You’re My Maid of Honor Because You’re My Best Friend (Who Can Do a Tight, Clean Six-Minute Set), by Alex Schmidt

Rach? Need you for a sec. Abbs can finish up the rehearsal dinner caterer stuff herself.

Okay, I know I need some sleep before the big day, but I know I also need to tell you how much this means to me.

I have never had a friend like you. Ever. Somebody who’s so fun, and so funny, and so on point when stuff happens and it’s like, “Who’s gonna say something first about this because whoa.” I was raving about that when I was going over the place cards last week with Abbs, and she totally agrees: You’re the best.

Rach? There is no one I would rather have at my non-hunk side as I become Mrs. Zane Blanston than you. And that’s because there is no one I’d rather have toasting us two hours later.

Gosh! Can you believe we met five and a half whole years ago? Before I knew Zane? Before I stopped living with Abbs? Before you started going to that Amy Poehler theater to do your skits?

Heck, just 15 years ago I was panicking my way through junior high, trying to not to spill my cafeteria tray all over Erik Handersen except whoops of course I did. (M.J. gave you the gist of that story, right? Lots of character stuff.)

And now look at me! A successful online marketing professional! In the city! Getting married! With over 400 people attending the reception, many of them business associates or prospective clients!

Rach? I treasure our friendship. I treasure its ups, and downs, and in betweens. I even treasure its biggest down, which was that time I had to buy a $20 ticket plus two drinks at that alleyway Santa Monica theater just to watch your stand-up class show, because that kind of struggle made you one of my close friends. The kind of close friend who will totally return the favor by crushing it in front of an all-ages crowd at a huge banquet. The huge banquet after the biggest ceremony of the biggest day of your close friend’s life.

I also treasure the fact that you will return this favor with a clear head, unless (and only unless) a single “stayin’ loose” drink is part of your process.

Okay, enough gabbing. Geez, I figured Abbs would have come by already to be all “ack ack wedding details ack ack I’m freaking out ack ack.” It’s like, “Calm down Abbs! Unless it’s about my dress or the bridesmaid dresses for Rach or M.J. or Zane’s sister or you in which case, yes, let me know about it and then handle it please, thanks!”

But Rach, when I’m with you I feel like I could talk all night! Even though we both need to get our beauty sleep (not that you need it (the beautification aspect, not the valuable energy for your big moment tomorrow at the Delano Ballroom))!

Oh and you never responded to my emails about my two exes you can’t mention. Please just don’t fuck that up yeah?

Alex Schmidt is a writer and comedian and is on Abbs’s side.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.

You’re My Maid of Honor Because You’re My Best Friend […]