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Californication Is Now Over. Here Are the 35 Worst Sex Acts That Happened on the Show.

Photo: Maya Robinson and Photo by Showtime

Last night, Showtime’s Californication rode off into the sunset after seven long seasons. It should surprise nobody that a show called Californication spent much of its time contriving embarrassing sex acts for its characters to perform. What resulted was basically 84 episodes of soft-core porn masquerading as premium cable drama. Thanks, Showtime! Here are 35 of the worst sexual encounters or mishaps that David Duchovny’s Hank Moody, Evan Handler’s Charlie, and the Californication crew participated in.

  • In the very first scene of the show, Hank receives a blow job from a nun.
  • Hank unwittingly has sex with a 16-year-old, and then decides to write a book based on the experience because he thinks nobody will connect the dots. The book is called Fucking and Punching, so you can guess what the sex was like.
  • Hank pukes on a valuable painting while having sex with someone.
  • Charlie masturbates in his office, repeatedly and vigorously …
  • … Videos of Charlie repeatedly and vigorously masturbating in his office get him fired.
  • Charlie gets his nipple torn off by a sex toy.
  • Hank and Charlie have a threesome with a boxing trainer, during which she squirts on Charlie’s face just as both of Hank and Charlie’s significant others walk into the room.
  • Hank gets mixed up at a mansion party, and in a dark room, goes down on the wrong woman.
  • Charlie gets into a van that he thinks will take him to the porn set, but it is the porn set. He stays in the van.
  • Hank has weird, racist, terrorist sex with a celebrity chef.
  • Hank sleeps with the mother of his daughter’s boyfriend.
  • Charlie interrupts a rape role-play, believing it to be real, and then later tries to pull one off himself.
  • Marcy has sex with Rick Springfield, and he gives her multiple orgasms.
  • Eddie Nero (guest-star Rob Lowe) is very open about the fact that he likes to poop on his sexual partners.
  • A woman wants Charlie to take her from behind so she can answer emails on her phone.
  • Charlie accidentally kills a “poop-throwing, highly sexual monkey” who is watching him have sex.
  • Charlie and Hank find a man who has died of autoerotic asphyxiation hanging in the bathroom.
  • Charlie badly nicks his penis while manscaping.
  • Hank is found guilty of statutory rape, and then the show jumps three years ahead in the next season, perhaps so that it can avoid portraying the consequences of being a sex criminal.
  • Related: Charlie gets shame-boners, repeatedly and often …
  • … Charlie takes a middle-aged woman’s virginity after getting a shame-boner.
  • Charlie gets a blow job from a transgender prostitute. (And the punch line is, I guess, that she is transgender. Good punch line!)
  • Marcy and Stu have a sex fantasy in which Charlie is a wheelchair-bound vegetable.
  • Charlie’s son’s first words are “blow job” (because his parents are living nightmares.)
  • Charlie’s son also finds a dildo.
  • Hank gets a blow job from a grieving widow. In a graveyard. At her husband’s funeral.
  • Karen finds Hank in a pile of tired orgy participants while Hank is supposed to be in rehab.
  • Marcy makes Stu wear a cock cage so that erections are painful.
  • During substantial airplane turbulence, Charlie has anal sex with someone because they both think the plane is crashing.
  • Charlie participates in amateur porn at a Chuck E. Cheese–type place.
  • Marilyn Manson tea-bags someone.
  • Eddie Nero talks about performing fellatio at the White House.
  • A man named Atticus Fetch eats a candy bar out of Marcy’s vagina.
  • Levon, Hank’s illegitimate child, shows his penis to a co-worker and is then forced to apologize by his mom (Heather Graham).
  • Hank employs a hooker to deflower Levon, and then Levon gets addicted to prostitutes.
  • Stu owns a $15,000 sex doll that resembles Marcy, and he eats dinner with it.

R.I.P., Californication.

The 35 Worst Worst Sex Acts in Californication