Season two of Orange Is the New Black is now on Netflix, which means it’s time to dig back into the world of Litchfield Prison. Where did things leave off with our beloved inmates? A quick refresher:
Piper: When we last saw our blonde heroine, she was beating the shit out of Pennsatucky, who herself was trying to kill Piper. It was a bloody scene, thanks in part to the screwdriver Piper got as her Secret Santa present. Piper’s also heartsick: Her fiancée Larry broke up with her, as did her girlfriend Alex.
Alex: Alex played a role in Larry and Piper’s breakup, though not the mistress role you’d think. Larry came to Litchfield to confront Alex, but instead she wound up reminding him of how “fucked up” Piper is. “I know it and you do, too, or you wouldn’t be here warning me to stay away. I’m not your problem,” she said. Ding ding ding. She also fooled around with Nichols as Nichols’s Secret Santa gift.
Nichols: Well, she got to hook up with Alex finally.
Larry: Ugh, Larry, get your head out of your ass. His faux-This American Life story rubbed some Litchfield inmates the wrong way, plus he dumped Piper because his parents and Alex convinced him she was neither stable nor kind.
Red: Red’s still reeling from being removed from her role as head of the kitchen, and one of her attempts to wage war against Gloria sort of backfired: Red put oil in the oven in the hopes of creating a fire and making Gloria’s cleanliness standards seem subpar, and those things both happened — except Red’s one-time lackey Murphy was severely burned in the process.
Daya and Bennett: Speaking of things that sort of backfired, Daya’s plan to have sex with Pornstache (so the prison administration would think he was the father of her unborn child) wound up making Bennett super jealous. Plus Pornstache kinda fell in love with her. But then Bennett leapt in to protect Daya during the surprise kitchen fire, and all seems right between the two of them. She’s still pregnant, though, and it’s still prison.
Healy: Healy’s not in a good way. He’s in hot water with the higher-ups. Natalie excoriated him for his “lesbian witch-hunt” tactics (in which he called Larry to rat out Piper and Alex), which only made him even more mad at Piper. So mad, in fact, that he blatantly ignores her screams for help when Pennsatucky attacks her.
Pennsatucky: Meth teeth meth teeth meth teeth meth teeth.
Taystee: Man, Taystee is the best character on this show. After getting out of prison, she was almost immediately reincarcerated. But she, Black Cindy, and Poussey did a lovely number in the Christmas pageant.
Miss Claudette: After her appeal meeting goes badly, Claudette snaps and attacks Susan, the one-nice-seeming guard. She’s immediately hauled off to a higher-security facility.
Susan: Aw, Susan is nice.
Caputo: Caputo is not nice, and he has a big old crush on Susan, who has a boyfriend. He’s also coming down on Red for her role in Pornstache’s drug-smuggling ring, which puts him in even more conflict with Healy, since Red was helping translate between Healy and his mail-order bride.
Sophia: Sophia orchestrated a perfectly lovely Christmas pageant with Sister Ingalls.
Norma: Norma sang!
Everybody else: Morello, Big Boo, Watson, Poussey, Crazy Eyes, Flaca, Maritza, Yoga Jones, and Aleida are all doing fine.