrrrrr, where Joyce and Jowls have teamed up to take down the Wicked Witch of the Whiskey, Brandi. Joyce thinks Brandi is tacky, Brandi thinks Joyce is unfairly using her husband to help defend her, and I think Beverly Hills should start slipping sedatives into the water supply. Supposed buffers Martin and Mohamed did fuck-all as Lisa tried to keep the peace by reaching her hand across the table without actually touching anyone. The ghouls from SURRRRrrrrrrr looked on as Brandi reminded everyone that she is acting like a maniac because she misses her puppy, you guys! Yolanda, who has had her fair share of emotional shitholes, whisked Brandi away from the table with the skill of a well-trained dancer, put her in a car, and sent her home. It was the first act of true friendship ever displayed with this franchise! Real friends will look you dead in the eye and say, “Girl, you are fucked the fuck up.”
Lisa and Ken tried to defend Brandi — she hasn’t been herself since she lost her puppy to the kai-oats — but Joyce is quick to point out that Brandi was a Class-A Asshole to her way before that dog got chewed up. One point for Jois-ey! In the end, Joyce and Jowls had the nerve to suggest that Sacramento’s Rose needed elegance lessons as if they were a thing that existed, but, just like God, Joyce is gracious enough to forgive Brandi for being a “stupid little bitch” if Brandi conjures up a maddeningly specific apology. Don’t hold your breath, Jois-ey! Actually, do. DO hold your breath.
Walking Nell impression Kim finally reunites with Kingsley, the dog she treats like a human baby. She’s so happy to see him that she can’t stop tay inna winnin’, prompting David to repeat, “Look at your baby! Say hello to your baby!” with increasing pitch and velocity, not unlike a horror movie victim pleading with his deranged captor. Kingsley is very excited to see Kim, and she undoes his training in about two minutes flat, unable to figure out his very complicated commands of check, sit, and down. All she wants is a “safe dog for all the people,” a beebeeeeeeee, and a guard dog all rolled into one, is that too much to ask? Chico-pay, tay inna win! Just keep livin’, Kim, just keep livin’!
Elsewhere, a Blair witch shat in the corner of a spider-infested playhouse and Carlton, uninterested in raising spoiled brats, made her kids clean it up. It was cute to watch them all run around the yard with a hose, and if they don’t die from the hantavirus, they’ll probably be the most well-adjusted kids on the show.
Kyle and Joyce drove their Barbie Corvettes over to a golf course so we wouldn’t forget that the sun brings out their natural shine, and both women seemed utterly confounded by the sport even though Joyce had a full set of designer clubs. I thought all hell was going to break loose when the instructor said, “Now you two are going to compete,” but they just stood around talking about Brandi. Joyce thinks Brandi has an argumentative pattern that ends with her playing the victim, and would have better luck with men if she weren’t so negative. She’ll never get to give out this sterling bit of unsolicited advice, though, because she has decided that Brandi “doesn’t exist in her world” anymore, which apparently means she will keep talking about her until her windpipe collapses.
Brandi and Yolanda put on matching outfits (black shirt and jeans) and talked about the dinner, too, only Yolanda used it as a platform to delicately rip Brandi a new asshole. She was friendly about it, but told Brandi in no uncertain terms that her temper is embarrassing, her performance at dinner was not charming, she loses credibility when she curses, and she has to change how she communicates. I don’t think anything will stop Brandi from invoking her version of the holy spirit — fuck you, go fuck yourself, fuck off — but Yolanda has at least given her something to think about.
Carlton, wearing a too-small T-shirt that only closed with shoelaces, got a tattoo from a guy who looked like a smushed Ricky Gervais, and let me tell you — it is rubbish. The sentiment was nice — having her children write their own names and getting them tattooed in a ring around a pentagram — but her kids are in that middle-school age where your handwriting is trapped between wanting to be proper cursive or a series of bubble letters. I understand the sentiment and I have several tattoos of my own, but in the end it looked like someone smashed a Yodel against her neck.
