The Game of Thrones Cast As Imagined by ‘Gay of Thrones’

Photo: Helen Sloan/HBO

One of my favorite things about watching Game of Thrones is getting to watch “Gay of Thrones” — Funny or Die’s video recaps starring hairstylist Jonathan Van Ness (a real-life stylist at Stile Salon in Brentwood, California) — afterwards. In every episode, he recaps the show for a different client, including Alfie Allen, a.k.a. Theon, and most recently, celebrity fashion stylist Brad Goreski. This is Westeros translated into a gay kiki argot, with entertaining digressions into Nancy Kerrigan versus Tonya Harding and Whitney Houston anthems. You don’t have to be gay (or even a GoT fan) to get into this.

Best of all are the names he gives to each character, which are uncannily dead on, often offensive, and ridiculously funny. There is Jamie Lannister as “Brother D” (short for Brother Daddy), Shae as “Capital City Celine,” and Ygritte as “that beautiful ginger bitch from Downton Abbey.” Herewith is the latest episode, along with a list of all the characters of Game of Thrones as dubbed by the Gay of Thrones:

House Lannister

Cersei: “blonde Cher”
Tyrion: “the Munchkin”
Jamie: “the incestuous boy,” “the incestuous twin with this fucking stump,” or “Brother D” (Brother Daddy)
Joffrey: “that little power bottom queen King Joffrey”
Tywin: “Deity” or “Daddy Lannister”
Sansa: “the busted redhead”
Tommen: “new baby power bottom”

House Tyrell

Olenna: “Maggie Smith”
Margaery: “that little redheaded hussy”
Loras: “pillow biter”

Others in King’s Landing

Brienne: “Did Tilda Swinton eat a pig?”
Lord Varys: “this Dr. Evil motherfucker with his pedophile sorcerer catching weird like I am going to fucking cut your entire mouth up and put you in a wooden coffin”
Bronn: “the greasy guy with the long hair, which I was kinda feeling that long hair on him — it was kind of fetch”; or, “the helper”
Shae: “Capital City Celine”
Ros: “the redheaded prostitute”
Podrick: “pussy popping Podrick”
Oberyn Martell: “Mr. Sofia Vergara”
Ellaria Sand: “Capital City’s J.Lo”
Olyver: “brothel Aaron Carter”

House Baratheon

Melisandre: “Stevie Nicks Red Riding Hood” or “evil Gloria Estefan”
Selyse Baratheon: “the crazy bitch with the dead babies”
Shireen Baratheon: “baby Galapagos,” “dragon face”

House Targaryen

Daenerys Targaryen: “Christina Aguilera”
Jorah Mormont: “Sir Carlisle” (from Downton Abbey)
Missandei: “her lesbian Afro girl”
Grey Worm: “baby Barack Obama”
Old Daario (played by Ed Skrein): “vintage Smith Jared from Sex and the City
New Daario (played by Michiel Huisman): “busted Josh Groban”

House Bolton

Ramsay Snow: “that fucking bitch,” “that evil brunette motherfucker,” or “malevolent Enrique Iglesias”
Roose Bolton: “Julio Iglesias”
Theon: Van Ness just refers to Theon as Theon, or sometimes, “my little baby Theon.” It probably helps that Alfie Allen came onto the show for a recap. Watch below.

Walder Frey: “leather rawhide face Lord Frey”

House Stark

Arya Stark: “little baby Kristen Stewart”
The Hound: “Dog the bounty hunter” or “Left Eye”
Gendry: “King Robert’s hot bastard son”
Polliver: “aggro Sinead O’ Connor”
Bran: “the baby paraplegic” or “baby Miss Cleo”
Catelyn Stark: “that slightly less attractive version of Stevie Nicks Red Riding Hood” (See: Melisandre)
Talisa: “Winterfell Lady Gaga”
Osha: “busted homeless Giuliana Rancic”

The Wall

Samwell Tarly: “Tubby Lubby”
Night’s Watch council: “panel of haggard queens”
Ygritte: “that beautiful ginger bitch from Downton Abbey
Styr: “alabaster Seal”
White Walkers: “the white twerkers”

Game of Thrones According to ‘Gay of Thrones’