The Vampire Diaries Recap: I Won’t Dance (But Ask Me)

The Vampire Diaries

Total Eclipse of the Heart
Season 5 Episode 13
Editor’s Rating 4 stars

The Vampire Diaries

Total Eclipse of the Heart
Season 5 Episode 13
Editor’s Rating 4 stars
Photo: Annette Brown/CW

Last night’s episode of The Vampire Diaries was a little like a nineties horror flick. Bodies were showing up in trunks. Crazy girls were accessing their power at school dances. Hunks were getting suffocated by Saran Wrap. Katherine and Caroline might as well have been Jennifer Love Hewitt and Sarah Michelle Gellar if you know what I mean. (JLH and SMG were in a movie called I Know What You Did Last Summer and it was a nineties horror flick. That is what I mean).

Here is what you need to know: Damon is bad, Stefan/Katherine/Caroline are now in a love triangle all their own (but Stefan and Caroline both think it’s with Elena), and Matt still has the eyes of a baby angel.

Also, this was the first episode in The Vampire Diaries history where Elena was not in one single scene! That has to be worth something, right? Let’s give out some points!

How great was this opening? Katherine just bouncing around as Elena, making awesome choices both in clothing and in life. Perfect. Also, nice touch on the personal Nina and Ian pics. That did not escape us. Plus 20.

Caroline dictating to Bonnie and Katherine about how to “dawn in a new era” was classic C. Also, I love this reasoning: Bonnie’s best friends are single, which makes her single adjacent. Poor Bonnie doesn’t even get to be in a relationship when she is actually in a relationship. It’s so utterly sad and horrible and completely predictable. I think it would really freak me out at this point if someone just gave Bonnie a compliment or a hug without emotionally sabotaging her. Plus 7. I’m a bad person, I think.

Aaron in the trunk was a bit much, but Stefan’s reaction was perfect. Unfazed. Plus 4.

I find it annoying that Damon has turned all ripper because of Elena (snore), but man, Ian was looking smoking in this scene with Stefan and Enzo. Dude just knows how to play bad. Plus 9.

“On the contrary, brother, I’m better LIKE this.” He had a point? Plus 4.

Hahahahahaha. I will never, EVER get sick of Katherine trying to get Matt to help her to “learn Elena.” That false convo on the phone was phenomenal. I’m concerned at how into this plot line I am, because like all things, it will not last. Plus 20.

Oh, Christ. Max Westfield is just back, torturing other vampires now? HOW? I don’t remember the last time we saw him, but I mean, like one million things have happened between that time and now that make this plot line seem totally absurd and unbelievable. Minus 30.

It was really sad to see Diane just suffering on the floor of some random dungeon. Yes, Diane. She has a name, okay? She is a mother and a human being. Was this supposed to be dark? Because it was just upsetting. Minus 8.

Hey, Vampire Academy was advertising The Vampire Diaries! Or some ad thing that makes sense. #vampiresunited

Stefan’s conversation with Enzo went like this: “Damon already has all the bro love he will ever need, in me, so just back off, because I miss my man.” Plus 10.

Also when did Stefan get to be so goddamn strong? It was super sexy to see him all fit and bossy. Loving second-half-of-season-five Stefan. Plus 30.

Katherine obsessing over dialing Stefan’s number! Best. Plus 20.

“Since when does Elena Gilbert accessorize?” Right?! How great is this setup for EVERYONE? Plus 15.

Sorry, I was looking at Matt’s gorgeous smile and got distracted. He was just bartending. You know, pouring love straight into shot glasses. I was thinking — it must be really confusing to be those guys (Matt and Tyler). Like, Nadia is hot, but she’s the daughter of someone who is the double of the girl Matt used to date? Also, when Nadia was flirting with Tyler, she looked a lot like Nina Dobrev. Well played, show! Plus 8.

“Bonnie, we’re happy, can’t we just act like it?” I mean, no. But it was still pretty accurate and sad. Minus 7.

Damon is such a psycho (Plus 10). I did not understand a WORD he was saying to Jeremy and Bonnie, though. He wanted a witch? Did he hand Bonnie a sock? What was even happening here? Oh look, a dance!

So I thought that we’d be moving away from the constant events (college doesn’t have Town Candle Night, I don’t think?) and therefore would see Paul Wesley in a suit less. But what is this, prison? No need to worry. There he was, in perfect-hero form. I’m not going to lie to you guys. It confused my brain a little to see Katherine pretending to be Elena while dancing with Stefan. I liked it? But I also didn’t? I’m having all these feelings. Am I normal? Is this wrong? Luckily, Caroline showed up before things got too hot and heavy.

