Things Which Have Never Yet Been Done
There’s an old adage about marriage that is rarely unearthed, as most people tend to stick to the classics. According to lore, the couple that murders together, or at least within a few weeks of each other, each of them accidental, as long as the guilt threatens to rip them apart, stays together.
Now that Alison and Donnie have each murdered someone and revealed it to the other, they have never been closer. Alison can’t wait to jump Donnie’s bones! Donnie has never been more confident! These killings really brought them together in a way that craft rooms and Sunday golf never would. Dyad might be pretending that he had a heart attack on a jet, but Dr. Leekie’s body still has to be dealt with, so Alison and Donnie bicker like a couple putting together Ikea furniture while they try to figure out what to do with him. At first they wrap him in plastic and toss him in their garage freezer, but then Alison has the brilliant idea to bury him in the garage! All it takes is a jackhammer and a dream.
They confirmed that no one was looking for Leekie when Alison did a Skype session with Cosima and Sarah; in between tearful fits of sadness over Cosima’s decline and non-stop soaking in hand sanitizer, Alison decided it was safe to bury Leekie. It’s too bad that Victor chooses that exact moment to show up with a desire to air things out. Victor is the ultimate pawn; he has so much to atone for in his previous life as a hopped-up thug that he gives himself over completely to DeAngelis’s directives. He’s just clueless enough to be dangerous, and Alison knows it. But Victor’s skulking around the garage reveals the real hero of the story, however unexpected: DONNIE. He pointed a gun at Victor’s head and threatened him over a shallow grave! He marched Victor out to DeAngelis’s van and told her that if she ever harasses his family again he’ll “bury her.” Donnie isn’t heroic because of his newly discovered affinity for physical harm, but because of the confidence he pulled out of this impossible situation he’s been put in. Boning on the chest freezer where you once hid a dead body is just icing on the confidence cake, I guess.
I think the Alison and Donnie hijinks were put in place to offset the more upsetting events of this episode, like Cosima on the verge of death and Kira getting a bone-marrow transplant in an effort to help out. Delphine has been promoted to new interim director, and her first move as the new Leekie is to try to convince Sarah that a bone-marrow donation from Kira would greatly improve Cosima’s chances. Sarah reacts to this question with abject disdain, which made me look up a lot of information about bone-marrow donations. Why doesn’t she want Kira to do this? It’s not like it’s on par with her giving up an organ, and it would get Dyad off her dick for a few minutes. Is it the recovery? The anesthesia? The idea of seeing her baby girl run through with a needle the size of a mop handle? Keep in mind that this same kid ripped out one of her own teeth the minute she even thought it might help — don’t think for a minute she’s not upstairs listening to this conversation right now and sawing into her own femur. Kira is ride-or-die when it comes to how her body might save her aunts. Kira ultimately agrees to donate some bone marrow, and what do you know! Mrs. S just so happens to know someone in a pediatric clinic who can help. Are we trusting her or what? I’m falling on the side of “don’t trust” but I know she has Sarah’s best interests at heart. I also think she would stab someone in the face for taking the last cookie. Cosima is holding out hope that the pulp of that tooth from Kira is going to help her, but knows that a marrow transplant is really her only chance at survival.
At the start of the episode, we were treated to Pastor Henrik impregnating Helena with the best farming equipment money could buy. He’s a monster, this is true, but the worst thing he did was explain how he was threading an embryo through her cervix and walking away. Like, can you get that thing out of Helena first? This is why you have to go to a legit doctor when you want to get pregnant; dudes like Henrik will just throw up their hands and declare they’re done, even if you still have a greased-up probe stuck to your parts.
NOBODY is cool with him impregnating Gracie, right? Or the creepy fact that he gave her away to Marc first, or the even creepier fact that the embryos he put in her were his own? That he jizzed on Helena’s eggs and then jammed it all in his own daughter? Post-insemination, both Gracie and Helena are stuck in a room with what can only be described as adult cribs, where Gracie really let’s Helena know how miserable she is. Henrik catches Gracie and Helena trying to run away (you can’t blame them!), so he pops Helena in the face and puts Gracie back in her cage. No one told him that Helena’s signature move was the ol’ Pretend You’re Down and Then Surprise the Fuck Out of Your Opponent, so he was totally shocked to find Helena attached to his back like a mollusk, choking him out. Gracie and Marc escaped, and right before Helena burned the farm to the ground, she anally assaulted Henrik with is own tools. Helena is a next-level misandrist, and one day statues will be constructed in her honor.
Finally, Rachel snaps, pretends to be Sarah, and kidnaps Kira from the hospital right after she jabs Felix with some sort of Carnation Instant Sleeping Serum. She had been talking to Marian earlier about how great she was at her new job, and this is her way of proving it. First she had to put Delphine into play, which she does when she “accidentally on purpose” leaves her computer open to a screen incriminating Benjamin, Mrs. S’s sidekick, as a compromised informant. Armed with that information, Delphine calls Sarah at the hospital, and makes her come down to the car. Rachel-as-Sarah slips into the room, knocks out Felix, and scoops up Kira right before the real Sarah runs into the room. But it’s too late — Kira is gone. Rachel has set up a pretty dope room for a very confused Kira, saying that she might grow to like it there, “just like I did.” YIKES, Y’ALL.
- Does Sarah surrender to Dyad next week?
- Maybe Helena would be a good mom? She totally opened up around those kids in the nursery.
- Duncan is in the process of busting open his files with Scott, but he isn’t looking to share the unique sequences with Dyad. Does that mean Cosima is going to die?
- Is the demonic face of Rachel, laughing in that dark room with a martini, going to haunt anyone else? Just me?
- Seriously, where is Paul?
- Will next week’s finale just be 40 solid minutes of Sarah whooping Rachel’s ass?