are you kidding me

The Cringe-iest Lyrics From Robin Thicke’s Paula

Well, here we are: It is July 1, and Robin Thicke actually released his ode to his soon-to-be ex-wife, Paula Patton. In the interest of public knowledge, we rummaged through the lyric garbage to find the connections to his real-life situation; if you would like to know exactly what went down, here’s a much-too-deep, much-too-painstaking look at some of Paula’s most revealing lyrics.

I can smell your perfume
Your legs are on my walls
Your body’s on my ceiling
You giggle down the hall

You’re My Fantasy”)

Legs on walls? Bodies on ceilings? Must’ve been into some crazy sex stuff.

I never should’ve asked you to do anything at all
“Get Her Back”)

True! Probably true.

Watch me crawl, watch me beg
Watch me fall deep
Cause I, I just can’t stop
I just can’t stop thinking ‘bout those days

(“Still Madly Crazy”)

Heeere we go. Here comes the begging.

But I was in chains in the rain
Lost my soul, now you know
I’m so sorry you had to suffer my lack of self-control
You think by know I might’ve grown

(“Still Madly Crazy”)

Robin, we know you can beg better than this.

Come on, baby, let me in
Don’t leave me out here in the cold
Ooh, turn the porch light on
At least open the doggy door
Don’t say juicy more
Baby please give me a little hole
All I need is a little hole

(“Lock the Door”)

This is better! What’s that about a doggy door?

Now that the monkey on your back is gone
Now that the pain and regret have moved along
Now that you finally have some piece of mind

(“Whatever I Want”)

Hold up, things aren’t okay just yet.

I’m living in New York City
Girls are pretty, streets are witty
I’m living in New York City
Where everybody’s living and everybody’s winning

(“Living in New York”)

As we’ve mentioned before, in 2010, Robin reportedly spent “several weeks” in New York City recording and living in a rented Soho apartment. Apparently, it was fun.

Show your rainbow of hope
And hot pot of gold on my body, baby
Show me our love can grow back

(“Love Can Grow”)

What is a “hot pot of gold”? Please get an STD test.

Packing up quickly the babies and grandmas are raging, coast is far from clear (truth)
Yelling and screaming and smacking me, how could you do this, you spoiled little rich kid (truth)
Rocking the TV, you bashing my ride up, you smashed my guitar (tell ‘em the truth)
Chasing me around the house when you trying to hit me with my favorite golf club (truth)

(“Black Tar Cloud”)

This song is like the opposite of “Before He Cheats,” and “Before He Cheats” is already a better song.

You were lying in bed (truth)
Said you took 20 pills (truth)
Now I’m calling the ambulance, police, I’m freaking out till you said chill
Yeah I know you taking pills, but I’m just desperately crying for help

(“Black Tar Cloud”)

This is a pretty strong accusation to make, Robin.

I’m down on my knees, baby
Every time you walked through that door
I should have bought you roses
Good & Plenty
And rubbed your toesies

Should’ve shown some
(“Too Little Too Late”)

Not a JoJo cover, it seems. Also not really a good rebound from the whole pills thing.

Bird flew in the window, took a picture, left with a naughty tweet
I try to breathe deep, before I do bad things
It feels good right now, how long can this be?

(“Something Bad”)

Did someone mention the destructiveness of Twitter?

If she ever knew that I was gonna be runnin’ round
She never would have stayed
All that she needed was a true friend
All she received was a troubled man
She couldn’t be with someone like her dad
And I just rewarded her with my drunken rants

(“The Opposite of Us”)

And here’s the admission of cheating.

We don’t know how this little fairy tale ends
Good thing we’ll always be best friends

(“Time of Your Life”)

Yep, just friends. That’s right, Robin. Just friends.

’Cause if you ever need a friend, baby
I can be the one that you want
And if you’re ever down and out, baby
I can be the one that you want
You can lean on me anytime, baby
For anything you want and need
Oh, I don’t need a reason
(“Forever Love”)

Thanks, but no thanks!

The Cringe-iest Lyrics From Robin Thicke’s Paula