I wanted to show you that I’m serious about making more of an effort to be a better boyfriend, so I thought about it carefully and came up with some personal goals. I know we have been having problems lately, but I wholeheartedly believe that if I follow through with each one of these, I will become a better person. I want to be the kind of boyfriend that an amazing person like you deserves!
1. I will sign up for those cooking lessons we read about.
2. I will start running again.
3. I will get rid of at least 80% of the Tupac-related content on my computer. Even though I worked really hard to collect it all.
4. I will try to wear shirts with collars on them more often.
5. I will be more vigilant about eating food in the fridge before it spoils or expires.
6. I promise to stop writing “Thug Life” in calligraphic lettering on your stomach with a Sharpie marker while you’re sleeping, every single night, regardless of how sexy I think it makes you look.
7. I will put my phone away when we’re spending time together.
8. I will write at least 250 words every day.
9. I will stop theorizing that you are Tupac Shakur reincarnated. I know it bothers you. And I get it, it’s pretty creepy. I mean, it isn’t even logical, since he was shot and killed in 1996 and you were, like, seven or eight years old when it happened. But, I mean, if you use your imagination, maybe it was something like in that movie Freaky Friday, where the mother and daughter switch bodies. Maybe your original little girl consciousness switched places with Tupac at the exact moment of his—or your—shooting. So the little girl who was forced into Tupac’s body at the time of the shooting died, leaving Tupac trapped in the little girl’s body with, naturally, only little girl memories. That means that you simply just forgot that you were once Tupac and have proceeded to grow up to be a smart, beautiful, and perfect 25-year-old woman. But, deep down inside, you’re actually Tupac Amaru Shakur. And I’m in love with you.
10. I will try new foods.
The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.