Lisa and Ken tottered around the disgustingly named Big Daddy’s Antiques so we would think they actually furnish their restaurants in this charming way, and not by calling in an industrial design team to vomit roses and the color pink all over the interior. They considered spending $4,500 on lampshades that looked like giant cages or $850 for concrete garden furniture that looked like upturned graves, but in the end the only decision they made was that they disagreed about Jowls joining in the fight.
Kyle had her fashion show, which was uneventful but for a good cause. She ran through the store like Jackie Joyner-Kersee when a simple mannequin fell over, so anxiety was a little high! Brandi and her model friends, Etirsa and Adrienne, piled into a limo and headed for the event. When Brandi asked Etirsa if she remembered Joyce, she said, “Yeah. Hair.” And I laughed out loud, reader! Etirsa said it was dumb for Brandi to make her “joke” about Joyce not swimming because she was a black person in Palm Springs, and the Babelfish in Brandi’s head turned that into “Well I just won’t make those jokes with people who don’t know me.” And that, children, is how racism in America ended, ta-da!
When they got to the store, Kyle made jokes about the mirrors on the side of the runway providing a possible upskirt moment, but then she sent her underage daughters down that runway and we all collectively frowned. Joyce showed up in the most confusing dress I have ever seen draped on a human body — one boob was wrapped in a bandeau top, the other was sheathed in a bejeweled mock turtleneck, the waist was wrapped with a single strand, and the whole thing was flesh-colored. Did she get in a fight with a wheat thresher before she showed up?
Joyce passive-aggressively said hello to all of Brandi’s friends but didn’t say hello to Brandi, and then Etirsa tried to teach Kyle’s daughters how to model. Her 13-year-old, Sophia, has a case of nerves and doesn’t want to do it, but Kyle’s mom pushed her into acting to overcome her shyness, so here she is, replicating the entire grueling process with her own kids!
Jamie “No Longer Lee” Curtis was the MC, but Kyle still had to find a way to make it all about her. Both women acted in Halloween together, so Kyle told a very long, boring story about Jamie Lee Curtis carrying her back to her dressing room on the last night she was on set. Then Kyle lied to Jamie Lee Curtis’s face and said she was inspired by her selflessness. Um, inspired to be a narcissistic monster? I don’t think that word means what you think it means.
The best thing you can do as an MC is insult your audience as soon as the mike is live, right? Jamie Lee Curtis mocked the typical model stride, and then asked why they always looked so mean, unhappy, and angry. Uh, that’s one way to start the show! Mauricio had neutropenia as a kid so his whole family is there, and they all clapped and whooped as Kyle’s daughters posed in the windows. Lisa Rinna was there! Christina Milian was there! People who wanted to give money to the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles were there! Kyle and Mauricio have given a lot of money to this charity, and Jamie Lee Curtis mentioned that they were now a First Family (which is a very specific level of giving) so Kyle is basically throwing this party to celebrate herself. Joyce, unable to step out of the spotlight for ten seconds, did an exaggerated Angelina leg as soon as she hit the runway, and the entire show was over in about five minutes.
Lisa invited Joyce over for drinks, and Joyce replied in riddles like a goddamn Gollum, “Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you, fool me a third time I’m just an idiot.” The origin of her idiocy has been cleared up: She must have been fooled one too many times like Rumpelstiltskin! She made her way to Lisa’s, dressed like a roll of Life Savers, and was greeted by Rumpy Pumpy, the new puppy, which made me inordinately jealous. Joyce made her case against Brandi — namely that everyone makes excuses for her shitty behavior — and explained that she went to see Criss-tall, their mutual friend! And Criss-tall! doesn’t know Brandi or appreciate her talking shit! Joyce put a point on it by saying, “Those are Criss-tall’s words.” Oh, I didn’t realize we were working under the Criss-tall Doctrine, my apologies. Lisa tries to talk to her about giving Brandi a break, but Joyce doesn’t know the meanings of the words “chastise” and “reprimand.” Fool me four times, my head explodes, so Lisa just let herself blow up in order to get out of the rest of the conversation. Nothing was resolved, hooray!
What did you think? Is it possible to pick sides when it comes to Brandi and Joyce?