I was concerned Caroline would be more into “Elena” and Stefan getting back together than she was acting, but then I remembered she’s in love with him, so plus 50. (My words create my reality).

HA! It was amazing when Caroline told Katherine to forget everything she said and then Katherine was all “okay!” because she is Katherine, and that is the answer she wanted, so she took it. Please, Julie, can we keep her? Plus 20.

Hold up. As much as I LOVED this conversation with Stefan and Caroline (because I have eyes and a heart, you know?), it is ACTUALLY LAUGHABLE that Stefan thinks Elena would “give up on Damon forever” if she found out about him killing Aaron. Remember that time Stefan murdered, like, a country, and Elena was all, “okay, but you still love me, right?” Minus 20.

Has Damon always called Bonnie “Bon Bon,” or was this new? Whatever the pièce de résistance of the whole goddamn evening was when Katherine had to get it up to be all concerned about Jeremy and then turned around and rolled her eyes. Christmas, am I right? Plus 18.

I mean, this is just genius. Katherine fake-crying over Jeremy and then running into Stefan’s arms? I feel so strangely validated by this plot line. It’s like they’re admitting to us they know that Elena was super annoying and ridiculous? Like they saw it, too? Plus 100. I don’t even know. This is some meta brilliance.

Vamp Caroline. Been a while. Plus 5.

“Vampires are real. Okay, that makes sense.” If you live anywhere near Mystic Falls, it is actually the only reasonable explanation. Plus she was levitating pencils. She should have been less shocked. Minus 9.

I was kinda loving Bonnie here. She was acting so strong and in control and compassionate. Just, you know, on the floor, being taken advantage of as always. I can never remember whether to add or subtract points for her?

Every time Enzo speaks, I think, for the briefest of moments, that he is an Original, and then I am quasi-devastated all over again when I realize it’s not Tuesday. Remember how they always used to pick up fire instruments, too? Memories.

Katherine’s look of disgust when she actually managed to save Jeremy was inspired. Plus 8.

“Hey, Damon, don’t bother coming back.” “I wasn’t planning on it.” A sober moment in an otherwise fairly light episode. It was heavy, right? Not for long! Katherine’s Katherine smile just snuck in to lighten the mood right up. Plus 16.

Back in hunkville, Matt and Tyler were making some plans, losing some dreams. I love that Matt is the one who now knows Katherine is in Elena. It’s so perfect. It’s like how I hoped Caroline would be the one to discover Stefan was actually Silas. That didn’t happen, but this is, and it feels right. What doesn’t feel right is that Matt will probably try and get her back now? Meh.

Damon and Enzo just strolled right into Max’s lab, no problem. The same place where Enzo spent, like, fifty years getting tortured. Great plan, you guys! Minus 40. I didn’t even feel bad when they got brain-fried and syringed because come on.

These vampires get staked in the heart like every day, but a splinter — no, for sure, I get it. Splinters hurt. They are basically the bullets of trees. Actual bullets, though? No problem. Oh shut up, Rebecca. Who even cares what got Stefan to touch Katherine’s shoulder? The point is there was crazy, insane sexual tension going on. Guys, this is complicated. Katherine wants Stefan, and Stefan appears to be over Elena, but her pull is strong. She has Nina Dobrev’s genetics. I have been saying for a long time that it would be wonderful if the ultimate choice isn’t Elena choosing between Stefan and Damon, but Stefan choosing between Elena and Caroline. It kind of seems like we’re headed that way now? Plus 50.

Wow. So here is what happened in this scene: Stefan basically confessed to “Elena” that he has been waiting for Damon to fail so he could swoop in and be the good guy and get the girl back. But — spoiler alert — he actually fell for kind-hearted Damon. “I liked the person he had become, and I don’t want to lose that person.” It was incredibly moving. Katherine told Stefan she’d help him look for Damon. Not for her, but for him. And then she SUPER HUGGED him, which was the perfect moment for Caroline to walk in and have it be awkward for everyone. They even played the awkward music! Which means the show has FINALLY ADMITTED Caroline and Stefan are going to be a thing! (I think.) Plus 50.

Damon now feeds on vampires. I REALLY hope this is not headed for some epic scene where he has to fight his urge to feed on Elena. But I trust this show. We’re in a good place right now, Max Westfield notwithstanding. Plus 20.

We came out positive again this week. With Katherine as Elena, how can we lose? Actually, I have a discussion question: Do any of you miss her? Do you think we will start to?

As always, I’m here: @RebeccaASerle

The Vampire Diaries Recap: I Won’t Dance